and i'm back again!

so for the two of you who still check in every so often, sorry. not only did i quit my job, as i mentioned earlier, but i also moved. i couldn't find a roommate to move in with me in my apartment, so instead i moved in with a friend who has a fantastic house about ten minutes away from where i was living.

so yeah. i made a few changes! so far, so good. i have my first class on saturday morning. and i've been away from work for almost a month! can i just tell you how awesome that is? if you work in the business world, and you've never just taken two weeks off, you seriously should. if it were up to me, there'd be a mandatory shut down at christmas time. and another in the summer, too. it's just so nice to have time to do whatever. of course, i've been moving, which takes tons of time, and there were all kinds of random holiday-related things, and let's-get-ready-for-school things, and etc, etc.

so, a new year, and new thoughts. many of those thoughts stem from my new place in life, and the decisions that i made to get here. i'll try to be more timely about those thoughts now that i'm a little more settled in :)

i'm baaaaaack...

hey all! sorry for the silence; i've been thinking about a LOT of things the last few months, and most of them i didn't feel comfortable writing about yet for a few reasons. the biggest reason is that i'm quitting my job. i've known that for a while (since mid september), but didn't want to tell too many people because i didn't think that'd be a good idea. most of the things i've wanted to write about have been related in some way to the gigantic life change i'm making. so i just haven't written anything. kinda lame, i know. :) but no worries; now is the time for all to be revealed.

so.... why am i quitting my job? well, there are TONS of reasons. i've known since the day i started as an associate designer at a interactive marketing agency (translation; doing web & graphic design at an ad agency that mostly does web stuff) that i didn't want to do it forever. but i could never figure out exactly what it was i'd rather be doing. so i stayed and made the most of it, which wasn't too difficult for a while.

now, five years later, after ups and downs and happy times and sad/angry/frustrating times, i've figured it out. or rather, i calmed down and listened to god and he showed me. starting in january, i'll be a full-time graduate student, pursuing a teaching license and masters degree so i can be an art teacher.

i'm so excited. scared, too, but the excitement beats the scared. i know, without a doubt, that this is the path i'm supposed to go down right now. and that is awesome, for so many reasons. i'll be sharing those reaons, too. i'm certain that this career change will affect so many areas of my life and my relationship with god, my friends, and my family.

a boyfriend i didn't know i had!

so apparently vball dude and i are dating, and i had no idea! will wonders never cease!?

saturday night i got a call from an old friend. i let it go to voicemail, as it was late, i had just gotten back from a pool party, and i was ready for bed. but then my friend, trevor, texted me. call me! it's urgent-ish!!! urgent-ish? umm, ok.... i let out a nice sigh and went out on the deck to call him back so i wouldn't wake my roommate.

the first words out of his mouth when he answered the phone were so i hear you have a hot boyfriend!!! umm... i do? i replied. yeah! some guy from the trip! trevor tossed out a couple of names that were close to vball dude's. uh, do you mean vball dude? yeah! he shouted. vball dude! i hear you guys got together on that trip you took!

at this point i just started laughing. i told him that no, we weren't dating, at least not to my knowledge. aww, bummer he said. no biggy i said. but where did you hear this!? you weren't on the trip, and you don't even go to our church! turns out his coworker was on the trip, and she heard the rumor from another girl who'd also been on the trip.

the whole thing made me laugh. i've never had rumors spread about me! i have to admit, i kind of like it :) of course, i probably like it because vball dude is tall, good-looking, a solid leader, and oh yeah i kind of have an on again, off again crush on him. but seriously... where on earth did this come from!? it wasn't like we spent tons of time together on the trip. he talked to and spent time with a lot of girls while we were down there. (that's another topic for another time...) i really can't think of anything that happened that would have made anyone think we were dating.

oh well. like i said, i like it. i feel popular... like people think i'm dating a celebrity or something! vball dude is prett well known, especially now that he's been interviewed onstage about the trip. (i know, i know... kind of lame. hey, i'll take what i can get, ok?!)

a completely shallow and gratuitous post

even though i've been busy recently, i found some time to catch a little of the olympics. and even if i hadn't seen anything, it's hard to escape the media frenzy around michael phelps. he's everywhere!

and that's my excuse... he's everywhere! that's why i can't stop looking. yup, that's my excuse. i stare cause he's all over the place, not because i have never. seen. such. an. amazing. body. in. my. entire. life. he's long and lean and sinewy and WOW. and those shoulders!

i know the common opinion is that he's not all that good-looking, but i actually think he's pretty cute. he's no male model, but he's cute. and the rest of him is so hot... that more than makes up for any perceived lack of hotness in his face.

ok. shallow SC is signing off now. i'm sure i've offended or grossed out more than a few of you. sorry! normal SC will return next post. for all you other phelps-lovers out there:

for whom the bell tolls

the wedding bell, that is. so my dad told me yesterday that he asked his girlfriend to marry him. i'm so happy for him; the woman he's been dating for a while now is really nice, has a wonderful family, and so far seems to think the world of him. she also seems to be a strong catholic, which is nice, as my dad is too.

it wasn't until several hours after i got off the phone with my dad that some sadness started to kick in. it's all totally irrational, and i'm fine today, but... i was a little teary for a while. my dad's girlfriend will probably move in with him in the house i grew up in once they're married. i started to wonder... will my room still be my room? can i still go home whenever i want? can i still show up for dinner whenever i want? i'm sure things will be fine, but this has been a lot to think about.

my brother is married. many of my close friends are married. (some even have a kid or two). and now my dad will be, too. it makes me feel even less anchored... like so many people around me are anchored in some way, and i'm not. still living in my apartment, still single, and as of lately, thinking a lot about a career change.

but, i'm cool... i'm ok. i know what god has in store for me, sooner or later. and i have him. it's hard, and a little lonely, but exciting too. it's exciting to know that god's working in me right now, and that so many awesome things are still ahead of me.

self control, staring, and vball dude.

i just got back from an amazing week spent building houses with my 300 people from my church and staff from habitat for humanity. it was an awesome trip, and i'm home now with a lot to think and pray about, and a pretty big thing to put in motion. god really showed up for me down in new orleans, and i am so thankful. there might be more on that in the future.

i also came home with a reminder that giving god control of my dating/relating life is still a daily struggle. and i still want someone to want me. even though i'm not really sure i want this particular guy.

vball dude (about him) (some follow up here and here) was on the trip. he was also on my bus. and on my work site. and basically just around me almost all the time. and i spent a good chunk of mental and spiritual energy wondering if i like him, and whether or not that matters, because he's not chasing. such a waste on my part.

i'm not going to get into all of it, but i'll share a thing or two. guys, if you're not into a girl, and you have no intention of pursuing her, don't stare at her. a couple times through the trip i thought i felt vball dude's eyes on me. i thought i was being dumb, so i put it out of my head, but one of my guy friends, evan, brought it up one night when we were all out dancing and having a good time. what's up with you and vballl dude? he asked. you guys were talking a lot tonight, and he's been staring at you a lot. ok, good, so i'm not crazy, i replied. i thought i caught him staring a few times. but, for as much as he stares, he's still not biting. at that point, it was toward the end of the trip, and without chasing him, i'd done what i could to just kind of communicate openness. attempts at conversation, a compliment here and there, a smile, whatever. but nothing in return. no questions, no real back and forth developing.

as much as i struggled through the trip, i'm proud of myself. there were a lot of times i wanted to initiate more conversation, get closer to him, etc. but i didn't. i held off. i told myself, i will not chase. i will not manipulate. i will be pursued. if not by him, then i will wait for someone else.

it can be frustrating, though, to feel that inconsistency coming from someone you think is kinda cool. my friend andy watched vball dude a little through the trip, and what he said made me feel better. he's definitely not engaging, he said one night. he's definitely holding himself back, as if he's been hurt or is taking a break or something. that actually made me feel good; maybe he's really solid, and he's interested, but can't pursue right now, for whatever reason. i can't say i saw him chase anyone else; he was just his usual friendly, slightly flirty self.

the funny thing, too, is that i'm still not even sure i like him. i've observed some things i don't like. and he's not giving me any solid signs he's interested. just the staring a few other random things. i also know i tend to over-analyze. he hasn't been a christian too terribly long; maybe the staring is just him staring at an attractive girl. maybe i'm reading too much into that and every other behaviour. i'm willing to admit i do that sometimes.

the good thing is the trip is over, and i don't have to see much more of him. maybe a trip post-mortem with the leadership team, and then the trip celebration in september, and that should be it. that makes it easier; if he's not around, i'll stop wondering and move on. which is what i should have done from the get-go.

too much to think tonight

You will never find anyone
To come along and take you by surprise
Because you’ve had too much to think tonight.

The Futureheads, Think Tonight

some sage advice from a silly song. i love it. of course, i also love the driving beat and punkish guitar, not to mention the hig-pitched 'ha ha ha ha's.'

i want to be taken by surprise! i want some great dude to show up when i least expect it. so obviously, i have to stop expecting it. i have to turn off the over-analyzing and the what-if fantasies that often play in my head before i go somewhere. it's hard when my head (and heart) have been over-analyzing for like 15 years. ridiculous, i know.