for whom the bell tolls

the wedding bell, that is. so my dad told me yesterday that he asked his girlfriend to marry him. i'm so happy for him; the woman he's been dating for a while now is really nice, has a wonderful family, and so far seems to think the world of him. she also seems to be a strong catholic, which is nice, as my dad is too.

it wasn't until several hours after i got off the phone with my dad that some sadness started to kick in. it's all totally irrational, and i'm fine today, but... i was a little teary for a while. my dad's girlfriend will probably move in with him in the house i grew up in once they're married. i started to wonder... will my room still be my room? can i still go home whenever i want? can i still show up for dinner whenever i want? i'm sure things will be fine, but this has been a lot to think about.

my brother is married. many of my close friends are married. (some even have a kid or two). and now my dad will be, too. it makes me feel even less anchored... like so many people around me are anchored in some way, and i'm not. still living in my apartment, still single, and as of lately, thinking a lot about a career change.

but, i'm cool... i'm ok. i know what god has in store for me, sooner or later. and i have him. it's hard, and a little lonely, but exciting too. it's exciting to know that god's working in me right now, and that so many awesome things are still ahead of me.

gaining knowledge and hope from married people

a couple of weeks ago i resumed my place on the creative team at my church (i'd stopped going for awhile, due to some scheduling crazyness). we meet once a week, eat together, and do all kinds of cool creative stuff around the building. most of it centers around the kids' area; we build sets that relate to whatever the kids are learning about, paint on the walls, paint the sets, etc. i love it because i'm around all kinds of different people and i get to get my hands dirty with paint and sometimes even a tool or two.

last night i had several conversations with some of my teammates that made me realize how great it is to be around people who are farther down the 'path of life' than i am. one guy on my team, who's a bit older, is getting married in june. or, as he said when i asked him when his wedding is, 'it's 6/7/8, and i can't wait!' (how cute is that!?) i also asked him how he'd met his fiancé, and that was a cute story, too. nothing crazy, just fun to hear.

he talked about the fact that he's kind of shy, and never really talked to women much (which i found a little hard to believe, as he's a cool guy, but i went with it). one night after a church event, he found himself standing next to his future fiancé as he and some friends looked at pictures from a social event on a computer. she said something along the lines of 'that looks like it was fun!' he replied, 'it was! you should've been there!' she said 'how do you know i wasn't?' his response: 'because i would've talked to you if you were there!" and the rest, as people usually say, was history. they talked for an hour after that, and now they're engaged.

i just loved it because it was so simple and cute. and, as he kept telling me, he doesn't usually talk to women. he said he just felt like god totally stepped in and kind of urged him to initiate with this woman. i love hearing stories like that. nothing crazy or weird or über-dramatic, just god bringing two people together.

i also talked a lot with our team leader, an amazing woman who's been with her husband for something like 15 years. they're still very much in love, and it very much shows. even after 4 kids!!! (maybe 5? i can't remember) they both love god so much, and have grown together in a really beautiful way. i'm also so impressed by the way she speaks about him. she never has anything but good things to say about him. how attracted to him she still is, what a good father he is, what a great family he has, etc, etc.

there's something about being around people who have solid marriages... it just gives me so much hope. i walk away thinking, wow, that is soooo cool! that is what i want! i will do the work to get it, god, i promise! and i love hearing stories of how people get together. it's like i'm soaking up the coolness and the hope of the story and filing it away in my brain (and heart!) good stuff.

life on pause?

atypical christian woman posted a great comment on my entry beginning to end the prolonged singleness blame game. in it she wondered if i had asked myself, What about being single is keeping me from living the life I want?

i've thought about that question before, and i've always been satisfied with my answer; being single isn't keeping me from anything i want except marriage. but for some reason i stopped and thought about the question, and my answer, a little more when i read atc's comment.

being single has always felt sort of transient to me. like things could change or shift at any moment. that's not my reality, it's more of a mindset. the truth is i've worked at the same place for four years and lived in my current apartment for three. it's been a pretty stable life. but still... i feel unanchored. maybe part of that's because i feel like i have to get new friends every so often?

the other part is definitely this thing in my head that says this is all just temporary; going out with random groups of friends, living in this apartment where i can only do so much (no painting, not too much stuff on the walls, etc)... like i shouldn't latch on too much because the people will change and this isn't what it's really all about, anyway. and heck, my last two roommates moved out to get married. i just assumed i'd be next, or soon, or not too far down the line. but i guess the truth is this is what it's about. this is my life. it hasn't changed and it probably won't unless i change it. if i want to feel more anchored and less transient, then i need to buy a house and pursue some of my married friends who've moved out to the suburbs and had kids. i need to go after some of the things i want, i guess.

i've subconsciously thought that soon enough marriage would come along and anchor me. i'd get a house and some nice furniture and i'd finally be allowed to do what i want to where i live. we'd have two incomes so we could travel or get grad degrees or put money into the house or whatever.

so now i have choices to make. what do i want to do? what would make me feel more anchored? or, i guess more importantly, what does god have for me? what risks can i start to take to be more in line with him and feel like i'm living and loving my life right now, not waiting for it get better?

i've started on this path recently with some little steps, and it's been good. but i admit, i'm kind of afraid to commit. like the house thing... if i buy a house, or the building down the street that i really like, then i'm committed. it's just me. sure my dad can help me out and i can have roommates, but it's in my name and it's my responsibility. i would go from the most expensive thing i own being my stereo to having to pay a mortgage and build into a house. woah. not that i can't do it, it's just that doing it by myself doesn't have the same appeal as doing it with a husband. of course, living in this apartment for the next 5 (or who knows how long) years isn't very appealing either. and sure, i know, i could buy a condo or something. but i think i'd rather have a house or an old building.

waiting, obeying, trusting

recently at church the sermons have been christmas/advent related, as most sermons are this time of year. one in particular talked about how waiting can be really difficult, and then segued into how during times of waiting, god often asks us to obey him even though we don't fully understand why or what or how.

i'm well acquainted with waiting. i've been waiting for marriage for quite some time now. and i'm getting a lot better about the whole 'obey now, ask questions later' part. for the first time, i want to not only obey god, i want to obey him gladly. cheerfully, even. with full faith and hope that obeying him now and making hard decisions is in both of our best interests. with full faith and hope that the best really is yet to come.

it seems like it's a lot easier to obey god and be hopeful when, oh, say for example, i think there's a possibility on the horizon with someone like vb dude. now that he's out of the picture, it's a little more difficult. i'm doing ok, (much much better than i would have done a year ago, that's for sure), but i still have to fend off the doubts and the bad thoughts that creep up. and i have to fight hard to keep god's promises in my head.

it's really easy to slip back into believing that the past determines the future; i've been single forever, no relationship ever works out, why would anything change? even as i typed that sentence, and now as i reread it, it really scares me. it's a powerful lie used to disarm me, i think. but that's not who i am. god has made me new, he works in me more and more every day, and he determines my future. i have firm faith that my father in heaven who gives all good gifts has good gifts for me. gifts beyond my wildest dreams.