joy indeed comes in the morning

last night (well, around 1 AM this morning) i just fell apart. hormones, exhaustion, and lack of faith all came into play. and i've decided that debbie maken's freaking book did, too.

but today i woke and spent time with god and feel so much better. and i realized what i hate about debbie's book! it's the negativity. and it's the fact that she does not speak to the fact that maybe some of us are right where we are supposed to be.

in my dark times, sure, i forget, or lose sight or whatever you want to call it. but most of the time i know: i am right here and single for a reason. i don't know what it is and that is frustrating, yes. but it's like i feel it in my bones; i am not going to meet anyone special in the near future. i don't know what it is, but god is leading me toward something. maybe it's a closer relationship with him. maybe it's some kind of specific ministry. i don't know.

but i do know very surely that i need to trust him and stop freaking out about this! last night one of my friends again reminded me that i just need to stop looking. and as trite as that piece of advice is, and as much as i hate to admit it, he's right. god wants my focus on him right now, i know that. it's like he's saying, please just trust me and seek me, THEN all the rest will be given unto you.

ok god. i get it. i'm sorry. sometimes i am so obstinate and want to just be satisfied and done. i'm sorry about those times. i'm sorry about my weak will. but i do really want you more than anything else. please don't give up on me yet! keep leading me toward you and the things you have for me.

as for maken and others who write on these things, sometimes it's not about which position is biblical or what is wrong with the church or single men or women. sometimes it's about having compassion on those of us who desperately want something and haven't gotten it yet. a little compassion goes a long way.