meeting random guys

last week i went to a large wine-tasting event on thursday night and out to a bar for some karaoke on saturday night. at both places, there were available, good-looking guys. thursday night was kind of awkward. i don't know why. maybe because my focus was off. i was totally in scope mode. it took me until now to figure it out, but i think scope mode is the problem. saturday night when a tall hot guy walked into the bar, i immediately went into scope mode; trying to catch his eye, trying to make sure i was smiling if came by or looked over, trying to figure out how to position myself near him, etc. it was a lot of work and it stressed me out.

now, i'm not saying that there's anything wrong with a little bit of strategy. i think that meeting people is an art, and that practice makes perfect. but i think the problem comes when the focus changes from me being out with my friends and having fun and meeting people to me figuring out what i can do to meet someone who's caught my eye. when the latter happens, i need to just tell myself to relax.

i don't turn into some desperate wierdo or anything. it's more of an internal shift. it stresses me out. i stop having as much fun. the funny thing is, saturday night, once i turned my focus back to my friends and singing and having a good time, i ended up standing at the bar next to the hot guy, and i even had a conversation with him. i was relaxed and we had a nice chat. it felt really good. a nice reminder that yes, i can talk to pretty much anyone. even good-looking guys at bars. i might have chatted with him more, but i'd seen him outside smoking earlier, so that kind of killed some of my interest. that, and i was leaving.

i think i'm starting to get this whole thing. if i'm confident, i'm more attractive, and i feel better. and if i'm relaxed, it's easier to talk to guys and i don't appear desperate. on top of that, if i take a few risks by talking to some random guys, it gets easier! ha, who would've guessed.

sex god

i’m reading sex god, by rob bell, and so far it’s a fantastic book. i feel very blessed and lucky because lately the books i’ve been reading are really speaking to me. it started with the book of hebrews, then this beautiful mess, by rick mckinley, which i’m almost finished with, and now sex god.

i’m about 80 pages into the book, and i’m having a hard time putting it down. when i pick it up in the evenings i find myself rereading what i read the night before then continuing on to new chapters. i want to make sure it all sinks in.

one thing i’ve been turning over in my mind is bell’s take on how we need to focus our energies. if we don’t, he says, they’ll come out in all kinds of not good places. either we focus them on good things, things that work toward order and goodness and godliness, or we’ll spend our energies on things that take us back toward void and chaos and sadness and all of those other things. rick mckinley might say that we need to be living for the kingdom; making choices that bring it to life and focusing our energies on revealing it to others.

so now i’m thinking a lot about what that means in light of my being single. as a single woman, what will i focus myself on? where will my passion go? how can i reveal the kingdom? what i can do right now that i couldn't if i were married?

in the past few years my passions have come out in all kinds of wrong ways. but just like the bible (and rob bell) is saying, those ways never lead to happiness. drinking too much, relationships with little to no physical boundaries, too many hours at a job that isn’t really me. i knew that most of those things were just ways to kill time, but i didn't think about how much harm i was doing to myself and my relationship with god. duh! no wonder i haven’t been as i happy as i know i could be. but i guess i had to live it a little while to really be sure i wasn’t missing out on anything. nope, i wasn’t.

so now what? i’m not 100% sure. i have a few ideas, and i’m praying one or two of them will come to life, and seeking out ways to pursue them.

but i am sure that my singleness has a role to play. i don’t know what it is. but i’m a little excited, i have to admit, for the first time in a while.

god, help me focus. i just feel like i’m on the edge of something, and i so want to see what it is! and i want others around me to see what i see and get beyond lust and these stupid false things that we always think will fill us. open our eyes, god.