to keep with the theme...

you can always die a little more, right?

so i put dating in the coffin awhile back and died to it. but as most of you know, dying to yourself and your desires isn’t a one-time thing, it’s a process. a continual process (that’s probably redundant, i know). i am obviously very much still in process.

the latest step of the process has been me giving over another dating-related area of my life/heart to god. for lack of a better word, we’ll call it timing.

i love and trust god. i know his ways and plans and rules are best, for him, for me, and for everyone else. giving over dating gave me a wonderful feeling of peace that transcends worry or any temporary fix i might have come up with myself (funny how the peace of god can do that, huh?)

but until this past weekend, i hadn’t really believed with all my heart and mind and soul that god’s timing for me and marriage was really perfect. i was still holding onto feelings of hurt and bitterness and anger and frustration. i still felt like my singleness was for no good reason. almost like i was serving some singleness sentence, and i didn’t know why.

but god used several events to set me straight. and he did it in such a wonderful way. a very old and very dear friend spoke some encouraging and truthful words to me that got me thinking. we were talking, and i was kind of complaining and hinting at the fact that i felt so far behind all of our friends, life-wise. no marriage, no kids, not even a steady boyfriend. after listening to me for a while, she said, you know, sc, you’ve grown so much in the last four or five years, and so much of that has even been in the last year. the man you might have chosen to be your husband a year or two or three ago would have been very different than the man you would choose now. and that is so awesome! and remember; you still have so many good things to look forward to! i’ve already met the guy, gotten engaged, gotten married, and had my first kid. and it was all wonderful. and you still have all of that to look forward to!

with those words, i started to see my situation in a new light. the next morning, the sermon at church picked up where my friend’s words left off. the pastor was talking about pride and how worry and anxiety can create it. he read from 1 peter 5, and talked about how we’re supposed to give our anxiety and worry to god and replace them in our minds/hearts with god himself. and honestly i’m pretty sure i’ve heard that before, but this time it clicked. put the first things first. put god first and he’ll take care of everything else. trust him with the things you’re most afraid to give up or most worried about, focus on being close to him, and rejoice in the transcending peace he gives. yes, virginia, it is that easy. at least in theory...

after the sermon the pastor initiated some guided prayer. usually these things don’t work so well for me; i can't concentrate or focus with all the people around. but as soon as i bowed my head, i knew what i needed to pray about and give over to god; timing. i gave god all of my anger and hurt and bitterness. i asked for his forgiveness for me holding onto that for so long, and for me believing deep down that i somehow have been getting the short end of the stick, that somehow i know better and think i should have been married by now. i get it god, i told him. you’ve been working in me, even when it didn’t feel like it. i am different now, and i am glad to be different. i trust you; i trust that you have a plan. i believe that all things work for your good in this area of my life.

and then it gets a little weird. i’m not sure about this next part, but i’m going to write about it anyway. my friend’s words from the night before came into my head. you still have all those wonderful things ahead of you: meeting the guy, getting engaged, getting married, having kids… and felt like god was telling me to just relax. i felt him say, you’ll have those things. i want to give them to you. you’ll have a boyfriend, a marriage, a family. i want to give you those things; they are good things, and you want them, and i want you to have them. so just relax and trust me!

it's such a rare thing for me to hear god promise me specific things. but once i started to really give him control of this area of my life, he met me. i took some steps, and he met me. it's given me such peace. whether i get married a year from now or 10 years from now, i know it will happen, and i know that the time until it happens won't be a waste.

the hope of our faith

i'm a big fan of rick mckinley and what god is doing through him and his church, imago dei, in portland, oregon. i read his book, this beautiful mess, and thought it was fantastic. i highly recommend it.

i also frequently listen to his sermons via podcast. one that really impacted me is called Abraham, the Hope of Our Faith, from 9/2/07.

often i hear people talking about the how 'marriage (and/or sex) is the idol of the single person.' i have to agree with that. i think it's really easy for us to bank all of our hope in the idea that one day we'll be 'fulfilled .' as a woman, i have been looking forward to my wedding day since at least junior high. many of my girlfriends spent their childhood years dressing up as a 'bride' and then 'walking down the aisle.' (i was kind of a tomboy, so i don't really remember ever doing that).

even over the last few years, i have found myself thinking, man, i can't WAIT till i am married, only to have that thought followed by and then... what? as in, ok, then what do i have to look forward to?

of course there is nothing really wrong with looking forward to being married. i still do, very much. but after listening to rick's message, i started to wonder if too much of my hope was on that one earthly, temporal thing. is my hope in marriage eclipsing the hope of my faith? what is the hope of my faith, anyway?

i want the hope of my faith to be god and his promises. i want him to be my security. i want to say 'i can't wait to get to heaven.' i want that to be the most exciting thing; the thing that sends shudders down my spine when i think about it. i'm definitely not there yet.

rick asks the pointed question, what do you do when the promise isn't fulfilled? he points out that all the amazing people named in hebrews 11 and notes that the author of hebrews says that those people lived by faith without the fulfillment of the promise. that was huge for me. if god doesn't provide me a husband, or doesn't provide one for the next 10 to 20 years, what will i do? how will that affect my faith? is my faith in my preferred future or in god?

the people in hebrews 11 had faith in god. their hope was vested in eternal promises, not promises that the world was making. god brought them ultimate security. they could see and welcome god's promises in the future, even though they couldn't touch them.

i could go on, but rick says it better. listen to his sermon. then ask yourself what your hope (your security) is in. and how does your faith engage your hope?

i hope to be married someday. but i don't want to put my security there.