beginning to end the prolonged singleness blame game?

novagirl commented on my last post that she, like me, is stumped when it comes to what to do to work out some of this prolonged singleness stuff: "But what I would like to see is more energy going into prayer and seeking God's guidance on what to do rather than attacking those we disagree with."

her sentiments echo some things that have been bouncing around in my head lately. one of those bouncy things in my head is corporate prayer. i admit, i suck at it. i mean, i can pray out loud, i can initiate praying out loud with my small group, or my family or anyone else. and a few times i've thought, hey i should call up some people or send out an email and get everyone together to pray for/about stuff. i just never actually do it. it's been on my mind more and more lately, especially after reading this post about women praying and this post about praying in general (and listening to the linked message) on carolyn mcculley's blog.

i'm pretty sure that prayer is always a good thing, and i'm even more sure that corporate prayer is music to god's ears. and i think that in this situation prayer would work wonders because it would take the focus off of me (or whoever was praying).

most of us singles are ready to admit we can be pretty selfish. but on top of that i think a lot of us carry around this weird self-focus. when it comes to dating and trying to move towards marriage, we crank up the self focus. i hear it in myself and from a lot of my friends. we ask ourselves what we're doing wrong. we read different dating books. we try different dating websites. we date for awhile, then stop then climb back up and date some more.

i have read almost every dating book i could get my hands on. i've been on match and eharmony a combined total of four or five times. i've gone to therapy, i've gone on several dates that i knew i didn't want to go on just because i felt like i should 'be open' and 'give it a chance' because, well, 'you never know!' now, after the reading and the internet dating and the real dating and the talking to random guys through myspace and facebook and the wondering what i've done wrong and how i can do it better, i'm just tired of thinking about and looking into myself. i'm not done growing and changing and learning, i'm just done fixing myself in regards to the dating realm.

the thought of praying for other single women, or praying for single men just sounds so appealing and helpful and just awesome. i don't know why, but it makes me feel good to think that i could really help other people this way! there is so much good that could come out of it! good for the men and women i (and others) would pray for, good for us as we prayed and shared together, good for us because prayer generally draws us closer to god, and other good that i'm sure i'm not going to think of.

and i don't think that we all have to sit around and pray for our future spouses. i admit, that weirds me out sometimes. i feel like just praying for single men and women in my church or who i hang out with, or praying that more single men would come back to church, that churches would become places they want to be, etc, etc. just lifting all of those desires we have up to Him....

what would happen if we all started doing that? if we could round up a few people? if this time, instead of just thinking (and now writing) about it, i actually step out and do it?

the hard lesson in the treasure chest

just when i thought everything was ok, and i would skate out of this seth situation without messing anything up too badly, the real consequences show up.

tonight i met seth for coffee, at his request. he asked if was sure that i just wanted to be friends, and i realized for the first time just how much pain i had caused us both. i mean, yeah, we're both to blame, to some extent. neither one of us protected either our own hearts or each other's. but i am very guilty of not lining my actions up with my words. it's one thing to say 'we're just friends,' but quite another to act like it.

tonight, seth told me that after processing and praying more, he realized that he really did want to date me. he really did like me as more than a friend. and i had to sit there and tell him that i was sure that i didn't have those feelings. and now i have to leave him alone for awhile. who knows how long. and he has some hard work to do; finding other people to spend time with and open up to.

it was really hard talking to him tonight because a big chunk of his pain is my fault, and now that it's been inflicted, i can't help him. i just have to back off and pray. plus, i've been there. i know that pain, and i know how much worse it is when you don't have a roommate or any close friends to help you figure it out. thinking about seth alone in his house and dealing with heartbreak breaks my heart.

i know he'll be ok, and that makes me feel better. but it was really hard to stomach how guilty i am in this situation. i hurt someone i really care about. i was really dumb. i am praying for him, that he'll connect with some great people and be able to open up and share, and feel known. also that god will draw him close and reassure him that he is loved and cared for and just an amazing, amazing guy.

i'm pretty sure the lesson has sunk in now. i get it. i don't ever want to be careless with someone's heart again. the flirting and temporary good feelings aren't worth it. i'm sorry, lord. i am really, really sorry. this is a lesson it took me a long time to figure out, but i get it now. negligence and denial and carelessness can hurt people just as much as intentional meanness or spite or any of those more active things.

selfishness doesn't help anyone

ok so i really screwed up. i got selfish and now i have to undo some stuff i never should have done. because of it all, i may have lost a friend, and i'm pretty sure i've hurt him.

don't coast. don't avoid the hard conversations. don't assume everything is fine and you can keep doing what you're doing and you'll just get away with it. if you have any kind of a conscience, you won't. and if the word 'defraud' is floating around in your head, probably you're doing something you shouldn't be, and you should stop right away, before you do real damage to someone's heart.

god, i'm sorry. i was selfish again, and have probably hurt a really cool guy by being that way. please give me the strength to say what i need to say, to be mature about it, and give him the strength to hear it and realize that this just isn't meant to be.

more later, after i set things right.