but what i really really want is...

all the 'good' stuff i've been doing has been overwhelming me lately. don't get me wrong; i'm involved in awesome stuff. but when the awesome stuff is piling up higher than i can see, it doesn't feel so awesome any more. it feels like chains stretching and pulling me in every direction.

so i've been feeling stressed out, over-committed and lonely lately. i feel like i've been giving so much of myself away and yet not feeling any better about anything. luckily i've been steeped in truth enough to know that you can't keep pouring water out of a can with out filling it up. i need a fill up. i'm just not sure where to get it. but that's another post for maybe another time.

in the midst of all the down feelings, i threw myself a little singleness pity party. it left me thinking hard about a kind of dilemma....

the dilemma is as follows; i can't think of anything i want more than to be married. i can't think of any job i want or any place i want to go or any thing i'd like to have instead of marriage. ok, fine. right now, getting to marriage seems to be completely out of my control. i also have what i'll call a feeling, or maybe an impression, that i'm not supposed to be chasing marriage right now. i'm not supposed to be biding my time putting my profile on singles sites and combing the lists of eligible bachelors. i'm supposed to be living my life and loving god and others. (just go with me on that last one for a minute.)

so the big problem is that everything else i do feels like something to pass the time; every volunteer project i take on, every dream i have about buying that building down the street or buying a house or just spending another year in my large dirt cheap apartment. it all just feels like second place. like, ok, since i can't have what i really want, what else can i do that will make me kind of happy for a while and keep me from focusing too much on being single?

the only solution i can come up with is that i need to pray to ask god to make me want him and want what he has for me more than what i want right now (marriage). can i just tell you how much i really don't like that? i want what i want, god! give it to me!!!!

it's kind of overwhelming. the whole 'what do i do with my life' question. i mean, yea, sure, i'm doing the little small things.... being more generous with my time and money, etc, etc. but i need a vision. i need to be moving toward something. i need to feel like i have a tangible end goal.

ok. i'm rambling. and whining.

i want a medal!

sometimes, i want a medal. i want recognition for being 28, a virgin, and relatively healthy and well-adjusted. and i want to give medals to a whole bunch of my friends. like andy, who's just shy of 40, one of the most godly and handsome men i know, and still single. and my friend lea, who's 32 and arty and fabulous and still single.

i want there to be a big ceremony for me and my single friends at church. or maybe just a sunday where the sermon is all about how to be a good, god-loving single person. how to serve your friends and family, affirmations that you're doing a good job, and that god still loves you. and the pastor would talk about how tough it is; all the crap we have to deal with. all the things geared toward couples and families, the loneliness of coming home to your still-empty apartment or your roommate and her boyfriend watching a movie on the couch. he would tell humorous insightful stories about the single life, and force all the married, divorced and widowed people to listen to them. there'd probably be a story about when you get wedding invitations and you have to deal with that whole 'and guest' thing.

the ceremony/sermon thing would be 'for everybody' the same way all the sermons i've sat through about marriage or kids or in-laws are. but really it would be just for those of us who always have been and still are single. and just for a minute we would secretly feel all full of ourselves and smile at all the clueless faces around us.

(i promise i'm not as bitter as i sound, but, i did say i'd be honest...)