the hard lesson in the treasure chest

just when i thought everything was ok, and i would skate out of this seth situation without messing anything up too badly, the real consequences show up.

tonight i met seth for coffee, at his request. he asked if was sure that i just wanted to be friends, and i realized for the first time just how much pain i had caused us both. i mean, yeah, we're both to blame, to some extent. neither one of us protected either our own hearts or each other's. but i am very guilty of not lining my actions up with my words. it's one thing to say 'we're just friends,' but quite another to act like it.

tonight, seth told me that after processing and praying more, he realized that he really did want to date me. he really did like me as more than a friend. and i had to sit there and tell him that i was sure that i didn't have those feelings. and now i have to leave him alone for awhile. who knows how long. and he has some hard work to do; finding other people to spend time with and open up to.

it was really hard talking to him tonight because a big chunk of his pain is my fault, and now that it's been inflicted, i can't help him. i just have to back off and pray. plus, i've been there. i know that pain, and i know how much worse it is when you don't have a roommate or any close friends to help you figure it out. thinking about seth alone in his house and dealing with heartbreak breaks my heart.

i know he'll be ok, and that makes me feel better. but it was really hard to stomach how guilty i am in this situation. i hurt someone i really care about. i was really dumb. i am praying for him, that he'll connect with some great people and be able to open up and share, and feel known. also that god will draw him close and reassure him that he is loved and cared for and just an amazing, amazing guy.

i'm pretty sure the lesson has sunk in now. i get it. i don't ever want to be careless with someone's heart again. the flirting and temporary good feelings aren't worth it. i'm sorry, lord. i am really, really sorry. this is a lesson it took me a long time to figure out, but i get it now. negligence and denial and carelessness can hurt people just as much as intentional meanness or spite or any of those more active things.

god made treasure out of my trash!

wow. so i really thought i had screwed up my friendship with seth beyond recognition. but god took my selfishness, convicted me, and enabled me to step up, sort things out, and maybe even help a friend, even though i had to hurt him first.

let me backtrack a little. after the incident last weekend where seth and i slept on the futon after my party, things got a little... undefined. he was much more flirty with me, and i was enjoying it, so i was flirty back. all the while i kept telling myself, we're just friends! it's ok!

but it wasn't ok. it's never ok to not guard your heart or someone else's. the next week, while at work, we were emailing each other frequently throughout the day. then seth asked me if i wanted to go to a hockey game with him on saturday night. i said, sure. i love hockey! we went to the game with several other people, and afterward ended up at my place to chill and watch monty python dvds.

as we sat on the couch laughing, i realized he was inching closer to me. even though i knew better, i let him. and then somehow we were curled up together on the couch, and he was stroking my arm. um. yeah. and i let him. and then he started talking about how great this was. and i was like, um yeah, it is. and i was stuck. i had agreed; he thought we were on the same page. i completely knew we weren't, but i couldn't bring myself to say it. i just stayed there, curled up with him, letting him hold me and stroke my hair and tell me how this was so cool.

the next day, we had church and then brunch with some friends. afterwards, seth invited me over to watch a moto GP race later. i said sure, i'll come over around six.

so i went home, prayed, and called my good friend evan. we talked a while, and in true evan-fashion he gave me the truth i needed; be honest with seth, and do it ASAP. preferably in person. no hiding behind the phone. i also talked to my roommate, who gave me pretty much the same advice. and both of them made me feel a lot better by reminding me that seth is a big boy, and even though i might hurt his feelings, i wouldn't wreck his life or anything.

armed with encouragement, truth, and determination, i went over to seth's house sunday evening to watch the race. we ate dinner, watched the race, and then i turned to face him on the couch. it was really tough to get the words out, but i did. of course i started to cry, but i think that was good.

i told seth that this just wasn't working. that the change from friends to more than friends was not good. i told him that there was just something missing for me. i like you, i said. you are solid. you love jesus, and you like hockey and racing. i have prayed for a guy who loves jesus and likes hockey and racing! but you are not that guy. i can't engage in this 100% because i can feel that you are not that guy, and we are not supposed to be more than friends. and i'm pretty sure more time won't change that.

and wouldn't you know it... even though he was sad and and frustrated, (and honestly so was i), he saw it. we talked more about how things had progressed between us, and he admitted that yeah, he probably would have pursued me harder if were really sure he was into me. we were both pretty emotional, and kind of holding each other sideways on the couch after a while. eventually he looked at me and said, yeah, if this were the real deal, i'd be wanting to do a lot more than just hold you like this right now. it took me a minute to figure out what he meant.... oh! yeah, like if we really liked each other, we'd want to kiss. but neither of us wants that.

we talked for a long time after that, and it was really good. he opened up and shared a lot with me, and i felt like listening to him and just being there for him enabled me to kind of make up for hurting him, in a way. kind of. maybe.

since leaving his place last night, i've felt so much better. more whole. more ready for what's next, even if it's just more time with god and my girlfriends. and i am so humbled that god used me to help seth after i was so selfish. thanks, god.

selfishness doesn't help anyone

ok so i really screwed up. i got selfish and now i have to undo some stuff i never should have done. because of it all, i may have lost a friend, and i'm pretty sure i've hurt him.

don't coast. don't avoid the hard conversations. don't assume everything is fine and you can keep doing what you're doing and you'll just get away with it. if you have any kind of a conscience, you won't. and if the word 'defraud' is floating around in your head, probably you're doing something you shouldn't be, and you should stop right away, before you do real damage to someone's heart.

god, i'm sorry. i was selfish again, and have probably hurt a really cool guy by being that way. please give me the strength to say what i need to say, to be mature about it, and give him the strength to hear it and realize that this just isn't meant to be.

more later, after i set things right.

sharing & healing

i met up with my friend bev last night so she could share some of her 'dating' (hi)story with me. it was really, really great. afterwards i was struck by how people's stories can be so different, yet so much the same. the bottom line is that most of us have been hurt by some combination of crappy things happening, people being selfish, and our own bad decisions. different combinations of those things and different personalities and circumstances create different outcomes, obviously, but wounds are wounds. we're all definitely wounded, and it affects the way we relate to (or attempt to relate to) the opposite sex.

but people healing and moving through hurt is so encouraging! and talking with bev last night was definitely encouraging. she is healing, and in turn is helping others heal. so cool!

i think that is such an important thing for us single people, to share and heal and be healed. it's important for everyone, obviously. but with our fierce independence and fast-paced work-oriented lives, it's so easy to become isolated. and that makes the loneliness and the fear and the sadness so much worse. but if just step outside of myself, little by little, and share what i have learned, and listen to others share what they're learning.... i'm connected. and god uses those connections in awesome ways.

next we're kicking off a women's group, and i am really looking forward to it. i think i've really missed the kind of friendship bonds that can come from a small group. i've definitely seen how lately the lack of good girlfriends has been affecting my life. and now i'm finally doing something about it.

post-party & a pretend boyfriend

so the party was great, as bev stated in her comment on the previous post (thanks bev!) everyone had great costumes, the 'black death punch' turned out great, and there was lots of great food, dancing, and good times.

i really enjoyed the party. i didn't get swept off of my feet by any mysterious (or familiar) men, but i still had a blast.

i also spent most of the weekend with seth. i'm not quite sure how i feel about that.

we walked a 5k charity race together friday night. saturday he showed up for the party around 10pm, and he ended up crashing on my futon. so did i. i know, i know... it sounds bad. it totally wasn't. he hadn't been drinking much, but wasn't feeling great. after all the guests had left, and my roommate and her boyfriend had left (they spent the night at his place, they always do on weekends), it was just me and seth. earlier i had told him he could crash on my couch if he wanted.

honestly, i was really glad seth was there. it's really crappy to be in your apartment by yourself after a huge party. everyone has gone home, your roommate is at her boyfriend's, and it's just you, a giant mess, and the last track or two on the party mix playing quietly. plus, in the past, i've done stupid things like make out with guys i shouldn't make out with after everyone else has left. not my finer moments, i know.

like i said, it was really nice knowing seth was there. i felt safe and connected. we sat on the couch and talked for a while, about some pretty deep things. past relationships, mistakes, being single, fulfillment, etc. finally i got up and unfolded the couch; it was a lot more comfortable. i grabbed some pillows, and we stretched out and continued talking. at one point i grabbed a blanket for him and one for me. the last thing i remember was finishing a sentence and then closing my eyes. i opened them again, and seth's were closed, so i shut mine again, and was asleep in like 3 seconds.

so we slept on the same futon together. it was completely platonic, and really nice. no, we didn't cuddle. we didn't touch each other at all. i'm not saying it was the most genius idea, or that i would do it all the time in the future. i totally could have gotten up and gone to my own bed (which is in the next room).

the next morning, we woke up and talked and laughed and both admitted that it was just really nice to have someone around. we met some friends for brunch and spent the day with them at the park, just laying around and soaking up the sun. then seth came back to my apartment and helped my roommate and i clean up the mess. (nice guy, eh?!) after the cleaning, we ate some pizza and watched a movie.

after this whole experience, the biggest thing i'm left with is the thought that after a while, there are no rules. or maybe there are, but because i am so imperfect, i can't follow them perfectly all the time. things were a lot simpler when i was 19 and single. even when i was 22 or even 25. but somehow, it seems like the older i get the more difficult and murky life gets.

i'm still not quite sure how to articulate my feelings about what happened this weekend. really, nothing happened. but i still feel slightly odd about it. that defraud word is in my head again. i guess i know that i am slipping into that pretend boyfriend pattern again. i don't want the rest of my life to be crashing on futons with platonic pretend boyfriends. i don't want potential dates to not pursue me because it appears that i am dating seth.

but the very immature part of me shakes my fist at god and whines, well, there aren't any potential dates around, and dammit, i'm lonely! if seth is all i have, then i will enjoy my friendship with him. if i can't be flirty with a boyfriend, then i'll be flirty with him instead! i know god is softly sighing and shaking his head at me. i'm trying, god! i really am. i see the pattern, i feel the conviction, and i'm trying to make some changes.

all of this makes me think of some lyrics by one of the only christian bands i've ever really really liked. the band is joy electric, and i didn't originally fall in love with them for the lyrics. but this song, candy cane carriage, has a couple of lines that really hit home. i don't know if ronnie martin was single for a long time, but this song captures some of the longing i feel. my favorite line:

To be young and in love
Is a gift laced in gold
All the years have made me scared
Just to give me something to share

the years have made me scared, even though i don't want to be and know i shouldn't be. i keep praying and hoping, though, for something to share.

party time

i've been living in the same apartment for about 3 years. i've had 3 different roommates since i've moved in. luckily, all 3 of them have shared my love of a good party. from last-minute get-togethers with maybe 6 to 10 people to full blown, stereo crankin', 100 people bashes; we've seen it all.

tonight night my roommate A and i are throwing a halloween party. in the past, we've had upwards of 100 people come to these kinds of parties. crazy, i know! luckily our apartment is big and spread out, and we've got a deck out back.

it's funny how my attitude toward these parties has changed over the last 3 years. the first ever big party i threw was for valentines day. my first roommate and i threw it, and it was huge. we had no idea so many people would come. the day after the party, we were at church, and two ridiculously good looking guys came up to us and said, lisa, sc! great party last night! that was awesome! we looked at each other and grinned; success!

now, like 5 or 6 giant parties later, i'm a pro at this. and while it's fun, it's not quite as thrilling as it use to be. first of all, from a single person's standpoint, as terrible as this sounds, i've stopped hoping to meet someone. i know all the dudes who show up. and if i don't know them, well, generally there's a reason for that. like, they're someone else's girlfriend, or they're really short (don't get all up on my case. there's nothing wrong with being short. it's just that i am 6'1", and feel ridiculously awkward dating shorter men), or they have many issues.

so my attitude has changed. and as with anything, parties are old hat now. i've thrown and attended a lot as a single person. they're not shiny and new anymore, they're a staple of the single life.

i am still excited though. i'm hoping to introduce friends to other friends, and maybe see some sparks fly. i'm hoping to just laugh and have fun and enjoy myself. i'm hoping to serve my friends out of love with the gifts god has given me. and if 2 other random good looking guys congratulate me at church tomorrow, i'll take it. a compliment is a compliment.

some random, rambling thoughts

lately my thoughts have been occupied more with random life stuff and less with questions of singleness, etc. i mean, thoughts about my status are always present, it's just that sometimes they're eclipsed by all the other things i do and think about and take part in.

so here are just some random thoughts that have popped into my head lately. take them as you will. each paragraph is full of ramblings on a different thought. they're all singleness related, just not as well thought out as usual.

i wish i could discover something i'm sold out about, 100%. i feel like i'm so wishy-washy; i go through phases. this summer and fall it's been volleyball and being outside. sometimes work takes over. but it seems to be that i ride waves for a while, then sort of float off of them and onto something else. i can't help but wonder, if i was really really into something, would that make it easier to meet someone? some great guy who's just as into what i'm into? i mean sure, there's god and faith, and that's huge, but i mean something more... i dunno what the right word is. more thing-like, i guess. and anyway, i generally feel like i've met all the dateable guys at my church at this point. it's like college; i got to a certain point and realized that unless some random transfer student showed up, i wasn't going to meet 'the one' while getting my degree. why do i feel that way now, when there's no end point? i'm not going to meet 'the one' until.... until what?

i think i'm going to start asking some of my guy friends what they're waiting for. i have several guy friends who are in their 30s and 40s and i don't really see them moving toward relationships with any of the girls we know. and believe me; there are some quality girls in my group of friends. we all (guys and girls) talk about marriage a lot, but there are a few guys i look at and think, ok, what are you doing about it? and maybe they are doing things. maybe i just don't see them. so i'll have to ask these questions with a lot of tact and a lot of love.

so i agree with some of the points of the marriage mandate. pushing marriage off for no good reason is not the best idea. but i get frustrated with that movement because it just seems to be a lot of blaming and condemning and sarcastic blog entries. what are they doing to help the situation? i get frustrated too because i feel like my hands are tied. i didn't ask for this (to be 28 and single), and i can't do much to change it. i continue to pray, to pour my heart out to god. i still cry (more than i'd really like to admit), and i'm sick of it. but what can i do? i've tried eharmony and match, several times. i went through a phase where i'd go out with pretty much any guy who asked me. none of it has done much good. now i'm just trying to love god and others and be open to whatever he has for me. there's nothing wrong with how i'm living, it's just not what i wanted. but isn't life full of things like this? god lets things that we don't want into our lives. he doesn't stop them from happening. i desperately want to glorify him with this situation. i desperately don't want to turn into a bitter mopey single 30-something. but i'm also very afraid i will. this is hard, living like this. harder than a lot of people know, i think.

i know god loves me and has the best for me. but best means something more like 'best relationship with god' or 'best character development' and something less like 'best tangible gifts for you right now.' or at least that's how i feel. he has hopes and plans that are supposed to prosper me. and i want to prosper, no matter what the situation! so i am trying to choose a good attitude every day. but sometimes it feels so damn fake! i am tired of this version of my life! yeah, it's not bad, but it has gotten old! my married friends read my blog or hear me talking about going out with friends, and they say things like ohh, that sounds so exotic/romantic/like such fun. and i want to shout at them, it's the same crap you were doing two years ago when you were single and we hung out! nothing has changed except the faces and names! you've moved on, and i'm still here! you're not missing out on anything, i promise!

and this has mostly just turned into a rant. i didn't really intend it to.

god, i just lift all of this up to you, along with anyone else who's feeling the frustrations i am right now. you love me. more than anyone else has loved me or could love me or will love me. you have chosen to allow my life to go this way. you have good things here for me. i want to enjoy them. i want to be happy and hopeful.... give me the strength to choose happiness and contentment and hope every day, and especially every night. give me the strength to keep putting myself out there and loving other people, no matter where they are in life.