dating: work or wait?

i'm still thinking on this. why? maybe because i've tried both tactics, and so far neither one has yielded a spouse. the working thing, however, has yielded my trying new things (volleyball), meeting new people, and several mediocre dates. well, and that whole 'learning about yourself' thing. that was pretty important.

maybe working at meeting someone and trusting god are not mutually exclusive. maybe i can do both. work at meeting a guy while trusting god he'll introduce me to someone cool? woah. groundbreaking, eh? not really, i know. living with the tension, as bev so wisely pointed out to me in her comment on the previous post.

i'm also thinking it would be better if i didn't look at situations as so black and white. no, dating lots of different guys didn't immediately lead to me meeting a husband, and yes, that's kind of frustrating. but i learned about myself, learned about men, and i now have some more random stories to tell. same thing with not dating; i just have less stories from that time. neither one was all bad or all good.

it'd probably be a good thing if i pushed myself to try some different activities in an attempt to meet some new prospects. even if i don't meet anyone, other good almost always comes from trying new activities/service projects/etc. i have to admit i feel kind of lame when i think, oh, i'm trying random activity x so i can meet some guys, and i'm not sure why. it feels kind of fake or something. i think that's my own crap to get over, probably, though.

more work? less work? i have no idea

i am comforted by the thought that god can do whatever he wants to do no matter what i do, because a lot of the time, i just don't know what to do.

on one hand, i want to wait on god. i want to be patient enough to let him do his thing without me messing anything up. i want my future husband to notice me because of who i am; my character, kindness, quirkyness, even my physical beauty. i don't want to feel like i have to scheme and plot and throw myself in front of him in order to get his attention.

on the other hand, i know guys aren't perfect. i know they can be insecure and that girls can be intimidating. i also know that most of them appreciate a sign from a girl who is open and interested. plus i don't want to miss out on something because i am sitting on my butt waiting for some dude to drop out of the sky. plus i don't want to put unrealistic (or maybe a better word is ungodly) expectations on a guy or on a future relationship.

i'm having trouble figuring out how much work or focus on dating is too much, or not enough, or just right. i used to think a relationship would just happen; it'd be a natural thing. i'd be doing my thing and some great godly guy would be doing his thing and our paths would cross somehow. there'd be some kind of mutual interest and then something would develop. but now i'm a little confused. i still want it to happen that way.... it's just not. i've been doing my thing for quite some time and it hasn't worked yet.

then i hear things that make me think i need to work at this more. don't get me wrong, i've done some work. i've taken multiple shots at internet dating, i've gone on a lot of dates with a lot of random guys, and i feel like i'm really open and outgoing. i meet new people relatively often. a while back evan emailed me and said he'd heard james dobson on the radio saying that if he really wanted to be married, he'd be working hard at it. he'd be going to new places and hanging with new people if he didn't see any options in sight. as in, if there's no fish in your little pond, go find a new pond. evan said that dobson was saying he would relocate to find love, move to another city, find new clubs or organizations, join a new church, reach out to new people.

woah. that's a lot of work. and i struggle with that. i really do want to be married. should i completely change my life and social habits if i'm not meeting anyone worth dating? should i focus on it more? or should i just let go, and instead focus on loving and serving god? it does seem like there are a lot of people who meet someone great when they least expect it; when they let go of searching and just live for a while.

ok. i'm going to marinate on this some more. you do the same.

waiting is hard and i'm not good at it

um, so i didn't last very long with the waiting. but it's not my fault!!
ok, so it's totally my fault. but i do put some of the blame on elisabeth elliott.

here's the deal. so today, i had a long IM conversation with a guy friend about volleyball dude (henceforth known as vb dude). i asked my friend if i should take one more shot at trying to send the message that i am both interested and available, or just wait and pray. we talked for awhile, and we both finally agreed that it would be totally ok for me to email the girl i know in his small group and ask her if she wouldn't mind inviting him to a christmas party we're having this weekend. so that's what i did.

but i really struggled with this. i read so many elisabeth elliott books in my formative years that i live in fear of pursuing a guy or being manipulative. i also spent my high school and very early college years being rather forward with a few of the guys i dated. and i don't like that. i don't like chasing boys, at all. i did it then out of desperation. and i'm not desperate anymore.

now that i'm an adult and i've read books like how to get a date worth keeping, and heard all kinds of great stories about how certain awesome christian couples got together, i don't know what to think (or do for that matter).

after sending the email and talking to a few friends (guy and girl), i feel like what i did was ok. all of my friends agreed that guys are often clueless and need help. they also agreed that it's no big deal. men appreciate knowing if a girl is open/receptive/interested or not. i never found out if this girl talked to vb dude after i mentioned that i met him and thought he was cool. so this was just a follow up.

of course, now i really have to be done. like, for serious! no more. i feel like i really have to let go of this and leave it up to god and this dude. so now i am waiting and praying. and trusting that the results, no matter what, are within his will.

waiting...

...is hard!!! that dude i met while playing volleyball several weeks ago has yet to reappear, and it's really annoying me. he's come up in conversation a few times with friends, and i've met a few more people who know him, but that's it. at work recently a girl came up to me and said, hey, so i hear you met volleyball guy! yes, i replied, i did... he's really cool. and that made me think, hmm.... ok, he mentioned me to his friend. that's a good sign, right? sure. i'll take what i can get. :-)

it's really kind of surreal. i feel like like we live in separate parallel universes. we know the same people, do similar things, attend the same church, but our paths only crossed one random time, and never again since.

i don't want to over-think this. he's just one guy, and i talked to him one time. but i don't meet many quality guys who really spark my interest, so when i do, i want to make sure i act accordingly. i put the word out with a girl i know who's in his small group. she knows that i met him and was interested. and that's really all i can do. i have to just wait and see.

but the waiting is so hard! holy crap. i really believe that as women we're supposed to be pursued. so i have made my interest known, tried to make myself available, and now i just have to wait and see. and that is just frustrating. to sit and trust god that his perfect will will happen without me messing around with things.

but i can DO this. i know i can. so i'm shutting up about this dude. i'm not asking anymore friends about him, i'm not going to whine to anyone else about how frustrating it is that i met him one time and haven't seen him since. if he really is quality and really is someone i should get to know, he and god will work that out. in the meantime, i'll just keep praying.......

circumstances change, god's promises don't

when i first started this blog, i would write down snippets of post ideas on post-it notes and stick them in my journal. i came across one this morning that says here, in my singleness, god will appear to me. i am not leaving until i can really see him. underneath that i had written obedience and then underneath that, phil 1:6. woah. i'm not leaving?

philippians 1:6 is a great verse. but i kept reading in philippians, and i came across 1:19-20.

i am continuing to rejoice. i know that what's happened and continues to happen will turn out for my deliverance, my character building, and my being the image of jesus for someone else. the last part of verse 20, with just a simple phrase change, sort of sums it up, for me. below is the passage, with my phrase change in italics....

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether in singleness or in marriage.

if i can't see or experience christ right now, with my circumstances as they are, what makes me think i will be able to experience him more or better with different circumstances? god controls circumstances, not the other way around.

i saw rob bell speak last night. wow. as he reminded me, god is already on my side. it's finished. he's for me. no matter what circumstances now say, thousands of years of history and the stories of those years as told in the bible prove that god is on my side. i have sufficient courage. i will exalt you, christ, no matter what. i want to exalt you. i can honestly say that i would rather stay here and exalt you and understand you and feel my heart wanting to be about what you are about. i would rather have all of that right now than drop it to meet someone and move toward being married.

woah. that is big for me. really big for me.

holidays, reunions and fabulousness

so happy post thanksgiving. i had family in town and was busy with them for most of the break, so i was slacking on the posting. the break was a lot of fun. and i have to say that for the first time in a really long time, i didn't really feel any pangs of loneliness over the holiday. even when my dad, his girlfriend, my brother and his wife and i went out to dinner. even when i sat by myself in the back of my brother and his wife's car on the way home from black friday shopping. i felt pretty comfortable and content the whole time. it was great!

believe it or not, i even felt comfortable when i went to... my ten year high school reunion! yup. i showed up alone, sparkled and shone for about 4 hours, and left alone. and it was great.

i was kind of a nerd in high school. too tall, too skinny, and too insecure. i know most of us have that last one in common. i'm a pretty humble person, most of the time, but i have to say... i looked fabulous at my reunion. how do i know this? first of all, i felt fabulous. and second of all, people told me i looked fabulous. not just, hey you look good! but i mean, like, wow, sc! you look fabulous! i mean, like really, really good! even the people who used to be popular back in the day were saying it.

i actually had a really great time. i walked around chatting with people i haven't seen in years, feeling fabulous the whole time. even when people asked me if i was married. nope! i'd say, and then i'd laugh or look mischievous.

i am so thankful to be in this place where i am secure and confident. and i'm not even dating anyone! i've struggled with self confidence since i was in middle school. i'm not 100% sure what all has contributed to me feeling so good recently. i think some of it's just me deciding i'm sick of feeling insecure.

if you don't feel fabulous at least 30 to 50% of the time, stop and think about why. and then do something about it. seriously. god wants you to feel fabulous. so do i! oh and so does your future spouse!

a happy, hope-filled holiday season?

strolling through my local target tonight, i had my first big christmas retail experience of the season. trees, lights, ornaments, christmas dishses, christmas towels... you name it, they had it. and it's not even thanksgiving yet. i even almost bought a christmas gift, but i didn't have cell service in the store so i couldn't call my friend to ask if her mom wants a certain home decor item for christmas.

as i meandered through the christmas ornament aisle, i noticed a young couple looking at ornament packages. they seemed to be trying to decide what color scheme to go with. that seems like it would be fun, i thought, smiling. picking out your first christmas ornaments and decorations together. sure, i could buy a tree and decorate it myself, or do it with my roommate, but i don't think either of us will be around much during the holidays. and besides, as most of you would probably agree, it's just not the same.

the cool thing about seeing this couple was what happened inside me... i was really happy for them! and my happy thoughts for them were followed by happy thoughts for me; someday i'll do that. not this year, probably not next year, but someday. and it feels good to feel happy. to be able to be happy for someone else and happy about the hope that i have.