satisfactorily single on new year's eve

single venus and i were at the same new year's eve party. it makes me laugh that two people can be at the same party and have completely different experiences.

i've been struggling through some kind of sinus thing since sunday, so i've had this random annoying headache that comes and goes and seems to be indifferent to any of the medicine i've taken. the headache showed up monday afternoon, a few hours before the party. on top of that, i'm just kind of partied out. normally i'm party girl; i love a big gathering, fun music, etc. but i wasn't really in the mood for any of that monday night. since i was supplying both the party punch and the tunes, i packed up and headed out with my roommate and seth.

it really was a nice party. single venus noted that she "spent the whole night surrounded by beautiful people - laughing, flirting, eating, and taking wild pictures." i have to agree that a lot of our friends are pretty good looking. i guess i just forget that sometimes because i know all of them relatively well. and with the guys, i know them all well enough to know that i'm not interested.

i wasn't much in the mood for partying or making small talk with a zillion people. i chatted with people i hadn't seen in a while, made the rounds once or twice, then found a wall to hold up with the help of seth and my roommate, both of whom are introverts. it was nice to just chill with them.

and wouldn't you know it, i was in the right place at the right time to help someone who really needed some encouragement. if the headache and my lack of interest in the party were all just to put me where i needed to be to help a friend, they were worth it.

a girl at the party had come with her boyfriend; i know them both, though i know him better than her. rick and michelle have been on again/off again for a while now. but even when they're on, he doesn't treat her like a girlfriend. at some point during the party, she must have decided that she'd had enough of him (flirting with others, drinking, etc), because i saw her sitting out in the cold on the front porch waiting for a cab.

i didn't know what exactly had happened, but i knew enough to know that she probably felt really alone (the party was his friends, not hers) and really upset. so i went outside and sat down next to her. she kept telling me she was fine, and i kept saying, i know, but i'll just sit here with you for a while. and finally i just said look, i know it's none of my business, but, you are beautiful and smart and really fun and you deserve to be with someone who treats you well. rick's not a bad guy, but he doesn't treat you how you deserve to be treated. you could do better. you deserve better.

she just melted. she started to cry and told me about how he'd broken up with her 3 times but she kept taking him back because she was lonely. how she felt so dumb because she knew she didn't love him or even want to be with him, but it was just so hard. we sat outside for a while, just kind of holding each other (me comforting her and trying to keep us both warm). i told her she wasn't dumb, and that i had definitely been there before. we heard everyone count down inside, and toasted each other, kind of smiling at the random situation. eventually i convinced her to come back inside and hang out for a while until i could collect seth and my roommate, and then we'd leave and take her home.

it felt really good to spend new year's eve helping someone out instead of trying to kill time by drinking more punch and holding up walls and flirting with guys i already know i don't want to date.

it also felt really good to be single. single and drama free. i wasn't worried about who would (or wouldn't) be at the party, or who i might miss out on talking to if i sat outside to talk to michelle. i wasn't worried about leaving the party early. i was available and useful and that felt really good.

holidays, reunions and fabulousness

so happy post thanksgiving. i had family in town and was busy with them for most of the break, so i was slacking on the posting. the break was a lot of fun. and i have to say that for the first time in a really long time, i didn't really feel any pangs of loneliness over the holiday. even when my dad, his girlfriend, my brother and his wife and i went out to dinner. even when i sat by myself in the back of my brother and his wife's car on the way home from black friday shopping. i felt pretty comfortable and content the whole time. it was great!

believe it or not, i even felt comfortable when i went to... my ten year high school reunion! yup. i showed up alone, sparkled and shone for about 4 hours, and left alone. and it was great.

i was kind of a nerd in high school. too tall, too skinny, and too insecure. i know most of us have that last one in common. i'm a pretty humble person, most of the time, but i have to say... i looked fabulous at my reunion. how do i know this? first of all, i felt fabulous. and second of all, people told me i looked fabulous. not just, hey you look good! but i mean, like, wow, sc! you look fabulous! i mean, like really, really good! even the people who used to be popular back in the day were saying it.

i actually had a really great time. i walked around chatting with people i haven't seen in years, feeling fabulous the whole time. even when people asked me if i was married. nope! i'd say, and then i'd laugh or look mischievous.

i am so thankful to be in this place where i am secure and confident. and i'm not even dating anyone! i've struggled with self confidence since i was in middle school. i'm not 100% sure what all has contributed to me feeling so good recently. i think some of it's just me deciding i'm sick of feeling insecure.

if you don't feel fabulous at least 30 to 50% of the time, stop and think about why. and then do something about it. seriously. god wants you to feel fabulous. so do i! oh and so does your future spouse!

a happy, hope-filled holiday season?

strolling through my local target tonight, i had my first big christmas retail experience of the season. trees, lights, ornaments, christmas dishses, christmas towels... you name it, they had it. and it's not even thanksgiving yet. i even almost bought a christmas gift, but i didn't have cell service in the store so i couldn't call my friend to ask if her mom wants a certain home decor item for christmas.

as i meandered through the christmas ornament aisle, i noticed a young couple looking at ornament packages. they seemed to be trying to decide what color scheme to go with. that seems like it would be fun, i thought, smiling. picking out your first christmas ornaments and decorations together. sure, i could buy a tree and decorate it myself, or do it with my roommate, but i don't think either of us will be around much during the holidays. and besides, as most of you would probably agree, it's just not the same.

the cool thing about seeing this couple was what happened inside me... i was really happy for them! and my happy thoughts for them were followed by happy thoughts for me; someday i'll do that. not this year, probably not next year, but someday. and it feels good to feel happy. to be able to be happy for someone else and happy about the hope that i have.

the blessing in single, from boundlessline.org

i found this post on boundlessline.org, and was very encouraged and strengthened by it. thought i'd share. suzanne hadley has some good things to say.

grateful and content

through a myriad of ways, god's been working on my heart this week, and continuing to help me want him, not just his gifts. for the first time in a while, i feel like i'm coming back to the place where i'm ok with being single.

this weekend i found myself going to the symphony with seth, my friend marie, and her friend kelly. it was a last minute thing, and we bought the cheapest tickets we could, but still; the symphony! it was a fantastic performance; a full men's and women's choir, a children's choir, and several soloists. afterward we met friends out for a drink and some food.

today, several of us met for breakfast and then went to church. my friend james picked me up on his motorcycle, which was awesome. i readily admit that i am one of those girls who loves a guy with a cool car or motorcycle or whatever. after church, james and i went on a long ride, just out. i had no idea where we were a lot of the time, and i know my city pretty well. we drove west a ways, and then wound our way back into town. it was the perfect day; sunny and warm with that bit of fall in the air, and the sky was just so blue. i was so content. there's no other way to describe it. it was this small slice of heaven; today, there was no where else i would have rather been that speeding on the back of that bike.

somewhere between the symphony last night and clinging to james as we sped across the backroads today, i started to tell god how grateful i am for all of these things. sure, a boyfriend would be great, but right now i have seth and his little convertible and james and his motorcycle and my other friend dave and his motorcycle, not to mention all of my girlfriends and what fun i have with them.

sure, sometimes all those things seem to pale in comparison to coming home and curling up with someone. but right now, this is what i have. right now, i am choosing to be grateful for what god is giving me. and it is so much easier and more fun to be grateful for the fun things than to cry and worry about what i am missing.