Monday, March 24, 2008

but what i really really want is...

all the 'good' stuff i've been doing has been overwhelming me lately. don't get me wrong; i'm involved in awesome stuff. but when the awesome stuff is piling up higher than i can see, it doesn't feel so awesome any more. it feels like chains stretching and pulling me in every direction.

so i've been feeling stressed out, over-committed and lonely lately. i feel like i've been giving so much of myself away and yet not feeling any better about anything. luckily i've been steeped in truth enough to know that you can't keep pouring water out of a can with out filling it up. i need a fill up. i'm just not sure where to get it. but that's another post for maybe another time.

in the midst of all the down feelings, i threw myself a little singleness pity party. it left me thinking hard about a kind of dilemma....

the dilemma is as follows; i can't think of anything i want more than to be married. i can't think of any job i want or any place i want to go or any thing i'd like to have instead of marriage. ok, fine. right now, getting to marriage seems to be completely out of my control. i also have what i'll call a feeling, or maybe an impression, that i'm not supposed to be chasing marriage right now. i'm not supposed to be biding my time putting my profile on singles sites and combing the lists of eligible bachelors. i'm supposed to be living my life and loving god and others. (just go with me on that last one for a minute.)

so the big problem is that everything else i do feels like something to pass the time; every volunteer project i take on, every dream i have about buying that building down the street or buying a house or just spending another year in my large dirt cheap apartment. it all just feels like second place. like, ok, since i can't have what i really want, what else can i do that will make me kind of happy for a while and keep me from focusing too much on being single?

the only solution i can come up with is that i need to pray to ask god to make me want him and want what he has for me more than what i want right now (marriage). can i just tell you how much i really don't like that? i want what i want, god! give it to me!!!!

it's kind of overwhelming. the whole 'what do i do with my life' question. i mean, yea, sure, i'm doing the little small things.... being more generous with my time and money, etc, etc. but i need a vision. i need to be moving toward something. i need to feel like i have a tangible end goal.

ok. i'm rambling. and whining.

14 comments:

Anonymous said...

sorry to hear you're going through a bumpy time, SC!

can't help you with the malaise on the relationship front, but i wonder if being slightly overcommitted might be contributing to the blah feelings?

so, on a practical note, what about:

-cut down the volunteer/other commitments to 1, maybe 2, regular activities. the stuff you're involved in seems to have heavy time, preparation and effort requirements.

-for the time being, cut down the people you interact with to those who GIVE more than they TAKE. those who you can just have a good time with and who understand the difference between a friend and a therapist.

good luck, SC.

LadyElaine said...

I feel ya. But know that you are not alone, and this too will pass.

single/certain said...

thanks for the encouragement, guys.
some of the stuff i'm involved in will pass soon... i just have to hold on and cut back where i can for a few more weeks.

and i've noticed that even just writing about how i'm feeling has helped. plus i connected with my roommate little last night, and one of my small group girls gave me super rockin' tshirt. i am loved!

Steve Ballmer said...

good thinkikg

single/certain said...

um... thanks, 'steve.' ;)

Amir Larijani said...

S/C: Nothing wrong with letting your requests be known to God. Some call it whining; I call it fervently presenting supplications. ;)

exchurchmouse said...

Would you like some cheese with that whine? Just kidding. lol. I am the queen of cheeze (with a z)

I agree with anonymous's comment about people who take more than they put into a relationship.

I posted a couple of entries about relationships and singleness - so check out my blog if you have time.

Have a good week!

D said...

It felt sooo good to have a guy who was interested in me, even though it didn't work out and that felt pretty awful. I'm also trying to find a way to be OK with it all. It's hard.

single/certain said...

d, it is really freaking hard. just remember that you're an awesome girl, and that you deserve no less than awesome. bass has demonstrated through his behavior that he is a lot less than awesome.

let yourself be sad for awhile, and then say, ok, self, no more sad. more cool dudes will come along!

Amir Larijani said...

S/C, SavvyD: bass has one too many letters in his name. I think they originally left the B off his name in his birth certificate.

Now we know why. ;)

Blue Sky, Autumn Leaves said...

SC,

You sound just like me =p

I've been trying to get a different perspective on it though...I've started a bible study on Job to see if that helps me any. Don't know if it will work out yet.

Like the others have said...just keep pluggin away, keep praying, and keep hoping, knowing your not alone =/

Dave said...

My problem is that I don't trust God enough to give me what I want. As the old saying goes..."If you want it done right, do it yourself"
In the past, I've ignored what God wanted for me and decided my own path was better. Fortunately, we are not lost causes in God's eyes. He knows my desires and wants what's best for me. Often I pray for something and He doesn't give it to me, but instead gives me something better which I had never thought of.

Anonymous said...

Sometimes I think we fall into the trap of thinking that if we do X,Y, and Z then the magic god genie will be released and he will give us what we want. On the down side, I've learned it doesn't work that way and it gets old trying to find the magic formula. On the up side, if God asks you to do X,Y, or Z and you are obedient I think that you get something out if it--it's just not always the thing that you really want.

Triton said...

the dilemma is as follows; i can't think of anything i want more than to be married. i can't think of any job i want or any place i want to go or any thing i'd like to have instead of marriage. ok, fine. right now, getting to marriage seems to be completely out of my control. i also have what i'll call a feeling, or maybe an impression, that i'm not supposed to be chasing marriage right now. i'm not supposed to be biding my time putting my profile on singles sites and combing the lists of eligible bachelors. i'm supposed to be living my life and loving god and others.

Howdy, single/certain. If you really want to be married, then by all means pursue marriage. There's nothing wrong with that, and anyone who says otherwise is leading you astray.

You will have to be a bit proactive, though; men are increasingly avoiding marriage, so women who want to be married will have to do at least some of the pursuing. This isn't your fault, but it's the reality you're stuck with.

Anyway, I wish you the best of luck and hope you find the spouse you're looking for.