what's your dream?

so our company had an offsite recently. that's where all 200 of us go somewhere cool, play bonding games, and brainstorm ideas to make our company better. it sounds cheesy, but it's actually pretty cool. they're usually fun and light-hearted, and they always end with an open bar (take from that what you will. for the record, i had one drink and then left).

during one session, we took turns sharing a couple of random things about ourselves with each other in groups of 6 or 8. one of the questions we took turns answering was 'name a dream you have.' as people went around the table sharing various things, i sat there trying to think of something appropriate to say.

i work in advertising. i'm surrounded by intense, driven professionals who dream of traveling the world, opening their own small businesses, landing big-name accounts, and changing the world. people shared some typical things, and a few non-typical things. when my turn came, i made up some lame answer about traveling the world doing humanitarian type work. um.... right. i mean, yeah, it would be cool to do that, but, i have to say it's not exactly something i lay awake at night thinking about.

but i couldn't bring myself to say what i really wanted to say. i really wanted to say that my dream is to be married. to be a wife. kids, yeah, sure. but first, marriage. but i didn't say that. i thought it would sound cheesey and get me a lot of strange looks. and i didn't think anyone else would say anything even close. imagine my surprise when a guy in my group, an account executive, says, my dream is to have a family. i want to get married and have a couple of kids. i love kids, and i really want some of my own some day.

i was shocked. in a good way, of course. and disappointed with myself. why couldn't i share with my coworkers my dream of being married? i mean, if this guy could do it, why coudn't i?

i've never been a person to care too much about what people think of my hopes and dreams. but i guess the fact that i couldn't own up to my real dream of being married clues me in that i'm not as real and transparent as i maybe like to think i am. i'll have to think about that some.

since i died to dating...

so what's been different?

outwardly, not much. at least i don't think so. but inwardly, things are starting to change. it's weird; i don't know that i would call dating or my desire for marriage an idol, per se. i mean, maybe i should, but it doesn't seem to really fit that category.

basically, i stopped trying. i know that sounds bad, but it feels good; as if that's what god has wanted me to do for a while; give control to him. especially mental control. and i have to admit, it's been really freeing.

i feel like this sounds weird, so here's an example. a week or so after i decided to let go of this stuff, i was doing some planning and thinking about my upcoming church/humanitarian trip to new orleans. randomly, i thought, hmm... i should talk to my coworker dan and find out if his good-looking single friend christopher is thinking about going on the trip. i should try and encourage him to go. but as soon as that thought entered my head, i was like, wait, what? NO! not my job! not what i need to be worrying about. and it felt really good to recognize that, and tell that thought to take off! (eh!)

that seems to be the root of it. turning off my radar, turning off the voice that tells me to always be on the lookout and always try to make the most of any/every interaction. i don't want to be 'on' all the time. i just want to be myself. i want to be more worried about other things; helping people, serving, loving. not when and where and how i'll meet some great guy. it'll happen. i am friendly and outgoing and confident and attractive.

and i think good things are coming out of this. like my pastor said; dying to the things we want enables us to love better. that's ultimately what i want; to love better. to love anyone and everyone better. more. with the love of christ; the self-sacrificing, self-denying love of christ.

the other reason i haven't had much to say

back in april, there was a sermon at church that basically was about dying to self. our pastor, brian, started out by lugging a big treasure chest up on stage and talking about how we all have treasure we lug around with us, and how our treasure keeps us from loving others.

he pulled various items out of the treasure chest and described how they were things that he had had to die to. for example, one thing was a log cabin. he said he'd always wanted a little cabin off in the woods somewhere, to go do 'man things in the woods.' (ha.) but, instead of saving money for a down payment and a mortgage on a cabin for him, he and his family were putting their money toward other things, like charitable giving and supporting people and organizations doing kingdom work. he still wanted the cabin, but had died to it in order to do other things. in order to love other people.

he went through a bunch of things, and at the end of each description, he'd toss each thing (toy log cabin, for example) into a big pine coffin on the stage. of course at the end of the service, there was time to pray and ask god what it was that we needed to put in the coffin.

it wasn't a big voice, or an intense feeling, or anything like that. but i knew. i knew i had to put my desire for a husband into the coffin. i knew i had to give up complete control and put it in there and die to it and close the lid and not look back. and so i did.

i died to my intense longing to find a husband. i put it in a coffin and told god he could have all of it. and i walked out of church feeling pretty good. it wasn't any kind of big deal; no tears or intensity or anything, like i said.... it was just this feeling like, yup, ok. i'm tired of this, you can have it.

so what's different about me now? and why'd i have to put a perfectly normal and healthy desire to death? sit tight. i'll get to that. just not right now.

where have i been? nowhere, really.

so it's been like 3 months since i last posted. um, yeah. so i just felt like i had nothing to say for a while there. i kind of wanted to take a break from all of this singleness talk for a while. i've kept up with other people's blogs, and have been reading the boundless line and commenting there. i just didn't have anything to say that i really thought was meaningful.

so what's happened in my life? not much. i mean, i didn't stop posting because i started dating some guy or anything else cool or dramatic like that. here are some of the more (or less, depending on who you are, i guess) interesting updates:
• still haven't seen or heard anything from seth. don't think i will. it's sad, and i miss him sometimes, but i know it's all good, and it's probably better that we don't run into each other. or maybe it's just easier.
• remember vball dude? and that trip i'm helping plan? the planning committee for the trip meets like every other week. i see him about that often, and am in email contact with him pretty regularly. and i have to say i've pretty much lost all interest in him. more on that later
• my roommate is going to switzerland for two months this summer. she leaves in 2 weeks. that'll be interesting
• my ex-boyfriend got married a month or two ago. (hi ex-boyfriend, if you're reading, and new wife of ex-boyfriend; congratulations! ) i'm not weirded out or pining away or anything... it was just a little odd. i think i always thought i'd get married before him. i don't know why i thought that, but i did. pride, maybe. perhaps more on that later, too.

that's all i can think of right now. hopefully i'll get back into the swing of writing things. i feel like i've learned a lot and grown a lot in the last few months. ps thanks to all those (single xtian man et. al) who noticed me not writing and encouraged me to come back or asked what was up. :)