Sunday, January 13, 2008

happy new year—again!

yup. you heard me right. my 2008 didn't quite get off to the start i wanted. after figuring some stuff out (the hard way) and making some decisions, i've decided i'm hitting the reset button again.

the reason i'm hitting the reset button is the same reason i haven't posted in a while. the week after new year's, i was thinking that my life had been relatively drama-free for while. there were breakups and craziness going on all around me, but i was doing really well. so well that i was starting to worry i wouldn't have anything to write about on here. (ha!)

then, it happened. my selfishness reared it's ugly head, drama followed. and guess who i hurt, again? yup. seth.

it takes two, i know. but i also know that i'm older, have more relational experience than him, and my heart wasn't involved the way his was. i should have been helping him guard his heart, but i wasn't.

seth became single again shortly before new year's (the girl he'd gone a few dates with said she wasn't feeling it, and he admitted he wasn't either). we fell back into our usual pattern of texting, talking on the phone and hanging out. one night we went out with a bunch of our friends, drank more than we should have (remember that bit about not conforming to the patterns of this world? yeah, this is why), and, well.... we ended up making out on my couch. and i ended up breaking his heart. again. we talked after it happened, and i thought we both understood that it was a mistake. but just like last time, i got a phone call a few days later... turns out we weren't on the same page.

apparently neither one of us learned our lessons the first time. as a friend of mine said, seth needed to learn to stop throwing himself in front of the bus. and i needed to learn to stop driving it by his house all the time.

now seth and i aren't talking. after the second 'breakup' we decided that this time it'd be best if we took a break. neither one of us had been doing a very good job of guarding his heart when we were together. i told him i didn't want to hear from him for at least a month or two. (last time he called me the next week, saying he was 'ok.')

the making out part was bad enough. i felt pretty guilty about that. but breaking my friend's heart again because i was selfish and careless? that hit me like a ton of bricks.

it's amazing what crap can happen when i choose things that are outside of god's plans. when i think i can do things my way, and it won't matter. i'm convinced now more than i ever was before that i really want to yield to god in this area of my life, 110%. i think i was yielding the relational area of my life to Him maybe 85%. the 15% i was hanging onto has really wrecked some things in my life (eg my friendship with seth). it turns out that yes, getting needs met in unhealthy ways really is pretty bad and there really are consequences.

so, happy new year, again. for real this time.


MAX said...

This wouldn't happen to be last Friday night, would it? I was watching you two's body language...and I wondered...

Anyway, I totally meant to call you this weekend, but I got wrapped up in other stuff. MY BAD! I really want to catch up with you. How's this weekend look for you?

In the mean time, chin up. God's the God of second chances.

sarah cool said...

.......... yeah, i get the 85%/15% divide...

"seth needed to learn to stop throwing himself in front of the bus. and i needed to learn to stop driving it by his house all the time."

I loved this quote.

"God's the God of second chances."
Thank God for that!

Anonymous said...

You might want to watch the alcohol in situations where you might make bad decisions. Lowered inhibitions and all. Unless your friends stay sober and really will step in to save you from yourself.

single/certain said...

yeah, anon... i am def going to be better with the alcohol from here on out. i was never a big drinker, and this situation reminded me why. i'm going back to my old ways of not being stupid about drinking. things were much smoother then.

Amir Larijani said...

What's that old Indian proverb? Good judgment comes from bad experience, most of which comes from bad judgment.

Seth needs to learn to stop throwing himself in front of the bus. You ought to take care of that for him. ;)

Amir Larijani said...

S/C: I earned my gray hairs (even though you wouldn't be able to see them because [a] I'm way shorter than you and [b] I have a buzz cut) by doing some of the same things you did.

As a crusty, cantankerous old phogey--I'm 41 on Monday--I have the following recommendations:

(1) Don't blame yourself for Seth's failure. Take responsibility only for your own blunder. He needs to grow up and be the man.

(2) Set boundaries and stick to them. You might look weird doing it, but you won't have the guilt later.

I'm not a teetotaler either, but I stick only to a set number of drinks (never more than two beers).

And if she's in my house (or I'm in her house), I keep my distance from her.

If she's on the couch, I'm sitting on a chair. If she's on a chair, I'm on the couch. I also ensure that I am never in the same bedroom with her.

I'll give her a hug when I greet her, and when she leaves (or I leave). If she and I are on friendly-enough terms, I'll kiss her too. But I keep it formal.

Call me nuts, I'd rather apologize for my quirkiness than for worse. I've had to do the latter, and I'd rather not have to again.

It's been about 20 years since I've done that, but if I had a choice between that and getting blowtorched, I'd say light up the blowtorch...

I'm a red-blooded American male, but I'm a grownup, too.

Been there. Done that. Got the flight jacket.

You sound like a grownup who accepts your responsibility--and that is VERY commendable--but don't be a martyr either.

Seth needs to grow up, too. If I were his therapist, he would need surgery to re-attach his ass, after I handed it to him on a plate.

Atypical Christian Woman said...

I found your blog through Many Luxury Vacations. I want to preface by saying that I hope I can be an encouragement.

I think that it is dangerous to be involved in a relationship that is hanging in limbo. It is very tempting to allow an illusion of hope to cloud our judgment.

'Til we meet again .....

single/certain said...

welcome ACW!!! thanks for reading and for commenting! encouragement is always welcome :-)