die another day

so dying to things i love is hard. the good kind of hard, yeah, but hard.

there are a couple of guys part of me really wants to pursue. it's little stupid stuff, but as soon as i do it, i feel a little kick of remorse. oops, i shouldn't have done that, i think. i texted vball dude the other day. it's not a huge deal, because at this point we're kind of friends, but still... i feel some weirdness there, maybe because i'm not sure how i feel about him. i don't think i like him, but is it because i'm pretty sure he doesn't like me, or is it because i don't really like him, i just want him to like me? or is it because i might like him, but i don't want to get any closer because i'm not getting a return vibe and i don't want to deal with rejection?

who knows. but honestly, it doesn't matter! i gave up manipulating, plotting, freaking out, over-analyzing; basically trying to get myself a date. and so again, i tell myself and i tell god, not my job. i told god he could have all of this, and i meant it.

so i continue to go to him in prayer over these things. i confess when i feel like i'm starting to take the reins again, and i lay control issues back down in front of him, and it's good.