sex god

i’m reading sex god, by rob bell, and so far it’s a fantastic book. i feel very blessed and lucky because lately the books i’ve been reading are really speaking to me. it started with the book of hebrews, then this beautiful mess, by rick mckinley, which i’m almost finished with, and now sex god.

i’m about 80 pages into the book, and i’m having a hard time putting it down. when i pick it up in the evenings i find myself rereading what i read the night before then continuing on to new chapters. i want to make sure it all sinks in.

one thing i’ve been turning over in my mind is bell’s take on how we need to focus our energies. if we don’t, he says, they’ll come out in all kinds of not good places. either we focus them on good things, things that work toward order and goodness and godliness, or we’ll spend our energies on things that take us back toward void and chaos and sadness and all of those other things. rick mckinley might say that we need to be living for the kingdom; making choices that bring it to life and focusing our energies on revealing it to others.

so now i’m thinking a lot about what that means in light of my being single. as a single woman, what will i focus myself on? where will my passion go? how can i reveal the kingdom? what i can do right now that i couldn't if i were married?

in the past few years my passions have come out in all kinds of wrong ways. but just like the bible (and rob bell) is saying, those ways never lead to happiness. drinking too much, relationships with little to no physical boundaries, too many hours at a job that isn’t really me. i knew that most of those things were just ways to kill time, but i didn't think about how much harm i was doing to myself and my relationship with god. duh! no wonder i haven’t been as i happy as i know i could be. but i guess i had to live it a little while to really be sure i wasn’t missing out on anything. nope, i wasn’t.

so now what? i’m not 100% sure. i have a few ideas, and i’m praying one or two of them will come to life, and seeking out ways to pursue them.

but i am sure that my singleness has a role to play. i don’t know what it is. but i’m a little excited, i have to admit, for the first time in a while.

god, help me focus. i just feel like i’m on the edge of something, and i so want to see what it is! and i want others around me to see what i see and get beyond lust and these stupid false things that we always think will fill us. open our eyes, god.