grateful and content

through a myriad of ways, god's been working on my heart this week, and continuing to help me want him, not just his gifts. for the first time in a while, i feel like i'm coming back to the place where i'm ok with being single.

this weekend i found myself going to the symphony with seth, my friend marie, and her friend kelly. it was a last minute thing, and we bought the cheapest tickets we could, but still; the symphony! it was a fantastic performance; a full men's and women's choir, a children's choir, and several soloists. afterward we met friends out for a drink and some food.

today, several of us met for breakfast and then went to church. my friend james picked me up on his motorcycle, which was awesome. i readily admit that i am one of those girls who loves a guy with a cool car or motorcycle or whatever. after church, james and i went on a long ride, just out. i had no idea where we were a lot of the time, and i know my city pretty well. we drove west a ways, and then wound our way back into town. it was the perfect day; sunny and warm with that bit of fall in the air, and the sky was just so blue. i was so content. there's no other way to describe it. it was this small slice of heaven; today, there was no where else i would have rather been that speeding on the back of that bike.

somewhere between the symphony last night and clinging to james as we sped across the backroads today, i started to tell god how grateful i am for all of these things. sure, a boyfriend would be great, but right now i have seth and his little convertible and james and his motorcycle and my other friend dave and his motorcycle, not to mention all of my girlfriends and what fun i have with them.

sure, sometimes all those things seem to pale in comparison to coming home and curling up with someone. but right now, this is what i have. right now, i am choosing to be grateful for what god is giving me. and it is so much easier and more fun to be grateful for the fun things than to cry and worry about what i am missing.

and sometimes joy leads to revelation

i've been thinking a lot about the 'gift of singleness' and the 'marriage mandate' arguments lately. (as you might be able to tell from my posts). the bottom line for me has become that it's not about the gift, it's about the giver.

i have wanted the gift of marriage for soooo long. actually, i've been wanting a lot of different gifts for a long time. i just feel like i'm in the same place, with the same stuff. i have cried and begged and pleaded, as recently as saturday night even, for an end to singleness, a change in my job, something, anything. just a freaking gift!

but god has had something else in mind. he's been trying to give me more of him. for a long time, i didn't think i really wanted more of him. i'm fine how i am, god. just give me a husband! i don't need stronger character or a more intimate relationship with you. i don't really want to pursue you intensely or be obedient. i'll give you half-ass. and in return, i want quality! and maybe i'll think about growing and loving you more later.

it took me a long time to realize that the gifts without the giver are worthless and sickening. my attempts to fill my loneliness on my own terms just made me feel worse. nothing satisfies like god.

and i'm getting it now. i am so excited because i'm wanting god more than i have in a long time. i'm wanting on of those amazing, dynamic relationships with him that i've heard about. and i'm ready to put him first. words like obedience and sacrifice are coming more readily into my mind than they ever have before. i think that's how i can tell that things are changing. maybe i won't be married for a while yet; instead i'll be getting to know my god more and more intimately. wow!

i know the gifts will follow the giver. i don't see them yet, but that's ok; that's what faith is. i still trust.

so what do you want more? what are you focusing on more? i can tell you that focusing on the gifts doesn't bring much happiness. maybe it isn't about the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness or even how to get a date worth keeping (though that is definitely an important skill set to have!). maybe it's about pursuing the giver no matter what he has or hasn't given you, and trusting that the best is yet to come.