and sometimes joy leads to revelation

i've been thinking a lot about the 'gift of singleness' and the 'marriage mandate' arguments lately. (as you might be able to tell from my posts). the bottom line for me has become that it's not about the gift, it's about the giver.

i have wanted the gift of marriage for soooo long. actually, i've been wanting a lot of different gifts for a long time. i just feel like i'm in the same place, with the same stuff. i have cried and begged and pleaded, as recently as saturday night even, for an end to singleness, a change in my job, something, anything. just a freaking gift!

but god has had something else in mind. he's been trying to give me more of him. for a long time, i didn't think i really wanted more of him. i'm fine how i am, god. just give me a husband! i don't need stronger character or a more intimate relationship with you. i don't really want to pursue you intensely or be obedient. i'll give you half-ass. and in return, i want quality! and maybe i'll think about growing and loving you more later.

it took me a long time to realize that the gifts without the giver are worthless and sickening. my attempts to fill my loneliness on my own terms just made me feel worse. nothing satisfies like god.

and i'm getting it now. i am so excited because i'm wanting god more than i have in a long time. i'm wanting on of those amazing, dynamic relationships with him that i've heard about. and i'm ready to put him first. words like obedience and sacrifice are coming more readily into my mind than they ever have before. i think that's how i can tell that things are changing. maybe i won't be married for a while yet; instead i'll be getting to know my god more and more intimately. wow!

i know the gifts will follow the giver. i don't see them yet, but that's ok; that's what faith is. i still trust.

so what do you want more? what are you focusing on more? i can tell you that focusing on the gifts doesn't bring much happiness. maybe it isn't about the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness or even how to get a date worth keeping (though that is definitely an important skill set to have!). maybe it's about pursuing the giver no matter what he has or hasn't given you, and trusting that the best is yet to come.

in a dark room with no door

a lot of times i feel like there are big chunks of the christian walk that are in the dark. or at least the details are. that whole 'trust god' thing. it's so frustrating sometimes.

being single for such a long time feels a lot like being in the dark. it's like i'm groping around inside a small, pitch black room looking for a light switch. i feel like i've been over every freaking inch of this room, but i can't find the stupid switch! or maybe the door handle; that might be a better metaphor. on some level, i know and believe that god will open the door when the time is right, but...

BUT. but sometimes it's so hard to trust! and what do i do in the meantime? like i said, i feel like i have been over every last inch of this room, and everything seems fine (except that i can't find the handle or the light switch!). sure it's dark, but from what i can feel, everything's kosher, ready for guests (or, a guest. of the male persuasion). i've racked my brain wondering what's wrong, what do i need to fix or change or learn to get the lights on and the door open? maybe nothing. maybe god just wants me to stop feeling around the room and freaking out and over-analyzing and just hang out with him for awhile. maybe he wants me to walk away from my questions and toward him.

i've spent a lot of time on questions and i've gone through some really bitter and frustrating times in the last 6 to 12 months. i focused on myself and on 'why me, lord?! what did i do to deserve this?! why am i still single?' i lost sight of god and his love for me, and i was miserable!

eventually i got sick of being bitter and cynical and miserable, and things started to change. maybe i'll post more on that process another time, but the shift started to happen when i admitted to god that i needed to trust him more. i admitted to him that, yeah, he knows better, and yeah he loves me very much, so why i am walking around thinking that i'm left out or forgotten or god wants to punish me?

once i shifted my focus back to him, the transforming of my heart started. i'm reading my bible more and spending more time with god. and i know it sounds so cliche, but the words are coming alive and i am wanting them imprinted on my heart. and i think this is exactly what my god wanted; me walking away from my question and toward him.

you're in the dark room with me, god. you have been all along. you called to me quietly while i tried every single thing and read every single book in my attempts to get out. you waited, sitting in the middle of the floor until i was so frustrated i gave up and came over and sat down next to you. and finally, i think i'm seeing that this is what i really want; to sit next to you in the dark with no other distractions. to just hang out and reconnect with you. to remember how much you love me and how fulfilling you are. and then, if the door opens and someone else comes in, great. if not, that's ok too. i trust you.

single/certain: me

i'm a christ follower in my late twenties. i'm female, taller than average, i like design, art, music videos, sparkling wines, and great jeans, among other things. i'm also single, and i have been for most of my adult life. when i say single, i mean, like, not in any kind of romantic relationship. i've had 2 relationships in my adult life; neither lasted more than about 3 or 4 months.

in spite of my singleness (well, probably because of my singleness) i've been a student of relationships since college. i've become the friend my other friends come to for advice, i'm the one recommending the latest relationship or christian psychology book, i'm the one suggesting that my married friends learn to fight fairly.

so that's a little bit of me.... but, why this blog? i've been yearning for a place for single people for a long time. a place where no one will tell us that we need to get married, or ask if we're seeing anyone. where our married friends won't try and set us up with anyone and everyone. where our friends won't secretly (or not so secretly) wonder what's wrong with us that we haven't found someone yet.

if you're single, i want you to know that you are ok just the way you are. that god loves you and has a plan for your life. you weren't forgotten, left out, or cosmically screwed over. there is a plan! maybe it involves meeting someone special soon, maybe not. maybe he wants to teach you things or prune things or give you something else special first. i don't know. but i do know that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are not alone.

i'm not here to tell you exactly how to not be single anymore, or give you the formula for how to meet 'the one.' but i will share with you about my dating experiences, books i've read, my hopes and fears, and maybe even some of the really embarrassing stories about guys i've gone on dates with. (we'll see about that last one...)

i hope that by sharing my struggles and the things that god has been teaching me, it will help someone. i feel like i've learned a lot and learn more and more all the time. comment, ask questions, read away. shoot me emails, too, if you like. and know that i'm praying for you.