Tuesday, February 05, 2008

life on pause?

atypical christian woman posted a great comment on my entry beginning to end the prolonged singleness blame game. in it she wondered if i had asked myself, What about being single is keeping me from living the life I want?

i've thought about that question before, and i've always been satisfied with my answer; being single isn't keeping me from anything i want except marriage. but for some reason i stopped and thought about the question, and my answer, a little more when i read atc's comment.

being single has always felt sort of transient to me. like things could change or shift at any moment. that's not my reality, it's more of a mindset. the truth is i've worked at the same place for four years and lived in my current apartment for three. it's been a pretty stable life. but still... i feel unanchored. maybe part of that's because i feel like i have to get new friends every so often?

the other part is definitely this thing in my head that says this is all just temporary; going out with random groups of friends, living in this apartment where i can only do so much (no painting, not too much stuff on the walls, etc)... like i shouldn't latch on too much because the people will change and this isn't what it's really all about, anyway. and heck, my last two roommates moved out to get married. i just assumed i'd be next, or soon, or not too far down the line. but i guess the truth is this is what it's about. this is my life. it hasn't changed and it probably won't unless i change it. if i want to feel more anchored and less transient, then i need to buy a house and pursue some of my married friends who've moved out to the suburbs and had kids. i need to go after some of the things i want, i guess.

i've subconsciously thought that soon enough marriage would come along and anchor me. i'd get a house and some nice furniture and i'd finally be allowed to do what i want to where i live. we'd have two incomes so we could travel or get grad degrees or put money into the house or whatever.

so now i have choices to make. what do i want to do? what would make me feel more anchored? or, i guess more importantly, what does god have for me? what risks can i start to take to be more in line with him and feel like i'm living and loving my life right now, not waiting for it get better?

i've started on this path recently with some little steps, and it's been good. but i admit, i'm kind of afraid to commit. like the house thing... if i buy a house, or the building down the street that i really like, then i'm committed. it's just me. sure my dad can help me out and i can have roommates, but it's in my name and it's my responsibility. i would go from the most expensive thing i own being my stereo to having to pay a mortgage and build into a house. woah. not that i can't do it, it's just that doing it by myself doesn't have the same appeal as doing it with a husband. of course, living in this apartment for the next 5 (or who knows how long) years isn't very appealing either. and sure, i know, i could buy a condo or something. but i think i'd rather have a house or an old building.

3 comments:

Ayptical Christian Woman said...

If you buy a condo and you get married, then you could always put the condo up for sale - or rent it out to college students (in my opinion, graduate students are a better option because of the maturity factor)!

But on a serious note, I think what helped me break out of some unhealthy thinking was identifying who and what was bringing me down and I really just got the hell out of there.

Thank you for mentioning me on your blog! I feel so "almost-famous".

I enjoy Amir's blog more than MLV because he is actually very balanced and tempered in the way he posts.

single/certain said...

i totally hear what you're saying as far as breaking out of unhealthy thinking. last night after that post i was journaling some more along those lines... what am i about? what i am committed to? how does my love for god exhibit itself? i decided i needed to be connected to a few more important things, things that won't immediately get swept aside when i meet some great guy.

i enjoy amir's blog more than MLV, too. i've been thinking about removing both MLV and the gift of singleness from my links because they annoy me so much. but we'll see....

you're welcome for the mention! thanks for all of the great comments! you seem really smart and in a great spot with god, and that is cool.

Amir Larijani said...

S/C:

I would not touch a mortgage with a ten foot pole right now. Things are far worse than we are being told, and the evidence is right at the foot of the President, Congress, and the Fed.

Exhibit A: In two weeks, the Fed has cut rates 150% deeper than Greenspan did in the wake of 9/11. This on top of already drastic rates cuts. The market response has been tepid.

Exhibit B: The President, while putting a rosy face on the economy, has fast-tracked a "stimulus" package to Congress.

Exhibit C: The Congress, normally very contentious with the President, is fast-tracking their own stimulus package. They and the President disagree only on scope.

Exhibit D: The financial sector is getting slaughtered. Citigroup and Merrill Lynch wrote down $50 billion in assets last year alone. Merrill's writedowns erased their profits for the last 7 years. And they are the tip of the iceberg.

Exhibit E: The Fed, by driving interest rates lower, is exacerbating inflation. You can see this in the price of gasoline, and the cost of food. Correcting for the dollar decline, oil would otherwise be selling for $30 per barrel where it is selling around $90 right now.

Exhibit F: Last year, the Fed stopped reporting on M3, the most significant portion of the money supply.

I bought a house last year. While I am glad that I got a fixed, prime rate--not an ARM--I am almost kicking myself for not waiting.

As for the husband part, go for it. Just stick to your standards.