life on pause?

atypical christian woman posted a great comment on my entry beginning to end the prolonged singleness blame game. in it she wondered if i had asked myself, What about being single is keeping me from living the life I want?

i've thought about that question before, and i've always been satisfied with my answer; being single isn't keeping me from anything i want except marriage. but for some reason i stopped and thought about the question, and my answer, a little more when i read atc's comment.

being single has always felt sort of transient to me. like things could change or shift at any moment. that's not my reality, it's more of a mindset. the truth is i've worked at the same place for four years and lived in my current apartment for three. it's been a pretty stable life. but still... i feel unanchored. maybe part of that's because i feel like i have to get new friends every so often?

the other part is definitely this thing in my head that says this is all just temporary; going out with random groups of friends, living in this apartment where i can only do so much (no painting, not too much stuff on the walls, etc)... like i shouldn't latch on too much because the people will change and this isn't what it's really all about, anyway. and heck, my last two roommates moved out to get married. i just assumed i'd be next, or soon, or not too far down the line. but i guess the truth is this is what it's about. this is my life. it hasn't changed and it probably won't unless i change it. if i want to feel more anchored and less transient, then i need to buy a house and pursue some of my married friends who've moved out to the suburbs and had kids. i need to go after some of the things i want, i guess.

i've subconsciously thought that soon enough marriage would come along and anchor me. i'd get a house and some nice furniture and i'd finally be allowed to do what i want to where i live. we'd have two incomes so we could travel or get grad degrees or put money into the house or whatever.

so now i have choices to make. what do i want to do? what would make me feel more anchored? or, i guess more importantly, what does god have for me? what risks can i start to take to be more in line with him and feel like i'm living and loving my life right now, not waiting for it get better?

i've started on this path recently with some little steps, and it's been good. but i admit, i'm kind of afraid to commit. like the house thing... if i buy a house, or the building down the street that i really like, then i'm committed. it's just me. sure my dad can help me out and i can have roommates, but it's in my name and it's my responsibility. i would go from the most expensive thing i own being my stereo to having to pay a mortgage and build into a house. woah. not that i can't do it, it's just that doing it by myself doesn't have the same appeal as doing it with a husband. of course, living in this apartment for the next 5 (or who knows how long) years isn't very appealing either. and sure, i know, i could buy a condo or something. but i think i'd rather have a house or an old building.