the prolonged singleness blame game

(warning: RANT! i've been reading several other blogs and sites lately, and there seems to be a common thread: blaming the church and/or the opposite sex for prolonged singleness amongst christians. it's pissing me off. all of this blame and name calling and whining isn't helping anyone. prayer, compassion, and action to change will help, not virtual whining.)

being single for an extended period of time can be really tough. it can cause you to question a lot of things (your sanity, your values, your spirituality, your past, your friends, your future, etc, etc...). plus it often feels like there's a lack of compassion for prolonged singleness in most christian circles. many married people just don't seem to understand how lonely and repetitive it can be. and most non-christians (and even some christians) don't get the whole 'waiting' (or attempting to wait) thing.

but does it really help to blame? does it really help to go on and on about how prolonged singleness is the church's fault because they only minister to women, or how all women only want over-effeminate submissive men, or how christian men only want petite submissive women, or how women will date loser-y non-christian men instead of solid christian guys, or how men should leave the church because it's ruining them?

what happened to love? what happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? what happened to making a difference? what happened to listening to people's stories so you can understand their hurts and see why they sometimes make stupid decisions? should we not be praying for our single brothers and sisters? should we not be seeking out ways to minister to them so that they can grow stronger and become more christ-like, and some day be wonderful husbands and wives?

maybe i'm wrong. maybe i should leave my church in disgust. there aren't enough godly single men there, so obviously it's a terrible place with ungodly motives and selfish people. obviously they aren't trying to reach men, and they have their eyes closed to current state of christianity in our country.

i think we all get it. i think all of us single people who would dearly love to be married sometime soon agree that this world is fallen and messy and mistakes have been made, even by people with good intentions. can we stop whining and blaming and start praying and changing? yes, women are dumb sometimes! we often make bad decisions and date non-christian losers! it's true! we're weak in that area. our dumb decisions usually stem from hurts and wounds and insecurities. and yes, men aren't exactly running to church these days. but what can we DO about it? surely more than rant and rave and blame each other? more than walk away from church and dating altogether?

ok. end rant.

another one who 'got away'

as smart as i'm getting, i still have to laugh at myself. recently i noticed that even though i know better, i'd put another guy into the 'one who got away' slot in my head. it was a guy i had been matched with on eharmony about a year ago. i was thrilled when he initiated communication, and we made it through all of eharmony's lovely steps (questions) to 'open communication' (where you can email each other through the site). we tossed a few emails back and forth, and then... nothing. i waited a month (actaully just over a month) and finally dropped him a short email asking if he was still interested. he replied that he was, he was simply busy finishing his Phd and traveling. he said he'd write again after the holidays.

the holidays came and went, and then i received a short email from him saying that he'd just accepted a new job in a city about 2 hours from where he had been living (and 2 hours closer to me). i wrote him back a nice, normal email, about 2 paragraphs (short paragraphs!). and then, again, ...nothing. finally after 2 months of nothing, i got back on eharmony and closed him out. that same day (within about 3 hours of closing him out!!!) he sent me a response with one of eharmony's canned responses messages: good luck with your search!

so i never found out why he wouldn't write me back. and i had really been interested in him! i don't get all that interested all that often! he sort of stuck in the back of my head. tall, smart (a Phd!), into cool stuff like F1 racing, bilingual (romanian! cool!), and appearing to love god from his profile, i thought this dude had serious potential. plus he reminded me a bit of someone else i used to care a lot about (someone i may or may not have mentioned in the most recent post....). i have kind of a big need for closure, and since i didn't really get any from this guy (no real reason as to why he lost interest, not even an admittance to losing interest), i sort of let him stay in my head.

this all happened about a year ago. recently i'd been thinking about him some more. i was thinking about him enough that i logged back into eharmony and took another look at his profile. after reading through it again, i laughed at myself, closed the browser window, and i really haven't thought of him much at all since then.

so what happened? well, i was honest with myself. when i was first matched with him, i think i let myself get carried away by a few of his qualities. there were some things that i just didn't see, or didn't want to see, or didn't want to think made a big difference. but now, for whatever reason, i'm like.....woah, wait, you only drink 2-3 times a year? umm.... i drink more than that, (not in an unhealthy way) and i'm looking for someone who wants to share a bottle of wine or sip some cognac or something occasionally. and he was 'unsure' about whether or not he wanted kids. hmm. i'm very sure i want kids. and i want to end up with someone who's very sure he wants kids. there were other things, too, that clued me in that this guy was not really what i was looking for.

all that to say, i guess, that it really pays to know what you want. obviously a down-to-the-
last-minute-detail list is a bit much, but at least know yourself and what parts of you life and personality and habits and values are negotiable and what parts aren't.

need help thinking about these things? i know i did. check out boundaries in dating by dr. henry cloud. read that? how to get a date worth keeping, also by dr. cloud, talks a lot about how casually dating can help you figure out what you are and aren't looking for. i read and loved both.