every singleton's favorite holiday

what's a blog about singleness, dating, and relationships without a post about every single person's favorite holiday!? here's mine...

i think i have a unique perspective on this special day. i have been single for every valentines day in my entire life, except one. kinda strange. for the last 3 years, i've done something to mark the day. last year i threw a gigantic singles party at my apartment. i invited every single person i knew and told them to invite their friends. and they did. there were so many people in my apartment, it was ridiculous. i mean we're talking like 100 people. i had meet 'n' greet games, an awesome party soundtrack, champagne punch, and heart shaped name tags. to this day i am still known as 'that girl that threw that giant awesome valentines party.' a few lucky people even got dates (not me; i was too busy playing hostess).

the year before last was the one year of my life i was in a relationship at valentines day. as i recall, i went over to the bf's house and we hung out. he made dinner, i think. i might have helped or something. he wasn't working at the time. it was a nice evening. i think things were still ok in our relationship at that point. the whole thing went downhill not long after that. i'm not bitter, i'm just telling it how it is.

three years ago, my first roommate and i threw a giant 'black hearts' valentines day party. like the singles party i threw last year, this one was huge. people my roommate and i didn't even know showed up. the next day at church, two ridiculously hot guys came up to us and said sc! lisa! that was an awesome party last night! great job! we looked at each other, and i know we were both thinking the same thing... yes! we are awesome.

this year, i really don't have any plans yet. bev and i have tossed around a few ideas, but nothing concrete yet. i have to say; i am totally cool with whatever happens or doesn't happen. it'd be nice if we had some fun young professionals thing to go to, or had planned a ladies' night in at someone's house. but we didn't. we may end up at some hip bar, drinking pink martinis or a nice cab sauv. who knows. whatev. i don't feel the need to rebelliously flaunt my single status in the face of 'singles awareness day,' as my friend dave likes to call it. i used to, but not anymore.

so, happy valentines day/singles awareness day. i hope your comfortable enough with who and where you are in life to enjoy the day or at least have some fun with it. do you have any cool plans? if so, share 'em below.....

the prolonged singleness blame game

(warning: RANT! i've been reading several other blogs and sites lately, and there seems to be a common thread: blaming the church and/or the opposite sex for prolonged singleness amongst christians. it's pissing me off. all of this blame and name calling and whining isn't helping anyone. prayer, compassion, and action to change will help, not virtual whining.)

being single for an extended period of time can be really tough. it can cause you to question a lot of things (your sanity, your values, your spirituality, your past, your friends, your future, etc, etc...). plus it often feels like there's a lack of compassion for prolonged singleness in most christian circles. many married people just don't seem to understand how lonely and repetitive it can be. and most non-christians (and even some christians) don't get the whole 'waiting' (or attempting to wait) thing.

but does it really help to blame? does it really help to go on and on about how prolonged singleness is the church's fault because they only minister to women, or how all women only want over-effeminate submissive men, or how christian men only want petite submissive women, or how women will date loser-y non-christian men instead of solid christian guys, or how men should leave the church because it's ruining them?

what happened to love? what happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? what happened to making a difference? what happened to listening to people's stories so you can understand their hurts and see why they sometimes make stupid decisions? should we not be praying for our single brothers and sisters? should we not be seeking out ways to minister to them so that they can grow stronger and become more christ-like, and some day be wonderful husbands and wives?

maybe i'm wrong. maybe i should leave my church in disgust. there aren't enough godly single men there, so obviously it's a terrible place with ungodly motives and selfish people. obviously they aren't trying to reach men, and they have their eyes closed to current state of christianity in our country.

i think we all get it. i think all of us single people who would dearly love to be married sometime soon agree that this world is fallen and messy and mistakes have been made, even by people with good intentions. can we stop whining and blaming and start praying and changing? yes, women are dumb sometimes! we often make bad decisions and date non-christian losers! it's true! we're weak in that area. our dumb decisions usually stem from hurts and wounds and insecurities. and yes, men aren't exactly running to church these days. but what can we DO about it? surely more than rant and rave and blame each other? more than walk away from church and dating altogether?

ok. end rant.

just a quick holiday check-in...

greetings from the northlands. posts have been few and far between lately what with prepping for the holidays and spending time with the fam. currently i'm in the great northlands (i'd say white, but it's more gray, because it's been raining, not snowing, since we got here) with my dad; we're visiting my brother and sister-in-law (can i just tell you how much i love saying that!?).

in years past i've tended to get a bit sad and mopey at the holidays. my brother and dad have generally had a significant other, while i pretty much never do (except one christmas two years ago). this year my brother is married. my dad is dating someone, but she didn't make the trip with us. this year i'm doing fine. no loneliness, no sadness, no pity parties (so far. that could change, as i still have a couples' baby shower and a new year's eve party to attend).

i feel good. i feel mature. i feel thankful. christmas has been a lot of fun, and i still have new year's eve to look forward to.

i hope the season's going well for anyone reading this. if not, i guess just try and be thankful. or go have a good cry and a glass of (spiked) eggnog first, then be thankful.

status check

aside from feeling a tiny little bit disappointed still, i really am fine. and it feels really good to feel fine. finally, after years and years, i've started to internalize god's truth about myself. if i could show you a movie of my life, with a voice over track of the thoughts in my head, you'd understand why this is such a big deal to me.

it's like i'm looking up at god, saying, oh my gosh i get it now! you're really right! i wish i could've gotten here sooner!

i still wonder a little why vb dude doesn't like me, and why i am 28 and still single, and why i have to endure this version of life while so many of friends get to walk on the more traveled path. but the questions don't sting so much this time around. there may be times in the future where they sting again, but i am so glad that right now they aren't. thanks for that, god.

oh and a random update.... i never followed up on things with seth... and i really want to because things with seth are great! we didn't talk for about a week, and then he emailed me and said he wanted to talk. we met up, he said he realized things were the way they were supposed to be, and that he wanted to be friends. so we're friends! almost immediately after we started hanging out again, he got set up on a date with a coworker's friend. this friday, he and this nice girl are going on date number 3! our friendship is great and he's dating someone else... pretty awesome, huh!? now if i could just meet someone worth going on 3 dates with...

some random, rambling thoughts

lately my thoughts have been occupied more with random life stuff and less with questions of singleness, etc. i mean, thoughts about my status are always present, it's just that sometimes they're eclipsed by all the other things i do and think about and take part in.

so here are just some random thoughts that have popped into my head lately. take them as you will. each paragraph is full of ramblings on a different thought. they're all singleness related, just not as well thought out as usual.

i wish i could discover something i'm sold out about, 100%. i feel like i'm so wishy-washy; i go through phases. this summer and fall it's been volleyball and being outside. sometimes work takes over. but it seems to be that i ride waves for a while, then sort of float off of them and onto something else. i can't help but wonder, if i was really really into something, would that make it easier to meet someone? some great guy who's just as into what i'm into? i mean sure, there's god and faith, and that's huge, but i mean something more... i dunno what the right word is. more thing-like, i guess. and anyway, i generally feel like i've met all the dateable guys at my church at this point. it's like college; i got to a certain point and realized that unless some random transfer student showed up, i wasn't going to meet 'the one' while getting my degree. why do i feel that way now, when there's no end point? i'm not going to meet 'the one' until.... until what?

i think i'm going to start asking some of my guy friends what they're waiting for. i have several guy friends who are in their 30s and 40s and i don't really see them moving toward relationships with any of the girls we know. and believe me; there are some quality girls in my group of friends. we all (guys and girls) talk about marriage a lot, but there are a few guys i look at and think, ok, what are you doing about it? and maybe they are doing things. maybe i just don't see them. so i'll have to ask these questions with a lot of tact and a lot of love.

so i agree with some of the points of the marriage mandate. pushing marriage off for no good reason is not the best idea. but i get frustrated with that movement because it just seems to be a lot of blaming and condemning and sarcastic blog entries. what are they doing to help the situation? i get frustrated too because i feel like my hands are tied. i didn't ask for this (to be 28 and single), and i can't do much to change it. i continue to pray, to pour my heart out to god. i still cry (more than i'd really like to admit), and i'm sick of it. but what can i do? i've tried eharmony and match, several times. i went through a phase where i'd go out with pretty much any guy who asked me. none of it has done much good. now i'm just trying to love god and others and be open to whatever he has for me. there's nothing wrong with how i'm living, it's just not what i wanted. but isn't life full of things like this? god lets things that we don't want into our lives. he doesn't stop them from happening. i desperately want to glorify him with this situation. i desperately don't want to turn into a bitter mopey single 30-something. but i'm also very afraid i will. this is hard, living like this. harder than a lot of people know, i think.

i know god loves me and has the best for me. but best means something more like 'best relationship with god' or 'best character development' and something less like 'best tangible gifts for you right now.' or at least that's how i feel. he has hopes and plans that are supposed to prosper me. and i want to prosper, no matter what the situation! so i am trying to choose a good attitude every day. but sometimes it feels so damn fake! i am tired of this version of my life! yeah, it's not bad, but it has gotten old! my married friends read my blog or hear me talking about going out with friends, and they say things like ohh, that sounds so exotic/romantic/like such fun. and i want to shout at them, it's the same crap you were doing two years ago when you were single and we hung out! nothing has changed except the faces and names! you've moved on, and i'm still here! you're not missing out on anything, i promise!

and this has mostly just turned into a rant. i didn't really intend it to.

god, i just lift all of this up to you, along with anyone else who's feeling the frustrations i am right now. you love me. more than anyone else has loved me or could love me or will love me. you have chosen to allow my life to go this way. you have good things here for me. i want to enjoy them. i want to be happy and hopeful.... give me the strength to choose happiness and contentment and hope every day, and especially every night. give me the strength to keep putting myself out there and loving other people, no matter where they are in life.

singleness as second place

i generally don't watch romantic comedies. i have a few that i really like, for random reasons, but mostly i avoid them because of the bittersweet feelings i'm left with when they're over.

tonight i caved, and watched 'the wedding planner.' i know, i know. it's a pretty terrible movie. the plotl ine is silly and the the fact that matthew mcconaughey's character doesn't have the guts to dump the girl he doesn't really love really annoys the crap out of me.

as lame as it was, i watched it. and i even found myself on the verge of tears during the part where j. lo has just had a run in with her ex-fiance and his pregnant wife. it really throws her off, and after drowning her sorrows, she finds herself in tears at her apartment with matthew mcconaughey. she notes that she's the poor man's version of the woman her ex-fiance married.

and that really hit me. it's weird that it did, because i haven't really had any one situation like that, where i've been blatantly dumped for another person, nor has anyone ever cheated on me (to my knowledge). but for some reason, i can strongly identify with that i'll only ever be second fiddle feeling.

i guess it's a lack of confidence thing. while i know i have my sh*t together, i can't help feeling that there's a line that divides me from all the women who are marriage material. i've always struggled with this, and while i know it's not true, i don't feel that it's not true. if that makes any sense. plus, my reality doesn't really back it up. i've had one serious relationship as an adult. it lasted about 3 months. reality tells me that i'm better at being single than coupled.

and yes, i know god is bigger than circumstances and situations. i know that he alone can make me happy, blah blah blah. and i take my confidence and singleness struggles to him daily. but it is still hard. and when i am very honest with myself, i have to admit that i still wonder what it is i haven't figured out yet.

when you coast you pay the consquences

do you ever catch yourself coasting? like, coasting through a certain area of your life, knowing that you should be working harder, or changing something (e.g. your behavior), or maybe applying yourself a little more?

i've been coasting along for awhile in the area of girl friendships. i know i've been coasting, and for a while i was almost thinking that it was ok, and that maybe this was just what my life was going to look like for a while and there would be no real consequences.

but, i have to admit that while i've been coasting, i've also been feeling the holy spirit speaking very softly to me. it's been a faint impression of the question 'is this really ok?' it sort of floats in and out of my head. when i start to look at some of my actions over the past few months and at the same time consider both my feelings and my hopes for the future, i start to realize that it all doesn't add up to what i want it to be.

i have lots of guy friends. and i love them! they're great. but i don't want to marry any of them (i think i have pretty legitimate reasons, maybe i'll delve into them in another post). i grew up with an older brother and was a total tomboy for a long time, so i think it's just relatively easy for me to relate to men. it's a little more difficult for me to get into close friendships with girls. i can do it, it just takes more work. i've got some baggage with rejection/abandonment (my mom died when i was 19), plus, over the last few years several of my dearest girlfriends have gotten married and either moved away or had a baby or both.

all that to say i am tired. i am tired of establishing meaningful friendships with women and pouring into them only to have them disappear. it's taken a lot out of me. so i think in order to protect myself, i've coasted along with my guy friends because, well, they're easy. they just don't require the work that girl friendships do. plus you get that whole 'i'm appreciated' feeling. but as you probably know, less work equals less reward. i feel very sisterly toward these guys, and that's great, but there's sadness there, too. at least for me. none of my guy friends are 'mine.' i'll have to let them all go someday. i want them to meet and marry wonderful women. when that happens, i'll fade in importance. i know that and am ok with it, but it's still a little tough at times.

there's a level of comfort i can't get to with my guy friends. i miss that; the comfort that comes when you're really close to your roommate and you can stay up late talking in the hallway or just bum around running errands and doing random stuff and not worry that you're spending too much time together and therefore deterring some guy from pursuing you.

i want to have some good girlfriends again, and i will. especially now that the importance of it is sinking in. i'm realizing that it's important for me not to coast. i need to pursue friendships with women, actively seek them out and spend time with them. it's freaking hard, but i know that when i do, more healing will come (both for me and whoever i become friends with) and i feel less lonely.

plus, i want to be married some day. something tells me that when all of my friends are cracking jokes about how much time i spend with seth or evan or james, it doesn't put out this picture of what a great available single woman i am. and heck, it probably doesn't make them look available to other women, either. and i don't want that. for some reason i keep thinking of the word defraud, and i don't want to defraud anyone, nor do i want to be defrauded.

so ok, less time with my boyfriends (who i still love!) and more time developing good girlfriends. i'll stop coasting, god, because i know you have more for me than palling around with random guys for the rest of my life. and because i know that the rewards are so much greater when i step to your challenges, the things that i know are good and right and true.

the 'gift' of singleness?

wow! so i had no idea this was such a hot topic. yes, i've read all the books; debbie maken's, a bunch by elisabeth elliott, dr. cloud, etc. i've had a lot of internal struggle too. but i had no idea how hotly the (online) christian single community would debate the 'gift' of singleness vs. the 'marriage mandate.'

personally, i see some of both sides. i agree that marriage is god's design for most of us. and i agree that a lot of us are kidding ourselves when we expect service, friends, careers, etc to fill our desires for a husband/wife.

but i see a dangerous slope, which i'm sure others have discussed. as a single person, it's really easy for me to be so focused on my situation that i lose site of my god and the gifts he's given me. is singleness a gift he's given me? well, yes, for right now it certainly is. i very much want to be married (so much so... i'm sure future posts will go into more detail about the tears i've cried and the stupid things i've done out of that wanting). but, right now, i'm single. and it is obvious to me that this is where god wants me. am i happy about it? not always, but i want to be.

am i open to dates? yes (to some extent, but that's another post). am i constantly trying to grow to become the kind of mate i hope to have someday? yes! (dear god, i have read so many books, tried so many things! ha.) BUT, i am also asking god why he has me here. why have i been single for so long? why do i have this feeling in my heart that i'm in this unique place of prolonged singleness for a reason? to quote a recent sermon i heard, maybe 'my misery is my ministry.' we'll see. again, perhaps more on that later.

all of that to say that it's a combination. yes, we live in a fallen world where men and women are failing each other all of the time. and yes, satan is attacking through secular culture and other assorted ways. yes, i mourn the fact that i am 28, still a virgin, and my body is starting to age. some things just suck! but, i can't give up. i have to hold on to hope. i have to believe that he has a plan. that:

'Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

(Habakkuk 3:17-18)

so that's what i think. care to comment?

single/certain: me

i'm a christ follower in my late twenties. i'm female, taller than average, i like design, art, music videos, sparkling wines, and great jeans, among other things. i'm also single, and i have been for most of my adult life. when i say single, i mean, like, not in any kind of romantic relationship. i've had 2 relationships in my adult life; neither lasted more than about 3 or 4 months.

in spite of my singleness (well, probably because of my singleness) i've been a student of relationships since college. i've become the friend my other friends come to for advice, i'm the one recommending the latest relationship or christian psychology book, i'm the one suggesting that my married friends learn to fight fairly.

so that's a little bit of me.... but, why this blog? i've been yearning for a place for single people for a long time. a place where no one will tell us that we need to get married, or ask if we're seeing anyone. where our married friends won't try and set us up with anyone and everyone. where our friends won't secretly (or not so secretly) wonder what's wrong with us that we haven't found someone yet.

if you're single, i want you to know that you are ok just the way you are. that god loves you and has a plan for your life. you weren't forgotten, left out, or cosmically screwed over. there is a plan! maybe it involves meeting someone special soon, maybe not. maybe he wants to teach you things or prune things or give you something else special first. i don't know. but i do know that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are not alone.

i'm not here to tell you exactly how to not be single anymore, or give you the formula for how to meet 'the one.' but i will share with you about my dating experiences, books i've read, my hopes and fears, and maybe even some of the really embarrassing stories about guys i've gone on dates with. (we'll see about that last one...)

i hope that by sharing my struggles and the things that god has been teaching me, it will help someone. i feel like i've learned a lot and learn more and more all the time. comment, ask questions, read away. shoot me emails, too, if you like. and know that i'm praying for you.