Saturday, August 25, 2007

prayer, heavy on desperation

sometimes i'm ok. most of the time i am. and sometimes, it hurts so much. today it hurts a lot.

first of all, i picked up debbie maken's book again. (i plan to do a review at some point) i don't know why, but it wrecks me almost every time. her words leave me sad and frustrated and hopeless. i can't say exactly why, maybe i feel like a failure. it's almost like i read her book and feel like i'm powerless to change my singleness. i've internet dated, i've enlisted people i care about (agency), i've gone to therapy, i've cared, and i've not cared. and here i still am. i'm on my 3rd roommate and my 2nd or 3rd large group of friends (they keep getting married and moving).

i'm the age debbie was when she got sick of her situation, went to an indian christian matchmaker, and her life changed. and nothing that good is on my horizon. would an indian christian matchmaker take me? i've never really been all that attracted to indian guys.

on top of all those feelings of inadequacy you can add that i read my ex-boyfriend's blog where he mentions his new girlfriend. no, i don't want him back. yes, i wish him the best. i pray for him sometimes. we've been broken up and on great terms for over a year. but, not fair. here i am, still single. and there he is, enjoying new love again. his wounds don't stop him. do mine stop me? or are there just no solid available bachelors in this large mid western city? in my book, if this world were any kind of fair, he would have to stay single another 2 or 3 years.

what am i doing wrong? god, if you were to tell me what i need to do to change my situation, i would do it. i swear. i can't believe that more bad dates are the answer. i can't believe that dropping $30 a month to close out men on eharmony is the answer. i really think i am so great; why won't it translate to a relationship? what the he** else am i supposed to do?

i know this world is broken. i know that there are so many things that are just screwed up because of sin and satan. i guess one of them is that i get to be single and celibate for over ten years (counting since i was about 18). i guess i can't complain. i have some family who love me, i can walk, i dont' have MS or anything. but damn, how i would love to not have to deal with this anymore.

sometimes i am really, really good at being single. and other times i'm just really good at crying and asking god angry questions.


Anonymous said...

Read Chapter 1 of Purpose Driven Life. Being Happy is not the cheif end of man. Know what really matters (moral reasoning, relationship with God etc.)and ask yourself why is your criteria for men as you've set it out to be. Is the answer is public opinion, your happiness or is it to glorify God and enjoy him forever on His terms?

single/certain said...

although i am not a big purpose driven life fan (i got about halfway through and then stopped, which is rare for me... i always finish books), i agree, anon. something i hope to post more on soon is how i'm learning to love god, and be thankful for what he gives me, not love his gifts and be thankful for him.

Anonymous said...

Hi, I'm a 23-year-old chick in a wheelchair (well, most of the time), who has never been on a date. Believe me, you're not the only one who struggles with this. I'm a big fan of ranting on facebook myself. And I'm horrifically confused by this whole dating thing to begin with! Anywho, if you'd like someone to commiserate with, lean on, or just be friends with, let me know: