Monday, August 27, 2007

and sometimes joy leads to revelation

i've been thinking a lot about the 'gift of singleness' and the 'marriage mandate' arguments lately. (as you might be able to tell from my posts). the bottom line for me has become that it's not about the gift, it's about the giver.

i have wanted the gift of marriage for soooo long. actually, i've been wanting a lot of different gifts for a long time. i just feel like i'm in the same place, with the same stuff. i have cried and begged and pleaded, as recently as saturday night even, for an end to singleness, a change in my job, something, anything. just a freaking gift!

but god has had something else in mind. he's been trying to give me more of him. for a long time, i didn't think i really wanted more of him. i'm fine how i am, god. just give me a husband! i don't need stronger character or a more intimate relationship with you. i don't really want to pursue you intensely or be obedient. i'll give you half-ass. and in return, i want quality! and maybe i'll think about growing and loving you more later.

it took me a long time to realize that the gifts without the giver are worthless and sickening. my attempts to fill my loneliness on my own terms just made me feel worse. nothing satisfies like god.

and i'm getting it now. i am so excited because i'm wanting god more than i have in a long time. i'm wanting on of those amazing, dynamic relationships with him that i've heard about. and i'm ready to put him first. words like obedience and sacrifice are coming more readily into my mind than they ever have before. i think that's how i can tell that things are changing. maybe i won't be married for a while yet; instead i'll be getting to know my god more and more intimately. wow!

i know the gifts will follow the giver. i don't see them yet, but that's ok; that's what faith is. i still trust.

so what do you want more? what are you focusing on more? i can tell you that focusing on the gifts doesn't bring much happiness. maybe it isn't about the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness or even how to get a date worth keeping (though that is definitely an important skill set to have!). maybe it's about pursuing the giver no matter what he has or hasn't given you, and trusting that the best is yet to come.

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