Friday, September 21, 2007

me and tula

so it's friday night, and i'm home. my roommate is at her boyfriend's. most of my friends are out of town or just otherwise occupied. and anyway, it's nice to be by myself. i needed a night alone. well, alone unless you count the cat and my large glass of red wine.

i'm watching 'my big fat greek wedding,' and wishing i were tula, the main character. at least then i would have something to change. something to work on. something to blame my singleness on. at the beginning of the movie, her hair and make up are a little lacking. then she goes to community college and magically gets it all together.

but i think my hair and make up are pretty awesome already. i have a BS in design, so i don't know that community college would change much of anything. i've read almost every christian dating book out there. i have prayed. i have internet dated (on and eharmony). i have gone on dates with a lot of guys i knew i didn't want, just to 'be open.' and because i have a hard time saying no.

i have nothing left to work on. no more excuses. i've plateaued, really. it's kind of frustrating. i have to be one of the few people who cries while watching 'my big fat greek wedding.' i just hope somebody notices me soon, somebody like ian miller.


Anonymous said...

wow. to read your postings is much like reading my own journal circa 1999-2003. although you are much more eloquent & mature than i was at 25-29. but those were the 4 years i, by the grace of God, swore off all things i didn't consider spiritually edifying. no boys, only worship music, no tv, movies, alcohol, etc. tough stuff- especially since i'm whipsmart & superfly cute, too, like you i'm sure. for those 4 years it was 100% me & JC. and it was trancendantly beautiful. but along the way i struggled with that wrenching loneliness & despair & lust & uncertainty. sunday mornings were bliss. friday nights were pretty tough. if i took my eyes off Him i'd start obsessing about ridiculous things like organizing my things & home decor & cooking. all the while my expectations for the man that God may or may not bring to me kept getting higher & higher. and it was weird, b/c all the single christian guys i noticed had remnants of that same despair/longing/desperation thing that i wanted to escape from. yuk. i was confused. i wasn't as good at being single anymore, i desperately longed for companionship.
so i simultaneously gave up all hope of finding my "match" and started dating again- avoiding men who wore their christianity on their sleeves. why not have some companionship along the way? i'm not going to end up with any of these guys anyway... they wouldn't understand me. i'm the most non-stereotypical charismatic looking chick *i've* ever seen.

not more than a week after this decision, i meet some guy. very entertaining. witty. goofy. honest. smart. i agree to meet for dinner.
date 1: we notify each other that we don't want long term. proceed to have a fabulous evening full of laughter.
date 2: too perfect.
date 3: still way too perfect.
i get concerned.
i start praying my usual "If this isn't from You, take it away NOW. If it is, give me a green light." This prayer had only & always yielded red lights. Whatever that means. The Holy Spirit would just always speak to me, "nope. let this one go."
For the very first time... the answer was different. The Holy Spirit spoke in visions of a wide open field of green grass & sunshine & openness.
date 4: i spill it. i'm a jesus freak. this shouldn't be as good as it is. i'm confused. i should go.
then he spills it-- his faith is #1 in his life. he was told he'd fall in love soon but didn't believe it.
the whole thing was crystal clear. we were married a year later. a month ago, now. never a doubt about our union. and now... as i look back on all of this... it's so strange. from the beginning, *I* would NEVER imagine myself with this guy. but we are stupidly perfect together. God knew the whole time. And i have such a new perspective on relationships. He made us to love & be loved & to love Him.
you are a phenomenal woman for your devotion. i hope this story was amusing or helpful or encouraging to you. just thought i'd share. all the best to you.

single/certain said...

thanks so much for sharing!!! i'm finally back in the place where stories like that give me hope. and i totally hear you about the obsessing; i've gone through phases; art projects/painting, home decor, fashion, etc. none of it fills the hole! and i would def say i'm not as good at being single anymore. but that's ok.

thanks; your story is amusing, helpful and encouraging! and i love 'stupidly perfect!' that is exactly what i am looking for!