not related to anything!

this song is amazing. the joy it puts inside me is indescribable.
go to 7 digital and by it and all the remixes of it, especially the bimbo jones remix. the only way i can tie this to relationships or anything like that is that i would play this song at my wedding reception when my wedding party and me and my husband enter the reception hall.

but what i really really want is...

all the 'good' stuff i've been doing has been overwhelming me lately. don't get me wrong; i'm involved in awesome stuff. but when the awesome stuff is piling up higher than i can see, it doesn't feel so awesome any more. it feels like chains stretching and pulling me in every direction.

so i've been feeling stressed out, over-committed and lonely lately. i feel like i've been giving so much of myself away and yet not feeling any better about anything. luckily i've been steeped in truth enough to know that you can't keep pouring water out of a can with out filling it up. i need a fill up. i'm just not sure where to get it. but that's another post for maybe another time.

in the midst of all the down feelings, i threw myself a little singleness pity party. it left me thinking hard about a kind of dilemma....

the dilemma is as follows; i can't think of anything i want more than to be married. i can't think of any job i want or any place i want to go or any thing i'd like to have instead of marriage. ok, fine. right now, getting to marriage seems to be completely out of my control. i also have what i'll call a feeling, or maybe an impression, that i'm not supposed to be chasing marriage right now. i'm not supposed to be biding my time putting my profile on singles sites and combing the lists of eligible bachelors. i'm supposed to be living my life and loving god and others. (just go with me on that last one for a minute.)

so the big problem is that everything else i do feels like something to pass the time; every volunteer project i take on, every dream i have about buying that building down the street or buying a house or just spending another year in my large dirt cheap apartment. it all just feels like second place. like, ok, since i can't have what i really want, what else can i do that will make me kind of happy for a while and keep me from focusing too much on being single?

the only solution i can come up with is that i need to pray to ask god to make me want him and want what he has for me more than what i want right now (marriage). can i just tell you how much i really don't like that? i want what i want, god! give it to me!!!!

it's kind of overwhelming. the whole 'what do i do with my life' question. i mean, yea, sure, i'm doing the little small things.... being more generous with my time and money, etc, etc. but i need a vision. i need to be moving toward something. i need to feel like i have a tangible end goal.

ok. i'm rambling. and whining.

i admit it...

i descended into the madness of the marriage mandate debate. i feel kind of bad about it, but what's done is done.

what did i do? i attempted to put the verbal smackdown on debbie maken. i admit it. my motives were not pure or wholesome. i was shocked and angry, and i reacted with sarcasm. this woman is a somewhat well-known christian writer, and yet in many places around the internet you can find her making callous and downright meant comments. below are some of my favorites, so you can see what i mean. i'm sure amir can dig up more :-)

from comments on a boundless article:
"I have nothing to clarify or add about page 185 of the book. You got a 45 year old bachelor, go figure. Either a late bloomer, either was too picky, either consistently choosing poor quality women to date, either no effort, . . . at some point people need to take responsibility for where they are due to decisions/inactions they have made all along the way. The presumption of innocence that Anna did not indulge the 45 year old Christian male in is understandable, as well as her refusal to reward."

from comments on her own blog:
"So, farmer Tom, spare me the condescension of most women being feminist, men-disrespecting, corporate ladder climbing, career lovers, somehow leaving hapless, well-intentioned men in a dusty haze of confusion. Get off your bottom, be a "man," so that a woman will actually be attracted to you, and quit making excuses."

(note: farmer tom is married with kids)

maken has some good points in her book. but as several people have noted previously, they've all been eclipsed by her judgmental and often downright mean attitude.

i'm going to leave off the debate on this now and return to simply living my life and sharing my struggles and triumphs as a single woman. things should hopefully be quieting down in my life over the next few weeks, so hopefully i'll have more time to post again.

the balancing act

like i said in my previous post, i've been really busy lately. for the most part, it's a good busy. i'm doing a lot more service-type stuff. i'm serving with creative team, a group at my church that meets weekly to build and paint stuff for the kids' programs. i'm also helping out with a one-day city-wide service project and of course, the new orleans trip.

and it's good. it's really good; i feel like i'm growing and stretching into a kinder, more selfless person. i feel like i'm even trying to love and serve my friends more.

but.... (and you knew there'd be a but!) none of this great awesome stuff completely replaces that hope that someday soon i'll meet someone worth going on at least a few dates with. i'd be lying to you (and you probably wouldn't believe me anyway) if i told you otherwise.

i'm having a lot of fun. and i feel good about growing and maturing, and most importantly, connecting with god more. but of course, it's still there. you know what i'm talking about. the desire. the looking. the wondering. the scanning the crowd at church. i know it's both impossible and wrong to turn it off all the way, and i'm glad that it seems to have quieted down a little. i seem to be more able to focus on god and his work than i have been in a long time.

but..... all that being said, personal growth and marriage are not mutually exclusive things. discovering how to draw nearer to god doesn't have to happen in a state of singleness. it's just that way with me, i guess.

ok. focusing on the awesomeness, not the absence. i know you love me and have a plan, god.

hey

so i've been wanting to post. i swear. i've been wanting to share about the singleness-related things that have been happening, or write about serving on this planning committee with vball dude. but, well, i just don't have much to say. plus i haven't the time to write about anything.

my life is full of stuff right now. good stuff! stuff that keeps me too busy to think much about being single or the marriage mandate vs. the gift of singleness. instead i am thinking about other things. sometimes it's small practical things like t-shirt price quotes for the shirts we'll need for the trip to new orleans. other times it's bigger things, but it's bigger things that i don't have my head wrapped around enough to write about.

no matter what i'm thinking about, though, i'm pretty happy right now. has my desire for a husband (or at least a boyfriend first) gone away? nope. but it isn't so big right now. i have other things to think about. things i can be a part of right now. change in people's lives, all over the world. my friends, people in my city, people in new orleans, and people in places like india and south africa, where my church has partnerships. god is using me and the things he's given me in all of those places.

plus, i have dutch pop! go to itunes and check out Hej Matematik!!! du og jeg is a good song to start with.

random things about me

ok, so i got tagged by amir over at singlemind.net. even though i try really hard to keep this blog focused on singleness and related triumphs and struggles, i'll digress a little just this once and post ten random facts about myself.

1. i'm ridiculously tall and skinny (at least so far in my life. people keep telling me that will change, but at 28 it hasn't changed much). i'm 6'1"

2. i've had jaw surgery twice and have seven screws in my jaw

3. i love hockey. it's my favorite sport to watch, and i played some in high school.

4. i love god. i love knowing that no matter what the future holds, if i'm seeking him, then i'm constantly being made more like Him. so even though in 10 years i may not have what i want right now, i'll still be more like Him than i am right now.

5. i really enjoy the emerging church movement and how it's stretching my faith.

6. i really enjoy reading, learning and talking about relationships and relational growth. likewise i like listening to and encouraging people in their relational journeys.

7. i love good food and good wine, and i love them even more when good friends and good conversation are thrown in.

8. i lived in rome, italy for a year. i was interning with campus crusade for christ. i loved being in rome. i think i could throw a dart at europe, go where the dart landed, and enjoy myself.

9. music! electronica, 80s, europop, techno, alternative, some rap & hip hop. i love good tunes.

10. last but not least, i once was madly in love with and thought i would marry a guy named zsolt. yeah, really.