i admit it...

i descended into the madness of the marriage mandate debate. i feel kind of bad about it, but what's done is done.

what did i do? i attempted to put the verbal smackdown on debbie maken. i admit it. my motives were not pure or wholesome. i was shocked and angry, and i reacted with sarcasm. this woman is a somewhat well-known christian writer, and yet in many places around the internet you can find her making callous and downright meant comments. below are some of my favorites, so you can see what i mean. i'm sure amir can dig up more :-)

from comments on a boundless article:
"I have nothing to clarify or add about page 185 of the book. You got a 45 year old bachelor, go figure. Either a late bloomer, either was too picky, either consistently choosing poor quality women to date, either no effort, . . . at some point people need to take responsibility for where they are due to decisions/inactions they have made all along the way. The presumption of innocence that Anna did not indulge the 45 year old Christian male in is understandable, as well as her refusal to reward."

from comments on her own blog:
"So, farmer Tom, spare me the condescension of most women being feminist, men-disrespecting, corporate ladder climbing, career lovers, somehow leaving hapless, well-intentioned men in a dusty haze of confusion. Get off your bottom, be a "man," so that a woman will actually be attracted to you, and quit making excuses."

(note: farmer tom is married with kids)

maken has some good points in her book. but as several people have noted previously, they've all been eclipsed by her judgmental and often downright mean attitude.

i'm going to leave off the debate on this now and return to simply living my life and sharing my struggles and triumphs as a single woman. things should hopefully be quieting down in my life over the next few weeks, so hopefully i'll have more time to post again.

who needs friends like Job's?

one thing that continually bothers me about the whole marriage mandate movement is how much like Job's friends they sound when arguing their point. i mean, correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't debbie maken and friends basically telling me that if i'm of a certain age and not married, then i'm doing something wrong? maybe they're not. maybe i'm taking their argument too far. i'll have to dig up that book again.

that thought pattern makes me think of Job's friends telling him to just confess whatever sin he hasn't confessed so that god will start blessing him again. right, guys. i don't think that's how it works. i'm pretty sure i'm not single because god's punishing me. i'm glad i don't have any 'friends' like that.

i'm pretty sure that i am right where i'm supposed to be, living inside of god's will, and clinging to his promises. i'm also pretty sure that there are a lot of people who don't get what they want, but discover other equally amazing things. different, but still amazing.

yes, there's a problem in that the secular world is still making empty to promises that some of us young christians fall prey to when we know we shouldn't. but stuff like that has been happening since the fall. the current iteration of empty promises tells us we should live for ourselves and put off marriage so we can sleep with whoever and spend our money on whatever.

and yes, there's a problem in the way the church often responds to singles with a lack of compassion and understanding. many of us have had our requests for help in finding a spouse met with coldness or disbelief.

but none of that changes the fact that sometimes god allows us to live without things that we desperately want. and it's for our own good. i don't know why he's letting me be single and 28 while most of my close girlfriends get to be married and 28. but i know that i have to trust. and i have to choose to walk with the sadness and yet not let it turn to bitterness.

i trust you god. i don't always like what you're giving me, but i trust that it is my daily bread. today, i was single. tomorrow, i'll probably still be single. and that's all i'm going to think about.

logic according to debbie maken & friends

i recently read this post over at 'the gift of singleness,' a blog written by some singles in the UK. they bring up some good points in their posts, in general, but they are sometimes a little too 'disciples of all things debbie maken' for me.

in the aforementioned post, they use this passage from maken's book:

"...think about what happened in Nazi Germany. One could say that those events were God's will. In a technical sense, those events did happen while God was ruling. But for us to say that God wills the murder of six million innocent people completely contradicts what he has revealed in Scripture and inaccurately reflects his desires."

then captain sensible draws the same 'obvious' conclusion that maken does; it's not god's will for us to be single. leaving aside the pretty ludicrous comparison of the murder of millions of innocent people to the current state of single christians, i have to question the statement.

i admit that i may have done something not exactly christlike. i submitted a comment on captain sensible's post in which i asked, ok, so why am i still single? (though, it doesn't really matter; they don't seem to be too fond of publishing my comments)

and this is the question that i feel that maken and all of her followers don't address. they don't speak enough to the fact that whether or not god caused this to happen, this is how it is for a lot of people. i have done everything in my power to change my situation. i have to now believe that god has me here for a reason.

i am not missing a date or a husband. i am not living outside of god's will because i don't have one. i am not less loveable or holy than debbie maken or any other happily (or not so happily) married christian. it is obvious to me that god has me here in a place of singleness for a reason.

it's not obvious in that i know why i am still single. it's more of an obviousness that comes from having tried everything humanly possible to get out of my situation. i very much want companionship, and all that comes with it. but god has been telling me to stop seeking. to concentrate on him instead of his gifts. is it hard? holy CRAP yes. sometimes i am so sad and lonely and frustrated i just have to cry for awhile. and not just a few tears, no, the crying with the ugly sobs and loud gasping for air. the kind of crying where you have to put your pillow over your face so you won't wake up your roommate, and the next morning your eyes are all puffy.

i wish that more christians would speak to this. so many single christians need compassion and encouragement, not someone telling them that life's not supposed to be this way. we know that already. it's a fallen world. of course it's not supposed to be this way! our sadness and loneliness and longing tell us that already.

i'm encouraging anyone else in my shoes to continue to seek god. seek a date, too, if you don't feel him telling you not to. by all means, seek a date! but make sure you are seeking to know and love and live like Him before all else. then all the rest will be given unto you.

the 'gift' of singleness?

wow! so i had no idea this was such a hot topic. yes, i've read all the books; debbie maken's, a bunch by elisabeth elliott, dr. cloud, etc. i've had a lot of internal struggle too. but i had no idea how hotly the (online) christian single community would debate the 'gift' of singleness vs. the 'marriage mandate.'

personally, i see some of both sides. i agree that marriage is god's design for most of us. and i agree that a lot of us are kidding ourselves when we expect service, friends, careers, etc to fill our desires for a husband/wife.

but i see a dangerous slope, which i'm sure others have discussed. as a single person, it's really easy for me to be so focused on my situation that i lose site of my god and the gifts he's given me. is singleness a gift he's given me? well, yes, for right now it certainly is. i very much want to be married (so much so... i'm sure future posts will go into more detail about the tears i've cried and the stupid things i've done out of that wanting). but, right now, i'm single. and it is obvious to me that this is where god wants me. am i happy about it? not always, but i want to be.

am i open to dates? yes (to some extent, but that's another post). am i constantly trying to grow to become the kind of mate i hope to have someday? yes! (dear god, i have read so many books, tried so many things! ha.) BUT, i am also asking god why he has me here. why have i been single for so long? why do i have this feeling in my heart that i'm in this unique place of prolonged singleness for a reason? to quote a recent sermon i heard, maybe 'my misery is my ministry.' we'll see. again, perhaps more on that later.

all of that to say that it's a combination. yes, we live in a fallen world where men and women are failing each other all of the time. and yes, satan is attacking through secular culture and other assorted ways. yes, i mourn the fact that i am 28, still a virgin, and my body is starting to age. some things just suck! but, i can't give up. i have to hold on to hope. i have to believe that he has a plan. that:

'Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

(Habakkuk 3:17-18)

so that's what i think. care to comment?