self control, staring, and vball dude.

i just got back from an amazing week spent building houses with my 300 people from my church and staff from habitat for humanity. it was an awesome trip, and i'm home now with a lot to think and pray about, and a pretty big thing to put in motion. god really showed up for me down in new orleans, and i am so thankful. there might be more on that in the future.

i also came home with a reminder that giving god control of my dating/relating life is still a daily struggle. and i still want someone to want me. even though i'm not really sure i want this particular guy.

vball dude (about him) (some follow up here and here) was on the trip. he was also on my bus. and on my work site. and basically just around me almost all the time. and i spent a good chunk of mental and spiritual energy wondering if i like him, and whether or not that matters, because he's not chasing. such a waste on my part.

i'm not going to get into all of it, but i'll share a thing or two. guys, if you're not into a girl, and you have no intention of pursuing her, don't stare at her. a couple times through the trip i thought i felt vball dude's eyes on me. i thought i was being dumb, so i put it out of my head, but one of my guy friends, evan, brought it up one night when we were all out dancing and having a good time. what's up with you and vballl dude? he asked. you guys were talking a lot tonight, and he's been staring at you a lot. ok, good, so i'm not crazy, i replied. i thought i caught him staring a few times. but, for as much as he stares, he's still not biting. at that point, it was toward the end of the trip, and without chasing him, i'd done what i could to just kind of communicate openness. attempts at conversation, a compliment here and there, a smile, whatever. but nothing in return. no questions, no real back and forth developing.

as much as i struggled through the trip, i'm proud of myself. there were a lot of times i wanted to initiate more conversation, get closer to him, etc. but i didn't. i held off. i told myself, i will not chase. i will not manipulate. i will be pursued. if not by him, then i will wait for someone else.

it can be frustrating, though, to feel that inconsistency coming from someone you think is kinda cool. my friend andy watched vball dude a little through the trip, and what he said made me feel better. he's definitely not engaging, he said one night. he's definitely holding himself back, as if he's been hurt or is taking a break or something. that actually made me feel good; maybe he's really solid, and he's interested, but can't pursue right now, for whatever reason. i can't say i saw him chase anyone else; he was just his usual friendly, slightly flirty self.

the funny thing, too, is that i'm still not even sure i like him. i've observed some things i don't like. and he's not giving me any solid signs he's interested. just the staring a few other random things. i also know i tend to over-analyze. he hasn't been a christian too terribly long; maybe the staring is just him staring at an attractive girl. maybe i'm reading too much into that and every other behaviour. i'm willing to admit i do that sometimes.

the good thing is the trip is over, and i don't have to see much more of him. maybe a trip post-mortem with the leadership team, and then the trip celebration in september, and that should be it. that makes it easier; if he's not around, i'll stop wondering and move on. which is what i should have done from the get-go.