a boyfriend i didn't know i had!

so apparently vball dude and i are dating, and i had no idea! will wonders never cease!?

saturday night i got a call from an old friend. i let it go to voicemail, as it was late, i had just gotten back from a pool party, and i was ready for bed. but then my friend, trevor, texted me. call me! it's urgent-ish!!! urgent-ish? umm, ok.... i let out a nice sigh and went out on the deck to call him back so i wouldn't wake my roommate.

the first words out of his mouth when he answered the phone were so i hear you have a hot boyfriend!!! umm... i do? i replied. yeah! some guy from the trip! trevor tossed out a couple of names that were close to vball dude's. uh, do you mean vball dude? yeah! he shouted. vball dude! i hear you guys got together on that trip you took!

at this point i just started laughing. i told him that no, we weren't dating, at least not to my knowledge. aww, bummer he said. no biggy i said. but where did you hear this!? you weren't on the trip, and you don't even go to our church! turns out his coworker was on the trip, and she heard the rumor from another girl who'd also been on the trip.

the whole thing made me laugh. i've never had rumors spread about me! i have to admit, i kind of like it :) of course, i probably like it because vball dude is tall, good-looking, a solid leader, and oh yeah i kind of have an on again, off again crush on him. but seriously... where on earth did this come from!? it wasn't like we spent tons of time together on the trip. he talked to and spent time with a lot of girls while we were down there. (that's another topic for another time...) i really can't think of anything that happened that would have made anyone think we were dating.

oh well. like i said, i like it. i feel popular... like people think i'm dating a celebrity or something! vball dude is prett well known, especially now that he's been interviewed onstage about the trip. (i know, i know... kind of lame. hey, i'll take what i can get, ok?!)

self control, staring, and vball dude.

i just got back from an amazing week spent building houses with my 300 people from my church and staff from habitat for humanity. it was an awesome trip, and i'm home now with a lot to think and pray about, and a pretty big thing to put in motion. god really showed up for me down in new orleans, and i am so thankful. there might be more on that in the future.

i also came home with a reminder that giving god control of my dating/relating life is still a daily struggle. and i still want someone to want me. even though i'm not really sure i want this particular guy.

vball dude (about him) (some follow up here and here) was on the trip. he was also on my bus. and on my work site. and basically just around me almost all the time. and i spent a good chunk of mental and spiritual energy wondering if i like him, and whether or not that matters, because he's not chasing. such a waste on my part.

i'm not going to get into all of it, but i'll share a thing or two. guys, if you're not into a girl, and you have no intention of pursuing her, don't stare at her. a couple times through the trip i thought i felt vball dude's eyes on me. i thought i was being dumb, so i put it out of my head, but one of my guy friends, evan, brought it up one night when we were all out dancing and having a good time. what's up with you and vballl dude? he asked. you guys were talking a lot tonight, and he's been staring at you a lot. ok, good, so i'm not crazy, i replied. i thought i caught him staring a few times. but, for as much as he stares, he's still not biting. at that point, it was toward the end of the trip, and without chasing him, i'd done what i could to just kind of communicate openness. attempts at conversation, a compliment here and there, a smile, whatever. but nothing in return. no questions, no real back and forth developing.

as much as i struggled through the trip, i'm proud of myself. there were a lot of times i wanted to initiate more conversation, get closer to him, etc. but i didn't. i held off. i told myself, i will not chase. i will not manipulate. i will be pursued. if not by him, then i will wait for someone else.

it can be frustrating, though, to feel that inconsistency coming from someone you think is kinda cool. my friend andy watched vball dude a little through the trip, and what he said made me feel better. he's definitely not engaging, he said one night. he's definitely holding himself back, as if he's been hurt or is taking a break or something. that actually made me feel good; maybe he's really solid, and he's interested, but can't pursue right now, for whatever reason. i can't say i saw him chase anyone else; he was just his usual friendly, slightly flirty self.

the funny thing, too, is that i'm still not even sure i like him. i've observed some things i don't like. and he's not giving me any solid signs he's interested. just the staring a few other random things. i also know i tend to over-analyze. he hasn't been a christian too terribly long; maybe the staring is just him staring at an attractive girl. maybe i'm reading too much into that and every other behaviour. i'm willing to admit i do that sometimes.

the good thing is the trip is over, and i don't have to see much more of him. maybe a trip post-mortem with the leadership team, and then the trip celebration in september, and that should be it. that makes it easier; if he's not around, i'll stop wondering and move on. which is what i should have done from the get-go.

just an update/smooth sailing...

so i haven't had much to say lately. the single life has been less of a struggle. now and then i'll come home from a night out with friends and feel some loneliness, or notice a bad behavior pattern creeping up and try to nip it. but no major revelations or drama (can i get some wood to knock on?)

mostly i've been spending a lot of time consoling friends. the end of 2007/the beginning of 2008 has brought a lot of my friends back to being single again. i find myself doing a lot of listening and comforting. maybe this is one of the reasons i'm still single. i'm not bragging, but people seem to think i might know a thing or two. or maybe i'm just a good listener? oh, the irony of the indefinitely single 28 year old being the go-to girl for relationship/breakup advice. ha.

i was supposed to go to a planning meeting last week for the building trip i'm going on to new orleans this summer, but i didn't make it because of crappy weather. i was bummed; vball dude is in charge of the whole thing and i would've gotten to see/interact with him. there'll be more meetings. and the whole trip, of course, in august... plenty of time to get to know him some more.

unfortunately, i've gotten busy with all kinds of random stuff. a weekly volunteering thing at church, an extracurricular work activity, a website design for a friend.... i've let all of that keep me from the whole group prayer thing. lame, i know! but i think it will come back around if it needs to. and in the meantime, i'm praying more, and that's always good.

no more bad boys (probably can't say the same for bad decisions)

we all know the stereotype of the bad boy. i admit, i've fallen for a few. i've never seriously dated one, but i've 'hung around' a few, and um, may have made a bad decision or two concerning a rally-attending socialist venezuelan and also an underachiever rich-kid with bad words tattooed on his knuckles.

i am definitely making better decisions now, though! heck, the last guy i made a bad decision with was a really good guy! baby steps, right? right.....

so i saw vball dude at a church function last night. he was in line next to me for communion. we chatted some, and that was that. i hung around afterward hoping to talk to him some more, as i actually had something to tell him, but he was deep in conversation with someone else. i emailed him today, and when he emailed me back he mentioned the humanitarian trip through our church thathe was helping to plan, and added that if i wanted to help out, to just let him know. and before i really knew what i was doing, i hit reply and said, yup, i'd love to help out.

and with the click of my mouse and the stroke of a few keys, i committed to a trip to new orleans in August to build houses.

now, in my defense, i was thinking about going on some kind of trip like that this year. a few years ago i went really far away (africa), and i'm not ready to shell out for that again right now. but new orleans is much more do-able. and i was thinking that with some of my experiences, i could help with leadership stuff if they need it. but before that email, i still wasn't sure if i was committing or not. but i think that now i am committed.

but, you know what? vball dude is a good guy. a really good guy. even though at this point i don't think he's being anything more than nice to me, i'm ok with me doing a few silly (but hopefully subtle) things to hang around him a little more. for the first time in a while. i've found a good, solid guy, and i'm intrigued. i'm intrigued by his goodness! that doesn't happen much. hopefully we'll become friends and i can see what he's really all about, and if he's as good as he seems.