post-party & a pretend boyfriend

so the party was great, as bev stated in her comment on the previous post (thanks bev!) everyone had great costumes, the 'black death punch' turned out great, and there was lots of great food, dancing, and good times.

i really enjoyed the party. i didn't get swept off of my feet by any mysterious (or familiar) men, but i still had a blast.

i also spent most of the weekend with seth. i'm not quite sure how i feel about that.

we walked a 5k charity race together friday night. saturday he showed up for the party around 10pm, and he ended up crashing on my futon. so did i. i know, i know... it sounds bad. it totally wasn't. he hadn't been drinking much, but wasn't feeling great. after all the guests had left, and my roommate and her boyfriend had left (they spent the night at his place, they always do on weekends), it was just me and seth. earlier i had told him he could crash on my couch if he wanted.

honestly, i was really glad seth was there. it's really crappy to be in your apartment by yourself after a huge party. everyone has gone home, your roommate is at her boyfriend's, and it's just you, a giant mess, and the last track or two on the party mix playing quietly. plus, in the past, i've done stupid things like make out with guys i shouldn't make out with after everyone else has left. not my finer moments, i know.

like i said, it was really nice knowing seth was there. i felt safe and connected. we sat on the couch and talked for a while, about some pretty deep things. past relationships, mistakes, being single, fulfillment, etc. finally i got up and unfolded the couch; it was a lot more comfortable. i grabbed some pillows, and we stretched out and continued talking. at one point i grabbed a blanket for him and one for me. the last thing i remember was finishing a sentence and then closing my eyes. i opened them again, and seth's were closed, so i shut mine again, and was asleep in like 3 seconds.

so we slept on the same futon together. it was completely platonic, and really nice. no, we didn't cuddle. we didn't touch each other at all. i'm not saying it was the most genius idea, or that i would do it all the time in the future. i totally could have gotten up and gone to my own bed (which is in the next room).

the next morning, we woke up and talked and laughed and both admitted that it was just really nice to have someone around. we met some friends for brunch and spent the day with them at the park, just laying around and soaking up the sun. then seth came back to my apartment and helped my roommate and i clean up the mess. (nice guy, eh?!) after the cleaning, we ate some pizza and watched a movie.

after this whole experience, the biggest thing i'm left with is the thought that after a while, there are no rules. or maybe there are, but because i am so imperfect, i can't follow them perfectly all the time. things were a lot simpler when i was 19 and single. even when i was 22 or even 25. but somehow, it seems like the older i get the more difficult and murky life gets.

i'm still not quite sure how to articulate my feelings about what happened this weekend. really, nothing happened. but i still feel slightly odd about it. that defraud word is in my head again. i guess i know that i am slipping into that pretend boyfriend pattern again. i don't want the rest of my life to be crashing on futons with platonic pretend boyfriends. i don't want potential dates to not pursue me because it appears that i am dating seth.

but the very immature part of me shakes my fist at god and whines, well, there aren't any potential dates around, and dammit, i'm lonely! if seth is all i have, then i will enjoy my friendship with him. if i can't be flirty with a boyfriend, then i'll be flirty with him instead! i know god is softly sighing and shaking his head at me. i'm trying, god! i really am. i see the pattern, i feel the conviction, and i'm trying to make some changes.

all of this makes me think of some lyrics by one of the only christian bands i've ever really really liked. the band is joy electric, and i didn't originally fall in love with them for the lyrics. but this song, candy cane carriage, has a couple of lines that really hit home. i don't know if ronnie martin was single for a long time, but this song captures some of the longing i feel. my favorite line:

To be young and in love
Is a gift laced in gold
All the years have made me scared
Just to give me something to share

the years have made me scared, even though i don't want to be and know i shouldn't be. i keep praying and hoping, though, for something to share.

the gift of boyfriends (yes, plural)

single girls, if you don't have boyfriends, you are missing out. i don't mean a boyfriend. i mean boyfriends.

we all know that girlfriends are golden. we can share and laugh and cry and drink cosmopolitans together. and i am so thankful for that. i think i am especially thankful because a good girlfriend is hard to come by, for me. they keep getting married! plus it takes a lot of effort to cultivate a really solid friendship with a girl. it's very worth it, but tough.

but, boyfriends... yeah, you gotta have them too. i am lucky enough to have evan and seth and james, among others. and each one is awesome for his own specific reasons. until i have a boyfriend, i will enjoy having guys like them in my life.

evan is my number one boyfriend. he's arty like me, and wears his heart on his sleave like me, too. he also has the ability to totally crack me up by saying the most random stuff. we hang out and ponder singleness and make fun of each other and joke about how everyone thinks we're dating even though we're not. i love evan because he always tells the truth, has the best hair of almost any guy i know, is hilariously funny, and generally doesn't care what anyone thinks of him. lately we've been bonding over his experiences with a girl he likes. i've learned a lot about how guys actually are kind of fragile. and how sometimes it's just good to sit and listen, and not really give any advice at all.

after evan, there's seth and james. seth is an engineer, races motorcycles, and has an old 2-seater british convertible. he is the most stoic guy i have ever met, and also probably the most well-rounded. i love riding in his car with him, trading emails about how he experiences god versus how i do, and cracking jokes about what's logical and what's not. i like hanging with seth because he slows me down. also, i love his ability to focus. wherever seth is, he is there 100%. he's engaged in whatever he's doing until it's done. i could definitely use some more of that quality.

james has a motorcycle, loves a good glass of wine, and has dated a woman 20 years older than him. he is this wonderful combination of boy and man. he loves his toys; he has a motorcycle and an amazingly fast boat, both of which he loves to share with other people. i love how james is appreciative of things that most other guys would miss; a cool pair of shoes, a girl who has her own style, stuff like that. i also love how sensitive he is. he tries to cover it up with his toughness and his fast toys, but he has a soft heart, loves to cuddle, and he is very afraid of being hurt. i can definitely identify with that.

those are just a few of the men in my life. i seriously doubt i'll marry any of them, but they are a lot of fun to hang out with. we challenge each other to grow, provide insight that same-sex friends generally can't, and just enjoy each other's company. plus, they make me feel good. i have solid friendships with 3 solid guys... there's something about that that makes me feel, well, appreciated. it gives me an ego boost.

if you are a single girl, make sure you have some boyfriends. and single guys, make sure you have some girlfriends. make sure you're always on the same page, and you'll have a lot of fun and learn more than you might have wanted to know. ;-)