Monday, October 29, 2007

post-party & a pretend boyfriend

so the party was great, as bev stated in her comment on the previous post (thanks bev!) everyone had great costumes, the 'black death punch' turned out great, and there was lots of great food, dancing, and good times.

i really enjoyed the party. i didn't get swept off of my feet by any mysterious (or familiar) men, but i still had a blast.

i also spent most of the weekend with seth. i'm not quite sure how i feel about that.

we walked a 5k charity race together friday night. saturday he showed up for the party around 10pm, and he ended up crashing on my futon. so did i. i know, i know... it sounds bad. it totally wasn't. he hadn't been drinking much, but wasn't feeling great. after all the guests had left, and my roommate and her boyfriend had left (they spent the night at his place, they always do on weekends), it was just me and seth. earlier i had told him he could crash on my couch if he wanted.

honestly, i was really glad seth was there. it's really crappy to be in your apartment by yourself after a huge party. everyone has gone home, your roommate is at her boyfriend's, and it's just you, a giant mess, and the last track or two on the party mix playing quietly. plus, in the past, i've done stupid things like make out with guys i shouldn't make out with after everyone else has left. not my finer moments, i know.

like i said, it was really nice knowing seth was there. i felt safe and connected. we sat on the couch and talked for a while, about some pretty deep things. past relationships, mistakes, being single, fulfillment, etc. finally i got up and unfolded the couch; it was a lot more comfortable. i grabbed some pillows, and we stretched out and continued talking. at one point i grabbed a blanket for him and one for me. the last thing i remember was finishing a sentence and then closing my eyes. i opened them again, and seth's were closed, so i shut mine again, and was asleep in like 3 seconds.

so we slept on the same futon together. it was completely platonic, and really nice. no, we didn't cuddle. we didn't touch each other at all. i'm not saying it was the most genius idea, or that i would do it all the time in the future. i totally could have gotten up and gone to my own bed (which is in the next room).

the next morning, we woke up and talked and laughed and both admitted that it was just really nice to have someone around. we met some friends for brunch and spent the day with them at the park, just laying around and soaking up the sun. then seth came back to my apartment and helped my roommate and i clean up the mess. (nice guy, eh?!) after the cleaning, we ate some pizza and watched a movie.

after this whole experience, the biggest thing i'm left with is the thought that after a while, there are no rules. or maybe there are, but because i am so imperfect, i can't follow them perfectly all the time. things were a lot simpler when i was 19 and single. even when i was 22 or even 25. but somehow, it seems like the older i get the more difficult and murky life gets.

i'm still not quite sure how to articulate my feelings about what happened this weekend. really, nothing happened. but i still feel slightly odd about it. that defraud word is in my head again. i guess i know that i am slipping into that pretend boyfriend pattern again. i don't want the rest of my life to be crashing on futons with platonic pretend boyfriends. i don't want potential dates to not pursue me because it appears that i am dating seth.

but the very immature part of me shakes my fist at god and whines, well, there aren't any potential dates around, and dammit, i'm lonely! if seth is all i have, then i will enjoy my friendship with him. if i can't be flirty with a boyfriend, then i'll be flirty with him instead! i know god is softly sighing and shaking his head at me. i'm trying, god! i really am. i see the pattern, i feel the conviction, and i'm trying to make some changes.

all of this makes me think of some lyrics by one of the only christian bands i've ever really really liked. the band is joy electric, and i didn't originally fall in love with them for the lyrics. but this song, candy cane carriage, has a couple of lines that really hit home. i don't know if ronnie martin was single for a long time, but this song captures some of the longing i feel. my favorite line:

To be young and in love
Is a gift laced in gold
All the years have made me scared
Just to give me something to share

the years have made me scared, even though i don't want to be and know i shouldn't be. i keep praying and hoping, though, for something to share.


BrooXL said...

i'm curious, just what is wrong with exploring a more serious relationship with seth? if you're one to say "i'm just not attracted", then i'd say you're wimping out. if you're not going to explore the possibility with him, then at least tell him the concrete reasons why you think it would not be a good match - so that you can continue the friendship and things will not be misinterpreted. oh, and by concrete, i mean solid reasons, _not_ assumptions.

single/certain said...

good comment, brooxl. and i will go thru it in detail in my very next post.....

jukaufma said...

why is it that we always feel so much better when we wake up next to someone? even when nothing happens, there's just something about waking up next to someone that makes you feel special and important and i guess loved... it's an ego boost. but pretend boyfriends are no fun, esp when they want to act like a real boyfriend without the commitment. but it seems as though you're the one who doesn't want commitment. i'm curious how you make that work for you? i thought I could do it, and i can't stand it anymore

jukaufma said...

sorry... i didn't look at the date on the post... i'm sure you answer a lot of what i said later on

single/certain said...

hey jukaufma.... thanks for reading, and for commenting.

i think most of us are wired to want to wake up next to someone. :) and yeah, pretend boyfriends are no fun. that is definitely something i've figured out.

i very much want commitment, i just haven't found anyone worth committing to yet. my standards are high, yeah. but i've spent a lot of time with a lot of guys who don't measure up, and my heart just can't take it anymore. and honestly, i'm much happier holding out for the best than i ever was with second best or pretend boyfriends.