happy new year—again!

yup. you heard me right. my 2008 didn't quite get off to the start i wanted. after figuring some stuff out (the hard way) and making some decisions, i've decided i'm hitting the reset button again.

the reason i'm hitting the reset button is the same reason i haven't posted in a while. the week after new year's, i was thinking that my life had been relatively drama-free for while. there were breakups and craziness going on all around me, but i was doing really well. so well that i was starting to worry i wouldn't have anything to write about on here. (ha!)

then, it happened. my selfishness reared it's ugly head, drama followed. and guess who i hurt, again? yup. seth.

it takes two, i know. but i also know that i'm older, have more relational experience than him, and my heart wasn't involved the way his was. i should have been helping him guard his heart, but i wasn't.

seth became single again shortly before new year's (the girl he'd gone a few dates with said she wasn't feeling it, and he admitted he wasn't either). we fell back into our usual pattern of texting, talking on the phone and hanging out. one night we went out with a bunch of our friends, drank more than we should have (remember that bit about not conforming to the patterns of this world? yeah, this is why), and, well.... we ended up making out on my couch. and i ended up breaking his heart. again. we talked after it happened, and i thought we both understood that it was a mistake. but just like last time, i got a phone call a few days later... turns out we weren't on the same page.

apparently neither one of us learned our lessons the first time. as a friend of mine said, seth needed to learn to stop throwing himself in front of the bus. and i needed to learn to stop driving it by his house all the time.

now seth and i aren't talking. after the second 'breakup' we decided that this time it'd be best if we took a break. neither one of us had been doing a very good job of guarding his heart when we were together. i told him i didn't want to hear from him for at least a month or two. (last time he called me the next week, saying he was 'ok.')

the making out part was bad enough. i felt pretty guilty about that. but breaking my friend's heart again because i was selfish and careless? that hit me like a ton of bricks.

it's amazing what crap can happen when i choose things that are outside of god's plans. when i think i can do things my way, and it won't matter. i'm convinced now more than i ever was before that i really want to yield to god in this area of my life, 110%. i think i was yielding the relational area of my life to Him maybe 85%. the 15% i was hanging onto has really wrecked some things in my life (eg my friendship with seth). it turns out that yes, getting needs met in unhealthy ways really is pretty bad and there really are consequences.

so, happy new year, again. for real this time.

learning from my mistakes

i still feel a little guilty, but i have done what i need to do, and i really feel like i've learned this lesson. what exactly is it i've learned? well, when it comes to friends of the opposite sex:
• be open and honest. if you only like the guy as a friend, be sure he knows that.

• don't avoid hard or awkward conversations. i avoided talking about dating or what i was looking for in a guy around seth. i probably did this because on some level i knew he liked me as more than a friend and i enjoyed the attention and didn't want to change anything.

• make sure your actions follow your words. i know that as a christ follower, this should be a no-brainer. but in this context i really think it's extra important. if you're saying we're just friends, then act like it. don't spend all your free time with him. don't be overly flirty with him. don't do overly "coupley" things with him. not sure? then listen to the voices inside you (holy spirit, conscience) and the ones around you. with me and seth, i was definitely hearing voices and ignoring them. both the voice of the holy spirit inside me and the voices of friends who were telling me that he really liked me.

• guard your heart and his. sometimes people don't understand that they're not guarding their hearts, and you have to kind of help them out. i'm not exactly sure what that looks like, but i know i didn't do it with seth. i guess it means that if you have any inkling that your guy 'friend' might like you as more than a friend, be careful. don't take him or the friendship for granted.

i think it all boils down to really serving and loving the other person. putting him and his heart and his feelings first. the last few days i've been thinking about ways i can start practicing that with my friends and family. i've started to pray specifically that i could be less selfish.

want to add anything to the list? comment it!