learning from my mistakes

i still feel a little guilty, but i have done what i need to do, and i really feel like i've learned this lesson. what exactly is it i've learned? well, when it comes to friends of the opposite sex:
• be open and honest. if you only like the guy as a friend, be sure he knows that.

• don't avoid hard or awkward conversations. i avoided talking about dating or what i was looking for in a guy around seth. i probably did this because on some level i knew he liked me as more than a friend and i enjoyed the attention and didn't want to change anything.

• make sure your actions follow your words. i know that as a christ follower, this should be a no-brainer. but in this context i really think it's extra important. if you're saying we're just friends, then act like it. don't spend all your free time with him. don't be overly flirty with him. don't do overly "coupley" things with him. not sure? then listen to the voices inside you (holy spirit, conscience) and the ones around you. with me and seth, i was definitely hearing voices and ignoring them. both the voice of the holy spirit inside me and the voices of friends who were telling me that he really liked me.

• guard your heart and his. sometimes people don't understand that they're not guarding their hearts, and you have to kind of help them out. i'm not exactly sure what that looks like, but i know i didn't do it with seth. i guess it means that if you have any inkling that your guy 'friend' might like you as more than a friend, be careful. don't take him or the friendship for granted.

i think it all boils down to really serving and loving the other person. putting him and his heart and his feelings first. the last few days i've been thinking about ways i can start practicing that with my friends and family. i've started to pray specifically that i could be less selfish.

want to add anything to the list? comment it!

hurting someone sucks

it just does. especially when you know you could have avoided it. of course, i would say that being hurt sucks more. as sad as i feel right now, i'm sure seth probably feel worse.

why do we always think we can take short cuts or be reckless or negligent, and nothing will come of it? i see so many things i shouldn't have done. we were just friends, but i never talked about dating or relationships around him. i avoided topics like that because i knew that they'd create distance. seth admitted last night that he avoided admitting he liked me because he knew that meant he'd lose me. so we both denied and avoided... until suddenly i found myself curled up on the couch with him.

i never want to think i am capable of being as selfish as i was with seth. but i am. such a scary reminder of all the crap that hides in a human heart. i've asked forgiveness from god and seth, and have received it from both. that feels good.

i am hoping and praying that this won't happen again. i'm also hoping and praying seth is able to heal and connect to others, and that at some point we'll be able to be friends again.