i'm not bitter....

but...

ok, maybe i am a little bitter. why does dating happen so easily for some people? yes, i know; you generally don't get to see the whole picture. there are details of other people's lives that often remain hidden, or get over- or under-estimated in the retelling. but allow me to... well, to vent for a just a bit.

so seth is dating this girl. he was set up with her by a coworker. he met her one night while out with a coworker and her friends. then, the next week at work, coworker says, hey seth, what did you think of my friend girl_x? and seth says, um, i don't know, she's cool i guess? and coworker says, do you want to take her out? seth replies, um, ok? coworker had already had a similar conversation with girl_x, and she is agreeable to going on a date with seth. coworker gives seth girl_x's number.

fast forward... basically, all he has to do is call her and ask her out. he does. they go. it's great. overnight, stoic seth turns into googly seth. now, don't get me wrong... i am seriously so excited for him. it's great. they've been on 3 dates, and every time i get to hear how well things are going from seth, and how much he thinks he likes her, and how she left her hat in his car so he held it ransom for a goodnight kiss (yeah, i know, you want to puke too, right? right?!). and seriously, seth is an awesome guy and this is great that this is going so well for him. at one point when i was telling him how excited i was for him he laughed and said that he wondered if i was more excited than he was. (i seriously doubt that!) but yeah, i am pumped for him. it's great to see things work out for someone, especially someone as awesome and solid as seth.

but at the same time that i'm excited, it's also tough. seth is 25, almost 26. i'm 28. he hasn't dated much at all; this girl was his first date in six years, i think he said. so, his first date in six years, and it's AWESOME. and he does like next to no work! this girl just falls from the sky, into his lap, and boom! it's awesome. what the crap!?!? yes, i know, they're not married yet; it's only been 3 dates. but i admit it; i'm a little jealous. how many random annoying dates have i gone on? how much work have i put into this? how many books have i read, conversations have i struggled through, and for what? i know, i know, it's the journey. and yeah, i've learned a heck of a lot.

so maybe i am a little bitter. i guess i should i probably go pray and ask god to take that away. i don't like feeling that way, but can you blame me? i'm sorry. i'll be better tomorrow. promise.

in a dark room with no door

a lot of times i feel like there are big chunks of the christian walk that are in the dark. or at least the details are. that whole 'trust god' thing. it's so frustrating sometimes.

being single for such a long time feels a lot like being in the dark. it's like i'm groping around inside a small, pitch black room looking for a light switch. i feel like i've been over every freaking inch of this room, but i can't find the stupid switch! or maybe the door handle; that might be a better metaphor. on some level, i know and believe that god will open the door when the time is right, but...

BUT. but sometimes it's so hard to trust! and what do i do in the meantime? like i said, i feel like i have been over every last inch of this room, and everything seems fine (except that i can't find the handle or the light switch!). sure it's dark, but from what i can feel, everything's kosher, ready for guests (or, a guest. of the male persuasion). i've racked my brain wondering what's wrong, what do i need to fix or change or learn to get the lights on and the door open? maybe nothing. maybe god just wants me to stop feeling around the room and freaking out and over-analyzing and just hang out with him for awhile. maybe he wants me to walk away from my questions and toward him.

i've spent a lot of time on questions and i've gone through some really bitter and frustrating times in the last 6 to 12 months. i focused on myself and on 'why me, lord?! what did i do to deserve this?! why am i still single?' i lost sight of god and his love for me, and i was miserable!

eventually i got sick of being bitter and cynical and miserable, and things started to change. maybe i'll post more on that process another time, but the shift started to happen when i admitted to god that i needed to trust him more. i admitted to him that, yeah, he knows better, and yeah he loves me very much, so why i am walking around thinking that i'm left out or forgotten or god wants to punish me?

once i shifted my focus back to him, the transforming of my heart started. i'm reading my bible more and spending more time with god. and i know it sounds so cliche, but the words are coming alive and i am wanting them imprinted on my heart. and i think this is exactly what my god wanted; me walking away from my question and toward him.

you're in the dark room with me, god. you have been all along. you called to me quietly while i tried every single thing and read every single book in my attempts to get out. you waited, sitting in the middle of the floor until i was so frustrated i gave up and came over and sat down next to you. and finally, i think i'm seeing that this is what i really want; to sit next to you in the dark with no other distractions. to just hang out and reconnect with you. to remember how much you love me and how fulfilling you are. and then, if the door opens and someone else comes in, great. if not, that's ok too. i trust you.