not dating just to date

i haven't texted hockey guy for several days now, and he hasn't texted me, either. so far so good. hopefully he gets the message.

i'm not saying it'd be totally awful to go out with him, but i think i'm just at the point where going out with a guy who doesn't exhibit love for christ is a waste of time for me and a waste of money (and time) for him. i mean, hockey dude seemed like a nice guy, but after talking to him for most of the game, and mentioning the church i go to regularly and the one i went to portland to check out, i could tell we weren't on the same page. i've done the missionary dating thing before; i'm not a fan, and i don't want to do it again.

i think i'm in a place where i don't need to date just to date anymore. i know myself really well. while i might not know exactly what i want, i trust that god knows what i need, and i definitely know what i don't want. my time of dating served me pretty well. at this point in my life i think i have better things to do with my time. if it's obvious after one interaction that a guy doesn't have a strong, growing relationship with christ then i don't need to go on a date with him. besides, generally once i know a guy doesn't have a solid faith, any attraction i have for him starts to fade.

happy 2008

hooray! i love the beginning of a new year. why? it's like a giant reset button. even though nothing really dramatic has happened, i like the idea that i'm starting over. i have the whole year ahead of me, and i am refreshed and brand new. there are twelve moths of possibilities stretching ahead of me!

last year one of my new year's resolutions was 'date someone.' ha. i purposely left it kind of vague. the idea behind the resolution was to get out and meet someone worth spending more than one evening with. looking back now, it kind of happened. i spent time with a guy friend who wanted to 'get to know me better' back in the spring. i think i knew before it started that it wouldn't work out, but he was so completely different from people i'd dated in the past that i had to be sure there wasn't any chemistry. besides, whether or not we actually dated is still up for debate. he was kinda wishy-washy about it; we always went dutch or just 'hung out.' looking back i'm kinda surprised i put up with it, but like i said, he was really different, and actually really quality, so i guess it wasn't a big deal.

this year, i have no relationship-related resolutions (say that three times fast). i'm done with those. they just feel so fake. do i hope i date someone? yes, very much. but it's not in my hands. it's completely up to god. i don't mean that in a fatalistic way. i just mean that instead of focusing on what i can do to meet someone and move toward marriage, i'm focusing on god. he has the power, and i am tired of floundering around and freaking out. i guess you could say my goal for this year is to relax—to rest in him and trust that he's taking care of the situation.

even just writing that, i feel more free. free to try new things, or spend time with my married friends and my friends who have kids. free to hope and believe that he'll bring me the best, no matter where i am or how i feel.

do you have any relationship related goals or resolutions for 2008?

asking for what you're not sure you'll get

i was journaling/praying/thinking the other night and a question popped into my head; should i pray for a spouse when i don't really know that i'll ever get one? i sat and thought about it some, and before i finally went to bed, i was leaning more toward a yes, although not a solid yes.

the next day the question bounced around my head a little more. i was still leaning toward yes, but i didn't have any solid reasons on which to stand yet. that night my friend tom, who is 40 and single, called to talk about an upcoming party he and i are helping plan. i asked him my question, and he agreed that the answer was yes. he had some good reasons, too.

tom said that asking god to bring him a spouse keeps him from worrying about it too much. that it reminds him that god is in control and that it's His job to bring tom and his future wife together. i really liked that. he said praying for a spouse freed him up to think about and act on other things, instead of worrying where to go and what to do and how to meet the right person.

we also talked about the fact that well, you're supposed to ask god for things. you're supposed to take all things to him in prayer. especially things that you really really want. and we're supposed to have faith like a child. kids believe in things that are completely impossible. me getting married is very possible... why not just believe it will happen?

after we talked, i also started to think about how much happier i've been since i've started to live my life like i really believe everything god says to be true about me (ie that i'm his wonderful creation, that i'm worth a lot, that i'm talented and gifted, that i'm here for a reason, etc). i'm just happier. more confident. i feel like i'm growing and understanding Him more.

it doesn't seem like that big of a jump to apply all of that stuff to the whole spouse seeking thing. i could just relax, take my desires to god in prayer as often as i want, and live with confidence that He's taking care of it. i could be wrong, but it seems like me praying more can't be a bad thing. maybe more prayer would open the communication channels up and i'd get better at hearing god when he's trying to speak to me.

plus, i like picturing myself with that kind of faith. it's cool! it makes me feel good to think about just believing with total certainty that god will bring me together with a tall, jesus-loving, awesome guy. it gives me a strong sense of peace.

(ps evan how's that for not venting!?!)

waiting, obeying, trusting

recently at church the sermons have been christmas/advent related, as most sermons are this time of year. one in particular talked about how waiting can be really difficult, and then segued into how during times of waiting, god often asks us to obey him even though we don't fully understand why or what or how.

i'm well acquainted with waiting. i've been waiting for marriage for quite some time now. and i'm getting a lot better about the whole 'obey now, ask questions later' part. for the first time, i want to not only obey god, i want to obey him gladly. cheerfully, even. with full faith and hope that obeying him now and making hard decisions is in both of our best interests. with full faith and hope that the best really is yet to come.

it seems like it's a lot easier to obey god and be hopeful when, oh, say for example, i think there's a possibility on the horizon with someone like vb dude. now that he's out of the picture, it's a little more difficult. i'm doing ok, (much much better than i would have done a year ago, that's for sure), but i still have to fend off the doubts and the bad thoughts that creep up. and i have to fight hard to keep god's promises in my head.

it's really easy to slip back into believing that the past determines the future; i've been single forever, no relationship ever works out, why would anything change? even as i typed that sentence, and now as i reread it, it really scares me. it's a powerful lie used to disarm me, i think. but that's not who i am. god has made me new, he works in me more and more every day, and he determines my future. i have firm faith that my father in heaven who gives all good gifts has good gifts for me. gifts beyond my wildest dreams.

dating: work or wait?

i'm still thinking on this. why? maybe because i've tried both tactics, and so far neither one has yielded a spouse. the working thing, however, has yielded my trying new things (volleyball), meeting new people, and several mediocre dates. well, and that whole 'learning about yourself' thing. that was pretty important.

maybe working at meeting someone and trusting god are not mutually exclusive. maybe i can do both. work at meeting a guy while trusting god he'll introduce me to someone cool? woah. groundbreaking, eh? not really, i know. living with the tension, as bev so wisely pointed out to me in her comment on the previous post.

i'm also thinking it would be better if i didn't look at situations as so black and white. no, dating lots of different guys didn't immediately lead to me meeting a husband, and yes, that's kind of frustrating. but i learned about myself, learned about men, and i now have some more random stories to tell. same thing with not dating; i just have less stories from that time. neither one was all bad or all good.

it'd probably be a good thing if i pushed myself to try some different activities in an attempt to meet some new prospects. even if i don't meet anyone, other good almost always comes from trying new activities/service projects/etc. i have to admit i feel kind of lame when i think, oh, i'm trying random activity x so i can meet some guys, and i'm not sure why. it feels kind of fake or something. i think that's my own crap to get over, probably, though.

who needs friends like Job's?

one thing that continually bothers me about the whole marriage mandate movement is how much like Job's friends they sound when arguing their point. i mean, correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't debbie maken and friends basically telling me that if i'm of a certain age and not married, then i'm doing something wrong? maybe they're not. maybe i'm taking their argument too far. i'll have to dig up that book again.

that thought pattern makes me think of Job's friends telling him to just confess whatever sin he hasn't confessed so that god will start blessing him again. right, guys. i don't think that's how it works. i'm pretty sure i'm not single because god's punishing me. i'm glad i don't have any 'friends' like that.

i'm pretty sure that i am right where i'm supposed to be, living inside of god's will, and clinging to his promises. i'm also pretty sure that there are a lot of people who don't get what they want, but discover other equally amazing things. different, but still amazing.

yes, there's a problem in that the secular world is still making empty to promises that some of us young christians fall prey to when we know we shouldn't. but stuff like that has been happening since the fall. the current iteration of empty promises tells us we should live for ourselves and put off marriage so we can sleep with whoever and spend our money on whatever.

and yes, there's a problem in the way the church often responds to singles with a lack of compassion and understanding. many of us have had our requests for help in finding a spouse met with coldness or disbelief.

but none of that changes the fact that sometimes god allows us to live without things that we desperately want. and it's for our own good. i don't know why he's letting me be single and 28 while most of my close girlfriends get to be married and 28. but i know that i have to trust. and i have to choose to walk with the sadness and yet not let it turn to bitterness.

i trust you god. i don't always like what you're giving me, but i trust that it is my daily bread. today, i was single. tomorrow, i'll probably still be single. and that's all i'm going to think about.

the hope of our faith

i'm a big fan of rick mckinley and what god is doing through him and his church, imago dei, in portland, oregon. i read his book, this beautiful mess, and thought it was fantastic. i highly recommend it.

i also frequently listen to his sermons via podcast. one that really impacted me is called Abraham, the Hope of Our Faith, from 9/2/07.

often i hear people talking about the how 'marriage (and/or sex) is the idol of the single person.' i have to agree with that. i think it's really easy for us to bank all of our hope in the idea that one day we'll be 'fulfilled .' as a woman, i have been looking forward to my wedding day since at least junior high. many of my girlfriends spent their childhood years dressing up as a 'bride' and then 'walking down the aisle.' (i was kind of a tomboy, so i don't really remember ever doing that).

even over the last few years, i have found myself thinking, man, i can't WAIT till i am married, only to have that thought followed by and then... what? as in, ok, then what do i have to look forward to?

of course there is nothing really wrong with looking forward to being married. i still do, very much. but after listening to rick's message, i started to wonder if too much of my hope was on that one earthly, temporal thing. is my hope in marriage eclipsing the hope of my faith? what is the hope of my faith, anyway?

i want the hope of my faith to be god and his promises. i want him to be my security. i want to say 'i can't wait to get to heaven.' i want that to be the most exciting thing; the thing that sends shudders down my spine when i think about it. i'm definitely not there yet.

rick asks the pointed question, what do you do when the promise isn't fulfilled? he points out that all the amazing people named in hebrews 11 and notes that the author of hebrews says that those people lived by faith without the fulfillment of the promise. that was huge for me. if god doesn't provide me a husband, or doesn't provide one for the next 10 to 20 years, what will i do? how will that affect my faith? is my faith in my preferred future or in god?

the people in hebrews 11 had faith in god. their hope was vested in eternal promises, not promises that the world was making. god brought them ultimate security. they could see and welcome god's promises in the future, even though they couldn't touch them.

i could go on, but rick says it better. listen to his sermon. then ask yourself what your hope (your security) is in. and how does your faith engage your hope?

i hope to be married someday. but i don't want to put my security there.

and sometimes joy leads to revelation

i've been thinking a lot about the 'gift of singleness' and the 'marriage mandate' arguments lately. (as you might be able to tell from my posts). the bottom line for me has become that it's not about the gift, it's about the giver.

i have wanted the gift of marriage for soooo long. actually, i've been wanting a lot of different gifts for a long time. i just feel like i'm in the same place, with the same stuff. i have cried and begged and pleaded, as recently as saturday night even, for an end to singleness, a change in my job, something, anything. just a freaking gift!

but god has had something else in mind. he's been trying to give me more of him. for a long time, i didn't think i really wanted more of him. i'm fine how i am, god. just give me a husband! i don't need stronger character or a more intimate relationship with you. i don't really want to pursue you intensely or be obedient. i'll give you half-ass. and in return, i want quality! and maybe i'll think about growing and loving you more later.

it took me a long time to realize that the gifts without the giver are worthless and sickening. my attempts to fill my loneliness on my own terms just made me feel worse. nothing satisfies like god.

and i'm getting it now. i am so excited because i'm wanting god more than i have in a long time. i'm wanting on of those amazing, dynamic relationships with him that i've heard about. and i'm ready to put him first. words like obedience and sacrifice are coming more readily into my mind than they ever have before. i think that's how i can tell that things are changing. maybe i won't be married for a while yet; instead i'll be getting to know my god more and more intimately. wow!

i know the gifts will follow the giver. i don't see them yet, but that's ok; that's what faith is. i still trust.

so what do you want more? what are you focusing on more? i can tell you that focusing on the gifts doesn't bring much happiness. maybe it isn't about the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness or even how to get a date worth keeping (though that is definitely an important skill set to have!). maybe it's about pursuing the giver no matter what he has or hasn't given you, and trusting that the best is yet to come.

joy indeed comes in the morning

last night (well, around 1 AM this morning) i just fell apart. hormones, exhaustion, and lack of faith all came into play. and i've decided that debbie maken's freaking book did, too.

but today i woke and spent time with god and feel so much better. and i realized what i hate about debbie's book! it's the negativity. and it's the fact that she does not speak to the fact that maybe some of us are right where we are supposed to be.

in my dark times, sure, i forget, or lose sight or whatever you want to call it. but most of the time i know: i am right here and single for a reason. i don't know what it is and that is frustrating, yes. but it's like i feel it in my bones; i am not going to meet anyone special in the near future. i don't know what it is, but god is leading me toward something. maybe it's a closer relationship with him. maybe it's some kind of specific ministry. i don't know.

but i do know very surely that i need to trust him and stop freaking out about this! last night one of my friends again reminded me that i just need to stop looking. and as trite as that piece of advice is, and as much as i hate to admit it, he's right. god wants my focus on him right now, i know that. it's like he's saying, please just trust me and seek me, THEN all the rest will be given unto you.

ok god. i get it. i'm sorry. sometimes i am so obstinate and want to just be satisfied and done. i'm sorry about those times. i'm sorry about my weak will. but i do really want you more than anything else. please don't give up on me yet! keep leading me toward you and the things you have for me.

as for maken and others who write on these things, sometimes it's not about which position is biblical or what is wrong with the church or single men or women. sometimes it's about having compassion on those of us who desperately want something and haven't gotten it yet. a little compassion goes a long way.

the 'gift' of singleness?

wow! so i had no idea this was such a hot topic. yes, i've read all the books; debbie maken's, a bunch by elisabeth elliott, dr. cloud, etc. i've had a lot of internal struggle too. but i had no idea how hotly the (online) christian single community would debate the 'gift' of singleness vs. the 'marriage mandate.'

personally, i see some of both sides. i agree that marriage is god's design for most of us. and i agree that a lot of us are kidding ourselves when we expect service, friends, careers, etc to fill our desires for a husband/wife.

but i see a dangerous slope, which i'm sure others have discussed. as a single person, it's really easy for me to be so focused on my situation that i lose site of my god and the gifts he's given me. is singleness a gift he's given me? well, yes, for right now it certainly is. i very much want to be married (so much so... i'm sure future posts will go into more detail about the tears i've cried and the stupid things i've done out of that wanting). but, right now, i'm single. and it is obvious to me that this is where god wants me. am i happy about it? not always, but i want to be.

am i open to dates? yes (to some extent, but that's another post). am i constantly trying to grow to become the kind of mate i hope to have someday? yes! (dear god, i have read so many books, tried so many things! ha.) BUT, i am also asking god why he has me here. why have i been single for so long? why do i have this feeling in my heart that i'm in this unique place of prolonged singleness for a reason? to quote a recent sermon i heard, maybe 'my misery is my ministry.' we'll see. again, perhaps more on that later.

all of that to say that it's a combination. yes, we live in a fallen world where men and women are failing each other all of the time. and yes, satan is attacking through secular culture and other assorted ways. yes, i mourn the fact that i am 28, still a virgin, and my body is starting to age. some things just suck! but, i can't give up. i have to hold on to hope. i have to believe that he has a plan. that:

'Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

(Habakkuk 3:17-18)

so that's what i think. care to comment?

in a dark room with no door

a lot of times i feel like there are big chunks of the christian walk that are in the dark. or at least the details are. that whole 'trust god' thing. it's so frustrating sometimes.

being single for such a long time feels a lot like being in the dark. it's like i'm groping around inside a small, pitch black room looking for a light switch. i feel like i've been over every freaking inch of this room, but i can't find the stupid switch! or maybe the door handle; that might be a better metaphor. on some level, i know and believe that god will open the door when the time is right, but...

BUT. but sometimes it's so hard to trust! and what do i do in the meantime? like i said, i feel like i have been over every last inch of this room, and everything seems fine (except that i can't find the handle or the light switch!). sure it's dark, but from what i can feel, everything's kosher, ready for guests (or, a guest. of the male persuasion). i've racked my brain wondering what's wrong, what do i need to fix or change or learn to get the lights on and the door open? maybe nothing. maybe god just wants me to stop feeling around the room and freaking out and over-analyzing and just hang out with him for awhile. maybe he wants me to walk away from my questions and toward him.

i've spent a lot of time on questions and i've gone through some really bitter and frustrating times in the last 6 to 12 months. i focused on myself and on 'why me, lord?! what did i do to deserve this?! why am i still single?' i lost sight of god and his love for me, and i was miserable!

eventually i got sick of being bitter and cynical and miserable, and things started to change. maybe i'll post more on that process another time, but the shift started to happen when i admitted to god that i needed to trust him more. i admitted to him that, yeah, he knows better, and yeah he loves me very much, so why i am walking around thinking that i'm left out or forgotten or god wants to punish me?

once i shifted my focus back to him, the transforming of my heart started. i'm reading my bible more and spending more time with god. and i know it sounds so cliche, but the words are coming alive and i am wanting them imprinted on my heart. and i think this is exactly what my god wanted; me walking away from my question and toward him.

you're in the dark room with me, god. you have been all along. you called to me quietly while i tried every single thing and read every single book in my attempts to get out. you waited, sitting in the middle of the floor until i was so frustrated i gave up and came over and sat down next to you. and finally, i think i'm seeing that this is what i really want; to sit next to you in the dark with no other distractions. to just hang out and reconnect with you. to remember how much you love me and how fulfilling you are. and then, if the door opens and someone else comes in, great. if not, that's ok too. i trust you.

single/certain: me

i'm a christ follower in my late twenties. i'm female, taller than average, i like design, art, music videos, sparkling wines, and great jeans, among other things. i'm also single, and i have been for most of my adult life. when i say single, i mean, like, not in any kind of romantic relationship. i've had 2 relationships in my adult life; neither lasted more than about 3 or 4 months.

in spite of my singleness (well, probably because of my singleness) i've been a student of relationships since college. i've become the friend my other friends come to for advice, i'm the one recommending the latest relationship or christian psychology book, i'm the one suggesting that my married friends learn to fight fairly.

so that's a little bit of me.... but, why this blog? i've been yearning for a place for single people for a long time. a place where no one will tell us that we need to get married, or ask if we're seeing anyone. where our married friends won't try and set us up with anyone and everyone. where our friends won't secretly (or not so secretly) wonder what's wrong with us that we haven't found someone yet.

if you're single, i want you to know that you are ok just the way you are. that god loves you and has a plan for your life. you weren't forgotten, left out, or cosmically screwed over. there is a plan! maybe it involves meeting someone special soon, maybe not. maybe he wants to teach you things or prune things or give you something else special first. i don't know. but i do know that there is nothing wrong with you, and that you are not alone.

i'm not here to tell you exactly how to not be single anymore, or give you the formula for how to meet 'the one.' but i will share with you about my dating experiences, books i've read, my hopes and fears, and maybe even some of the really embarrassing stories about guys i've gone on dates with. (we'll see about that last one...)

i hope that by sharing my struggles and the things that god has been teaching me, it will help someone. i feel like i've learned a lot and learn more and more all the time. comment, ask questions, read away. shoot me emails, too, if you like. and know that i'm praying for you.