happy 2008

hooray! i love the beginning of a new year. why? it's like a giant reset button. even though nothing really dramatic has happened, i like the idea that i'm starting over. i have the whole year ahead of me, and i am refreshed and brand new. there are twelve moths of possibilities stretching ahead of me!

last year one of my new year's resolutions was 'date someone.' ha. i purposely left it kind of vague. the idea behind the resolution was to get out and meet someone worth spending more than one evening with. looking back now, it kind of happened. i spent time with a guy friend who wanted to 'get to know me better' back in the spring. i think i knew before it started that it wouldn't work out, but he was so completely different from people i'd dated in the past that i had to be sure there wasn't any chemistry. besides, whether or not we actually dated is still up for debate. he was kinda wishy-washy about it; we always went dutch or just 'hung out.' looking back i'm kinda surprised i put up with it, but like i said, he was really different, and actually really quality, so i guess it wasn't a big deal.

this year, i have no relationship-related resolutions (say that three times fast). i'm done with those. they just feel so fake. do i hope i date someone? yes, very much. but it's not in my hands. it's completely up to god. i don't mean that in a fatalistic way. i just mean that instead of focusing on what i can do to meet someone and move toward marriage, i'm focusing on god. he has the power, and i am tired of floundering around and freaking out. i guess you could say my goal for this year is to relax—to rest in him and trust that he's taking care of the situation.

even just writing that, i feel more free. free to try new things, or spend time with my married friends and my friends who have kids. free to hope and believe that he'll bring me the best, no matter where i am or how i feel.

do you have any relationship related goals or resolutions for 2008?

dating: work or wait?

i'm still thinking on this. why? maybe because i've tried both tactics, and so far neither one has yielded a spouse. the working thing, however, has yielded my trying new things (volleyball), meeting new people, and several mediocre dates. well, and that whole 'learning about yourself' thing. that was pretty important.

maybe working at meeting someone and trusting god are not mutually exclusive. maybe i can do both. work at meeting a guy while trusting god he'll introduce me to someone cool? woah. groundbreaking, eh? not really, i know. living with the tension, as bev so wisely pointed out to me in her comment on the previous post.

i'm also thinking it would be better if i didn't look at situations as so black and white. no, dating lots of different guys didn't immediately lead to me meeting a husband, and yes, that's kind of frustrating. but i learned about myself, learned about men, and i now have some more random stories to tell. same thing with not dating; i just have less stories from that time. neither one was all bad or all good.

it'd probably be a good thing if i pushed myself to try some different activities in an attempt to meet some new prospects. even if i don't meet anyone, other good almost always comes from trying new activities/service projects/etc. i have to admit i feel kind of lame when i think, oh, i'm trying random activity x so i can meet some guys, and i'm not sure why. it feels kind of fake or something. i think that's my own crap to get over, probably, though.

more work? less work? i have no idea

i am comforted by the thought that god can do whatever he wants to do no matter what i do, because a lot of the time, i just don't know what to do.

on one hand, i want to wait on god. i want to be patient enough to let him do his thing without me messing anything up. i want my future husband to notice me because of who i am; my character, kindness, quirkyness, even my physical beauty. i don't want to feel like i have to scheme and plot and throw myself in front of him in order to get his attention.

on the other hand, i know guys aren't perfect. i know they can be insecure and that girls can be intimidating. i also know that most of them appreciate a sign from a girl who is open and interested. plus i don't want to miss out on something because i am sitting on my butt waiting for some dude to drop out of the sky. plus i don't want to put unrealistic (or maybe a better word is ungodly) expectations on a guy or on a future relationship.

i'm having trouble figuring out how much work or focus on dating is too much, or not enough, or just right. i used to think a relationship would just happen; it'd be a natural thing. i'd be doing my thing and some great godly guy would be doing his thing and our paths would cross somehow. there'd be some kind of mutual interest and then something would develop. but now i'm a little confused. i still want it to happen that way.... it's just not. i've been doing my thing for quite some time and it hasn't worked yet.

then i hear things that make me think i need to work at this more. don't get me wrong, i've done some work. i've taken multiple shots at internet dating, i've gone on a lot of dates with a lot of random guys, and i feel like i'm really open and outgoing. i meet new people relatively often. a while back evan emailed me and said he'd heard james dobson on the radio saying that if he really wanted to be married, he'd be working hard at it. he'd be going to new places and hanging with new people if he didn't see any options in sight. as in, if there's no fish in your little pond, go find a new pond. evan said that dobson was saying he would relocate to find love, move to another city, find new clubs or organizations, join a new church, reach out to new people.

woah. that's a lot of work. and i struggle with that. i really do want to be married. should i completely change my life and social habits if i'm not meeting anyone worth dating? should i focus on it more? or should i just let go, and instead focus on loving and serving god? it does seem like there are a lot of people who meet someone great when they least expect it; when they let go of searching and just live for a while.

ok. i'm going to marinate on this some more. you do the same.

who needs friends like Job's?

one thing that continually bothers me about the whole marriage mandate movement is how much like Job's friends they sound when arguing their point. i mean, correct me if i'm wrong, but aren't debbie maken and friends basically telling me that if i'm of a certain age and not married, then i'm doing something wrong? maybe they're not. maybe i'm taking their argument too far. i'll have to dig up that book again.

that thought pattern makes me think of Job's friends telling him to just confess whatever sin he hasn't confessed so that god will start blessing him again. right, guys. i don't think that's how it works. i'm pretty sure i'm not single because god's punishing me. i'm glad i don't have any 'friends' like that.

i'm pretty sure that i am right where i'm supposed to be, living inside of god's will, and clinging to his promises. i'm also pretty sure that there are a lot of people who don't get what they want, but discover other equally amazing things. different, but still amazing.

yes, there's a problem in that the secular world is still making empty to promises that some of us young christians fall prey to when we know we shouldn't. but stuff like that has been happening since the fall. the current iteration of empty promises tells us we should live for ourselves and put off marriage so we can sleep with whoever and spend our money on whatever.

and yes, there's a problem in the way the church often responds to singles with a lack of compassion and understanding. many of us have had our requests for help in finding a spouse met with coldness or disbelief.

but none of that changes the fact that sometimes god allows us to live without things that we desperately want. and it's for our own good. i don't know why he's letting me be single and 28 while most of my close girlfriends get to be married and 28. but i know that i have to trust. and i have to choose to walk with the sadness and yet not let it turn to bitterness.

i trust you god. i don't always like what you're giving me, but i trust that it is my daily bread. today, i was single. tomorrow, i'll probably still be single. and that's all i'm going to think about.

and sometimes joy leads to revelation

i've been thinking a lot about the 'gift of singleness' and the 'marriage mandate' arguments lately. (as you might be able to tell from my posts). the bottom line for me has become that it's not about the gift, it's about the giver.

i have wanted the gift of marriage for soooo long. actually, i've been wanting a lot of different gifts for a long time. i just feel like i'm in the same place, with the same stuff. i have cried and begged and pleaded, as recently as saturday night even, for an end to singleness, a change in my job, something, anything. just a freaking gift!

but god has had something else in mind. he's been trying to give me more of him. for a long time, i didn't think i really wanted more of him. i'm fine how i am, god. just give me a husband! i don't need stronger character or a more intimate relationship with you. i don't really want to pursue you intensely or be obedient. i'll give you half-ass. and in return, i want quality! and maybe i'll think about growing and loving you more later.

it took me a long time to realize that the gifts without the giver are worthless and sickening. my attempts to fill my loneliness on my own terms just made me feel worse. nothing satisfies like god.

and i'm getting it now. i am so excited because i'm wanting god more than i have in a long time. i'm wanting on of those amazing, dynamic relationships with him that i've heard about. and i'm ready to put him first. words like obedience and sacrifice are coming more readily into my mind than they ever have before. i think that's how i can tell that things are changing. maybe i won't be married for a while yet; instead i'll be getting to know my god more and more intimately. wow!

i know the gifts will follow the giver. i don't see them yet, but that's ok; that's what faith is. i still trust.

so what do you want more? what are you focusing on more? i can tell you that focusing on the gifts doesn't bring much happiness. maybe it isn't about the gift of marriage or the gift of singleness or even how to get a date worth keeping (though that is definitely an important skill set to have!). maybe it's about pursuing the giver no matter what he has or hasn't given you, and trusting that the best is yet to come.

in a dark room with no door

a lot of times i feel like there are big chunks of the christian walk that are in the dark. or at least the details are. that whole 'trust god' thing. it's so frustrating sometimes.

being single for such a long time feels a lot like being in the dark. it's like i'm groping around inside a small, pitch black room looking for a light switch. i feel like i've been over every freaking inch of this room, but i can't find the stupid switch! or maybe the door handle; that might be a better metaphor. on some level, i know and believe that god will open the door when the time is right, but...

BUT. but sometimes it's so hard to trust! and what do i do in the meantime? like i said, i feel like i have been over every last inch of this room, and everything seems fine (except that i can't find the handle or the light switch!). sure it's dark, but from what i can feel, everything's kosher, ready for guests (or, a guest. of the male persuasion). i've racked my brain wondering what's wrong, what do i need to fix or change or learn to get the lights on and the door open? maybe nothing. maybe god just wants me to stop feeling around the room and freaking out and over-analyzing and just hang out with him for awhile. maybe he wants me to walk away from my questions and toward him.

i've spent a lot of time on questions and i've gone through some really bitter and frustrating times in the last 6 to 12 months. i focused on myself and on 'why me, lord?! what did i do to deserve this?! why am i still single?' i lost sight of god and his love for me, and i was miserable!

eventually i got sick of being bitter and cynical and miserable, and things started to change. maybe i'll post more on that process another time, but the shift started to happen when i admitted to god that i needed to trust him more. i admitted to him that, yeah, he knows better, and yeah he loves me very much, so why i am walking around thinking that i'm left out or forgotten or god wants to punish me?

once i shifted my focus back to him, the transforming of my heart started. i'm reading my bible more and spending more time with god. and i know it sounds so cliche, but the words are coming alive and i am wanting them imprinted on my heart. and i think this is exactly what my god wanted; me walking away from my question and toward him.

you're in the dark room with me, god. you have been all along. you called to me quietly while i tried every single thing and read every single book in my attempts to get out. you waited, sitting in the middle of the floor until i was so frustrated i gave up and came over and sat down next to you. and finally, i think i'm seeing that this is what i really want; to sit next to you in the dark with no other distractions. to just hang out and reconnect with you. to remember how much you love me and how fulfilling you are. and then, if the door opens and someone else comes in, great. if not, that's ok too. i trust you.