singleness as second place

i generally don't watch romantic comedies. i have a few that i really like, for random reasons, but mostly i avoid them because of the bittersweet feelings i'm left with when they're over.

tonight i caved, and watched 'the wedding planner.' i know, i know. it's a pretty terrible movie. the plotl ine is silly and the the fact that matthew mcconaughey's character doesn't have the guts to dump the girl he doesn't really love really annoys the crap out of me.

as lame as it was, i watched it. and i even found myself on the verge of tears during the part where j. lo has just had a run in with her ex-fiance and his pregnant wife. it really throws her off, and after drowning her sorrows, she finds herself in tears at her apartment with matthew mcconaughey. she notes that she's the poor man's version of the woman her ex-fiance married.

and that really hit me. it's weird that it did, because i haven't really had any one situation like that, where i've been blatantly dumped for another person, nor has anyone ever cheated on me (to my knowledge). but for some reason, i can strongly identify with that i'll only ever be second fiddle feeling.

i guess it's a lack of confidence thing. while i know i have my sh*t together, i can't help feeling that there's a line that divides me from all the women who are marriage material. i've always struggled with this, and while i know it's not true, i don't feel that it's not true. if that makes any sense. plus, my reality doesn't really back it up. i've had one serious relationship as an adult. it lasted about 3 months. reality tells me that i'm better at being single than coupled.

and yes, i know god is bigger than circumstances and situations. i know that he alone can make me happy, blah blah blah. and i take my confidence and singleness struggles to him daily. but it is still hard. and when i am very honest with myself, i have to admit that i still wonder what it is i haven't figured out yet.

believing god's truth about myself

one thing i still struggle with (though i've come very far in this area) is self-confidence. because i am so extroverted, i don't think a lot of people realize it. but i do struggle. it stems from a lot of things, but two things that didn't help much were being too tall and too skinny and awkward growing up, and having a father who was never very good at saying 'i love you' or 'you are beautiful and special and smart.' (though he is a wonderful man whom i love dearly, and he did a great job with what he was given).

i made a comment to a good friend recently that even though i'm an adult, i still often feel like a junior high kid. like i'm stuck somewhere between the cool kids and the outcasts. i want to play with the cool kids, but i cannot bring myself to do anything that would leave out or alienate my 'less cool' friends. it breaks my heart to leave people out. i just want everyone to play together and get along and have fun. as i told all this to my friend, his name's tom, he looked at me funny, and sort of nodded, and that was that.

a few nights ago, a bunch of us were at an AVP tournament (professional volleyball). after the match was over, we stood talking as players walked by and signed autographs. tom was hoping to see his hero, karch kiraly. as we waited, phil dalhausser, who had won the tournament with his partner, walked by and stared right at tom and me as we were talking. i was kind of oblivious, probably because i was too busy staring back at this amazingly tall and handsome professional volleyball player. then, tom poked me and said, hey, dalhausser's checking you out!

my initial reaction was to go yeah, right, tom. but once he said it, it was obvious, even to me. dalhausser was checking me out. and inside, i soared. i probably did outside, too, as since then i've told like 10 people about it. had i been thinking more clearly, i might have wandered over and said 'great game' or something equally brilliant. but instead i just stared, and smiled. and it hit me: there, at the AVP, i was beautiful. all around me, there were tall men and tall women, and i fit in. i looked like one of them!

tom and i were talking on the phone the day after the tournament, making plans for labor day and things like that. we talked about the tournament some, and he mentioned that there was something he wanted to tell me. he said, you know, sc, you're there. you've arrived. you're not that awkward kid on the playground anymore. you're cool, and you're awesome, and you need to start acting like it. of course dallhauser would check you out. you need to be saying, why wouldn't he check me out!? so please, stop feeling like you're not cool. you're not that kid anymore. stop believing the lies and believe god's truth about yourself. that's a paraphrase, but that was the gist of what he said. and it brought tears to my eyes. he was right. and to hear it from someone like tom who loves god and is tall and talented and just a wonderful, manly man; well, that was a real, meaningful burst of truth i needed to hear.

and since then i've been thinking more about what my life would look like if i really believed the truth about myself. if i didn't sometimes let myself get kicked in the pants by comparison and low self esteem. i think i could just shine, all the time, if i really lived on god's promises. he would be able to do so much through me. his kingdom would become so much more real to people around me if i could just forget about myself and know, i mean, really know, in my heart and soul that i am fearfully and wonderfully made.