Sunday, October 21, 2007

singleness as second place

i generally don't watch romantic comedies. i have a few that i really like, for random reasons, but mostly i avoid them because of the bittersweet feelings i'm left with when they're over.

tonight i caved, and watched 'the wedding planner.' i know, i know. it's a pretty terrible movie. the plotl ine is silly and the the fact that matthew mcconaughey's character doesn't have the guts to dump the girl he doesn't really love really annoys the crap out of me.

as lame as it was, i watched it. and i even found myself on the verge of tears during the part where j. lo has just had a run in with her ex-fiance and his pregnant wife. it really throws her off, and after drowning her sorrows, she finds herself in tears at her apartment with matthew mcconaughey. she notes that she's the poor man's version of the woman her ex-fiance married.

and that really hit me. it's weird that it did, because i haven't really had any one situation like that, where i've been blatantly dumped for another person, nor has anyone ever cheated on me (to my knowledge). but for some reason, i can strongly identify with that i'll only ever be second fiddle feeling.

i guess it's a lack of confidence thing. while i know i have my sh*t together, i can't help feeling that there's a line that divides me from all the women who are marriage material. i've always struggled with this, and while i know it's not true, i don't feel that it's not true. if that makes any sense. plus, my reality doesn't really back it up. i've had one serious relationship as an adult. it lasted about 3 months. reality tells me that i'm better at being single than coupled.

and yes, i know god is bigger than circumstances and situations. i know that he alone can make me happy, blah blah blah. and i take my confidence and singleness struggles to him daily. but it is still hard. and when i am very honest with myself, i have to admit that i still wonder what it is i haven't figured out yet.

No comments: