selfishness doesn't help anyone

ok so i really screwed up. i got selfish and now i have to undo some stuff i never should have done. because of it all, i may have lost a friend, and i'm pretty sure i've hurt him.

don't coast. don't avoid the hard conversations. don't assume everything is fine and you can keep doing what you're doing and you'll just get away with it. if you have any kind of a conscience, you won't. and if the word 'defraud' is floating around in your head, probably you're doing something you shouldn't be, and you should stop right away, before you do real damage to someone's heart.

god, i'm sorry. i was selfish again, and have probably hurt a really cool guy by being that way. please give me the strength to say what i need to say, to be mature about it, and give him the strength to hear it and realize that this just isn't meant to be.

more later, after i set things right.

singleness as second place

i generally don't watch romantic comedies. i have a few that i really like, for random reasons, but mostly i avoid them because of the bittersweet feelings i'm left with when they're over.

tonight i caved, and watched 'the wedding planner.' i know, i know. it's a pretty terrible movie. the plotl ine is silly and the the fact that matthew mcconaughey's character doesn't have the guts to dump the girl he doesn't really love really annoys the crap out of me.

as lame as it was, i watched it. and i even found myself on the verge of tears during the part where j. lo has just had a run in with her ex-fiance and his pregnant wife. it really throws her off, and after drowning her sorrows, she finds herself in tears at her apartment with matthew mcconaughey. she notes that she's the poor man's version of the woman her ex-fiance married.

and that really hit me. it's weird that it did, because i haven't really had any one situation like that, where i've been blatantly dumped for another person, nor has anyone ever cheated on me (to my knowledge). but for some reason, i can strongly identify with that i'll only ever be second fiddle feeling.

i guess it's a lack of confidence thing. while i know i have my sh*t together, i can't help feeling that there's a line that divides me from all the women who are marriage material. i've always struggled with this, and while i know it's not true, i don't feel that it's not true. if that makes any sense. plus, my reality doesn't really back it up. i've had one serious relationship as an adult. it lasted about 3 months. reality tells me that i'm better at being single than coupled.

and yes, i know god is bigger than circumstances and situations. i know that he alone can make me happy, blah blah blah. and i take my confidence and singleness struggles to him daily. but it is still hard. and when i am very honest with myself, i have to admit that i still wonder what it is i haven't figured out yet.

i want a medal!

sometimes, i want a medal. i want recognition for being 28, a virgin, and relatively healthy and well-adjusted. and i want to give medals to a whole bunch of my friends. like andy, who's just shy of 40, one of the most godly and handsome men i know, and still single. and my friend lea, who's 32 and arty and fabulous and still single.

i want there to be a big ceremony for me and my single friends at church. or maybe just a sunday where the sermon is all about how to be a good, god-loving single person. how to serve your friends and family, affirmations that you're doing a good job, and that god still loves you. and the pastor would talk about how tough it is; all the crap we have to deal with. all the things geared toward couples and families, the loneliness of coming home to your still-empty apartment or your roommate and her boyfriend watching a movie on the couch. he would tell humorous insightful stories about the single life, and force all the married, divorced and widowed people to listen to them. there'd probably be a story about when you get wedding invitations and you have to deal with that whole 'and guest' thing.

the ceremony/sermon thing would be 'for everybody' the same way all the sermons i've sat through about marriage or kids or in-laws are. but really it would be just for those of us who always have been and still are single. and just for a minute we would secretly feel all full of ourselves and smile at all the clueless faces around us.

(i promise i'm not as bitter as i sound, but, i did say i'd be honest...)