i'm baaaaaack...

hey all! sorry for the silence; i've been thinking about a LOT of things the last few months, and most of them i didn't feel comfortable writing about yet for a few reasons. the biggest reason is that i'm quitting my job. i've known that for a while (since mid september), but didn't want to tell too many people because i didn't think that'd be a good idea. most of the things i've wanted to write about have been related in some way to the gigantic life change i'm making. so i just haven't written anything. kinda lame, i know. :) but no worries; now is the time for all to be revealed.

so.... why am i quitting my job? well, there are TONS of reasons. i've known since the day i started as an associate designer at a interactive marketing agency (translation; doing web & graphic design at an ad agency that mostly does web stuff) that i didn't want to do it forever. but i could never figure out exactly what it was i'd rather be doing. so i stayed and made the most of it, which wasn't too difficult for a while.

now, five years later, after ups and downs and happy times and sad/angry/frustrating times, i've figured it out. or rather, i calmed down and listened to god and he showed me. starting in january, i'll be a full-time graduate student, pursuing a teaching license and masters degree so i can be an art teacher.

i'm so excited. scared, too, but the excitement beats the scared. i know, without a doubt, that this is the path i'm supposed to go down right now. and that is awesome, for so many reasons. i'll be sharing those reaons, too. i'm certain that this career change will affect so many areas of my life and my relationship with god, my friends, and my family.

joy indeed comes in the morning

last night (well, around 1 AM this morning) i just fell apart. hormones, exhaustion, and lack of faith all came into play. and i've decided that debbie maken's freaking book did, too.

but today i woke and spent time with god and feel so much better. and i realized what i hate about debbie's book! it's the negativity. and it's the fact that she does not speak to the fact that maybe some of us are right where we are supposed to be.

in my dark times, sure, i forget, or lose sight or whatever you want to call it. but most of the time i know: i am right here and single for a reason. i don't know what it is and that is frustrating, yes. but it's like i feel it in my bones; i am not going to meet anyone special in the near future. i don't know what it is, but god is leading me toward something. maybe it's a closer relationship with him. maybe it's some kind of specific ministry. i don't know.

but i do know very surely that i need to trust him and stop freaking out about this! last night one of my friends again reminded me that i just need to stop looking. and as trite as that piece of advice is, and as much as i hate to admit it, he's right. god wants my focus on him right now, i know that. it's like he's saying, please just trust me and seek me, THEN all the rest will be given unto you.

ok god. i get it. i'm sorry. sometimes i am so obstinate and want to just be satisfied and done. i'm sorry about those times. i'm sorry about my weak will. but i do really want you more than anything else. please don't give up on me yet! keep leading me toward you and the things you have for me.

as for maken and others who write on these things, sometimes it's not about which position is biblical or what is wrong with the church or single men or women. sometimes it's about having compassion on those of us who desperately want something and haven't gotten it yet. a little compassion goes a long way.