i'm baaaaaack...

hey all! sorry for the silence; i've been thinking about a LOT of things the last few months, and most of them i didn't feel comfortable writing about yet for a few reasons. the biggest reason is that i'm quitting my job. i've known that for a while (since mid september), but didn't want to tell too many people because i didn't think that'd be a good idea. most of the things i've wanted to write about have been related in some way to the gigantic life change i'm making. so i just haven't written anything. kinda lame, i know. :) but no worries; now is the time for all to be revealed.

so.... why am i quitting my job? well, there are TONS of reasons. i've known since the day i started as an associate designer at a interactive marketing agency (translation; doing web & graphic design at an ad agency that mostly does web stuff) that i didn't want to do it forever. but i could never figure out exactly what it was i'd rather be doing. so i stayed and made the most of it, which wasn't too difficult for a while.

now, five years later, after ups and downs and happy times and sad/angry/frustrating times, i've figured it out. or rather, i calmed down and listened to god and he showed me. starting in january, i'll be a full-time graduate student, pursuing a teaching license and masters degree so i can be an art teacher.

i'm so excited. scared, too, but the excitement beats the scared. i know, without a doubt, that this is the path i'm supposed to go down right now. and that is awesome, for so many reasons. i'll be sharing those reaons, too. i'm certain that this career change will affect so many areas of my life and my relationship with god, my friends, and my family.

circumstances change, god's promises don't

when i first started this blog, i would write down snippets of post ideas on post-it notes and stick them in my journal. i came across one this morning that says here, in my singleness, god will appear to me. i am not leaving until i can really see him. underneath that i had written obedience and then underneath that, phil 1:6. woah. i'm not leaving?

philippians 1:6 is a great verse. but i kept reading in philippians, and i came across 1:19-20.

i am continuing to rejoice. i know that what's happened and continues to happen will turn out for my deliverance, my character building, and my being the image of jesus for someone else. the last part of verse 20, with just a simple phrase change, sort of sums it up, for me. below is the passage, with my phrase change in italics....

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether in singleness or in marriage.

if i can't see or experience christ right now, with my circumstances as they are, what makes me think i will be able to experience him more or better with different circumstances? god controls circumstances, not the other way around.

i saw rob bell speak last night. wow. as he reminded me, god is already on my side. it's finished. he's for me. no matter what circumstances now say, thousands of years of history and the stories of those years as told in the bible prove that god is on my side. i have sufficient courage. i will exalt you, christ, no matter what. i want to exalt you. i can honestly say that i would rather stay here and exalt you and understand you and feel my heart wanting to be about what you are about. i would rather have all of that right now than drop it to meet someone and move toward being married.

woah. that is big for me. really big for me.

when you coast you pay the consquences

do you ever catch yourself coasting? like, coasting through a certain area of your life, knowing that you should be working harder, or changing something (e.g. your behavior), or maybe applying yourself a little more?

i've been coasting along for awhile in the area of girl friendships. i know i've been coasting, and for a while i was almost thinking that it was ok, and that maybe this was just what my life was going to look like for a while and there would be no real consequences.

but, i have to admit that while i've been coasting, i've also been feeling the holy spirit speaking very softly to me. it's been a faint impression of the question 'is this really ok?' it sort of floats in and out of my head. when i start to look at some of my actions over the past few months and at the same time consider both my feelings and my hopes for the future, i start to realize that it all doesn't add up to what i want it to be.

i have lots of guy friends. and i love them! they're great. but i don't want to marry any of them (i think i have pretty legitimate reasons, maybe i'll delve into them in another post). i grew up with an older brother and was a total tomboy for a long time, so i think it's just relatively easy for me to relate to men. it's a little more difficult for me to get into close friendships with girls. i can do it, it just takes more work. i've got some baggage with rejection/abandonment (my mom died when i was 19), plus, over the last few years several of my dearest girlfriends have gotten married and either moved away or had a baby or both.

all that to say i am tired. i am tired of establishing meaningful friendships with women and pouring into them only to have them disappear. it's taken a lot out of me. so i think in order to protect myself, i've coasted along with my guy friends because, well, they're easy. they just don't require the work that girl friendships do. plus you get that whole 'i'm appreciated' feeling. but as you probably know, less work equals less reward. i feel very sisterly toward these guys, and that's great, but there's sadness there, too. at least for me. none of my guy friends are 'mine.' i'll have to let them all go someday. i want them to meet and marry wonderful women. when that happens, i'll fade in importance. i know that and am ok with it, but it's still a little tough at times.

there's a level of comfort i can't get to with my guy friends. i miss that; the comfort that comes when you're really close to your roommate and you can stay up late talking in the hallway or just bum around running errands and doing random stuff and not worry that you're spending too much time together and therefore deterring some guy from pursuing you.

i want to have some good girlfriends again, and i will. especially now that the importance of it is sinking in. i'm realizing that it's important for me not to coast. i need to pursue friendships with women, actively seek them out and spend time with them. it's freaking hard, but i know that when i do, more healing will come (both for me and whoever i become friends with) and i feel less lonely.

plus, i want to be married some day. something tells me that when all of my friends are cracking jokes about how much time i spend with seth or evan or james, it doesn't put out this picture of what a great available single woman i am. and heck, it probably doesn't make them look available to other women, either. and i don't want that. for some reason i keep thinking of the word defraud, and i don't want to defraud anyone, nor do i want to be defrauded.

so ok, less time with my boyfriends (who i still love!) and more time developing good girlfriends. i'll stop coasting, god, because i know you have more for me than palling around with random guys for the rest of my life. and because i know that the rewards are so much greater when i step to your challenges, the things that i know are good and right and true.