to keep with the theme...

you can always die a little more, right?

so i put dating in the coffin awhile back and died to it. but as most of you know, dying to yourself and your desires isn’t a one-time thing, it’s a process. a continual process (that’s probably redundant, i know). i am obviously very much still in process.

the latest step of the process has been me giving over another dating-related area of my life/heart to god. for lack of a better word, we’ll call it timing.

i love and trust god. i know his ways and plans and rules are best, for him, for me, and for everyone else. giving over dating gave me a wonderful feeling of peace that transcends worry or any temporary fix i might have come up with myself (funny how the peace of god can do that, huh?)

but until this past weekend, i hadn’t really believed with all my heart and mind and soul that god’s timing for me and marriage was really perfect. i was still holding onto feelings of hurt and bitterness and anger and frustration. i still felt like my singleness was for no good reason. almost like i was serving some singleness sentence, and i didn’t know why.

but god used several events to set me straight. and he did it in such a wonderful way. a very old and very dear friend spoke some encouraging and truthful words to me that got me thinking. we were talking, and i was kind of complaining and hinting at the fact that i felt so far behind all of our friends, life-wise. no marriage, no kids, not even a steady boyfriend. after listening to me for a while, she said, you know, sc, you’ve grown so much in the last four or five years, and so much of that has even been in the last year. the man you might have chosen to be your husband a year or two or three ago would have been very different than the man you would choose now. and that is so awesome! and remember; you still have so many good things to look forward to! i’ve already met the guy, gotten engaged, gotten married, and had my first kid. and it was all wonderful. and you still have all of that to look forward to!

with those words, i started to see my situation in a new light. the next morning, the sermon at church picked up where my friend’s words left off. the pastor was talking about pride and how worry and anxiety can create it. he read from 1 peter 5, and talked about how we’re supposed to give our anxiety and worry to god and replace them in our minds/hearts with god himself. and honestly i’m pretty sure i’ve heard that before, but this time it clicked. put the first things first. put god first and he’ll take care of everything else. trust him with the things you’re most afraid to give up or most worried about, focus on being close to him, and rejoice in the transcending peace he gives. yes, virginia, it is that easy. at least in theory...

after the sermon the pastor initiated some guided prayer. usually these things don’t work so well for me; i can't concentrate or focus with all the people around. but as soon as i bowed my head, i knew what i needed to pray about and give over to god; timing. i gave god all of my anger and hurt and bitterness. i asked for his forgiveness for me holding onto that for so long, and for me believing deep down that i somehow have been getting the short end of the stick, that somehow i know better and think i should have been married by now. i get it god, i told him. you’ve been working in me, even when it didn’t feel like it. i am different now, and i am glad to be different. i trust you; i trust that you have a plan. i believe that all things work for your good in this area of my life.

and then it gets a little weird. i’m not sure about this next part, but i’m going to write about it anyway. my friend’s words from the night before came into my head. you still have all those wonderful things ahead of you: meeting the guy, getting engaged, getting married, having kids… and felt like god was telling me to just relax. i felt him say, you’ll have those things. i want to give them to you. you’ll have a boyfriend, a marriage, a family. i want to give you those things; they are good things, and you want them, and i want you to have them. so just relax and trust me!

it's such a rare thing for me to hear god promise me specific things. but once i started to really give him control of this area of my life, he met me. i took some steps, and he met me. it's given me such peace. whether i get married a year from now or 10 years from now, i know it will happen, and i know that the time until it happens won't be a waste.

asking for what you're not sure you'll get

i was journaling/praying/thinking the other night and a question popped into my head; should i pray for a spouse when i don't really know that i'll ever get one? i sat and thought about it some, and before i finally went to bed, i was leaning more toward a yes, although not a solid yes.

the next day the question bounced around my head a little more. i was still leaning toward yes, but i didn't have any solid reasons on which to stand yet. that night my friend tom, who is 40 and single, called to talk about an upcoming party he and i are helping plan. i asked him my question, and he agreed that the answer was yes. he had some good reasons, too.

tom said that asking god to bring him a spouse keeps him from worrying about it too much. that it reminds him that god is in control and that it's His job to bring tom and his future wife together. i really liked that. he said praying for a spouse freed him up to think about and act on other things, instead of worrying where to go and what to do and how to meet the right person.

we also talked about the fact that well, you're supposed to ask god for things. you're supposed to take all things to him in prayer. especially things that you really really want. and we're supposed to have faith like a child. kids believe in things that are completely impossible. me getting married is very possible... why not just believe it will happen?

after we talked, i also started to think about how much happier i've been since i've started to live my life like i really believe everything god says to be true about me (ie that i'm his wonderful creation, that i'm worth a lot, that i'm talented and gifted, that i'm here for a reason, etc). i'm just happier. more confident. i feel like i'm growing and understanding Him more.

it doesn't seem like that big of a jump to apply all of that stuff to the whole spouse seeking thing. i could just relax, take my desires to god in prayer as often as i want, and live with confidence that He's taking care of it. i could be wrong, but it seems like me praying more can't be a bad thing. maybe more prayer would open the communication channels up and i'd get better at hearing god when he's trying to speak to me.

plus, i like picturing myself with that kind of faith. it's cool! it makes me feel good to think about just believing with total certainty that god will bring me together with a tall, jesus-loving, awesome guy. it gives me a strong sense of peace.

(ps evan how's that for not venting!?!)

joy indeed comes in the morning

last night (well, around 1 AM this morning) i just fell apart. hormones, exhaustion, and lack of faith all came into play. and i've decided that debbie maken's freaking book did, too.

but today i woke and spent time with god and feel so much better. and i realized what i hate about debbie's book! it's the negativity. and it's the fact that she does not speak to the fact that maybe some of us are right where we are supposed to be.

in my dark times, sure, i forget, or lose sight or whatever you want to call it. but most of the time i know: i am right here and single for a reason. i don't know what it is and that is frustrating, yes. but it's like i feel it in my bones; i am not going to meet anyone special in the near future. i don't know what it is, but god is leading me toward something. maybe it's a closer relationship with him. maybe it's some kind of specific ministry. i don't know.

but i do know very surely that i need to trust him and stop freaking out about this! last night one of my friends again reminded me that i just need to stop looking. and as trite as that piece of advice is, and as much as i hate to admit it, he's right. god wants my focus on him right now, i know that. it's like he's saying, please just trust me and seek me, THEN all the rest will be given unto you.

ok god. i get it. i'm sorry. sometimes i am so obstinate and want to just be satisfied and done. i'm sorry about those times. i'm sorry about my weak will. but i do really want you more than anything else. please don't give up on me yet! keep leading me toward you and the things you have for me.

as for maken and others who write on these things, sometimes it's not about which position is biblical or what is wrong with the church or single men or women. sometimes it's about having compassion on those of us who desperately want something and haven't gotten it yet. a little compassion goes a long way.