the hard lesson in the treasure chest

just when i thought everything was ok, and i would skate out of this seth situation without messing anything up too badly, the real consequences show up.

tonight i met seth for coffee, at his request. he asked if was sure that i just wanted to be friends, and i realized for the first time just how much pain i had caused us both. i mean, yeah, we're both to blame, to some extent. neither one of us protected either our own hearts or each other's. but i am very guilty of not lining my actions up with my words. it's one thing to say 'we're just friends,' but quite another to act like it.

tonight, seth told me that after processing and praying more, he realized that he really did want to date me. he really did like me as more than a friend. and i had to sit there and tell him that i was sure that i didn't have those feelings. and now i have to leave him alone for awhile. who knows how long. and he has some hard work to do; finding other people to spend time with and open up to.

it was really hard talking to him tonight because a big chunk of his pain is my fault, and now that it's been inflicted, i can't help him. i just have to back off and pray. plus, i've been there. i know that pain, and i know how much worse it is when you don't have a roommate or any close friends to help you figure it out. thinking about seth alone in his house and dealing with heartbreak breaks my heart.

i know he'll be ok, and that makes me feel better. but it was really hard to stomach how guilty i am in this situation. i hurt someone i really care about. i was really dumb. i am praying for him, that he'll connect with some great people and be able to open up and share, and feel known. also that god will draw him close and reassure him that he is loved and cared for and just an amazing, amazing guy.

i'm pretty sure the lesson has sunk in now. i get it. i don't ever want to be careless with someone's heart again. the flirting and temporary good feelings aren't worth it. i'm sorry, lord. i am really, really sorry. this is a lesson it took me a long time to figure out, but i get it now. negligence and denial and carelessness can hurt people just as much as intentional meanness or spite or any of those more active things.

god made treasure out of my trash!

wow. so i really thought i had screwed up my friendship with seth beyond recognition. but god took my selfishness, convicted me, and enabled me to step up, sort things out, and maybe even help a friend, even though i had to hurt him first.

let me backtrack a little. after the incident last weekend where seth and i slept on the futon after my party, things got a little... undefined. he was much more flirty with me, and i was enjoying it, so i was flirty back. all the while i kept telling myself, we're just friends! it's ok!

but it wasn't ok. it's never ok to not guard your heart or someone else's. the next week, while at work, we were emailing each other frequently throughout the day. then seth asked me if i wanted to go to a hockey game with him on saturday night. i said, sure. i love hockey! we went to the game with several other people, and afterward ended up at my place to chill and watch monty python dvds.

as we sat on the couch laughing, i realized he was inching closer to me. even though i knew better, i let him. and then somehow we were curled up together on the couch, and he was stroking my arm. um. yeah. and i let him. and then he started talking about how great this was. and i was like, um yeah, it is. and i was stuck. i had agreed; he thought we were on the same page. i completely knew we weren't, but i couldn't bring myself to say it. i just stayed there, curled up with him, letting him hold me and stroke my hair and tell me how this was so cool.

the next day, we had church and then brunch with some friends. afterwards, seth invited me over to watch a moto GP race later. i said sure, i'll come over around six.

so i went home, prayed, and called my good friend evan. we talked a while, and in true evan-fashion he gave me the truth i needed; be honest with seth, and do it ASAP. preferably in person. no hiding behind the phone. i also talked to my roommate, who gave me pretty much the same advice. and both of them made me feel a lot better by reminding me that seth is a big boy, and even though i might hurt his feelings, i wouldn't wreck his life or anything.

armed with encouragement, truth, and determination, i went over to seth's house sunday evening to watch the race. we ate dinner, watched the race, and then i turned to face him on the couch. it was really tough to get the words out, but i did. of course i started to cry, but i think that was good.

i told seth that this just wasn't working. that the change from friends to more than friends was not good. i told him that there was just something missing for me. i like you, i said. you are solid. you love jesus, and you like hockey and racing. i have prayed for a guy who loves jesus and likes hockey and racing! but you are not that guy. i can't engage in this 100% because i can feel that you are not that guy, and we are not supposed to be more than friends. and i'm pretty sure more time won't change that.

and wouldn't you know it... even though he was sad and and frustrated, (and honestly so was i), he saw it. we talked more about how things had progressed between us, and he admitted that yeah, he probably would have pursued me harder if were really sure he was into me. we were both pretty emotional, and kind of holding each other sideways on the couch after a while. eventually he looked at me and said, yeah, if this were the real deal, i'd be wanting to do a lot more than just hold you like this right now. it took me a minute to figure out what he meant.... oh! yeah, like if we really liked each other, we'd want to kiss. but neither of us wants that.

we talked for a long time after that, and it was really good. he opened up and shared a lot with me, and i felt like listening to him and just being there for him enabled me to kind of make up for hurting him, in a way. kind of. maybe.

since leaving his place last night, i've felt so much better. more whole. more ready for what's next, even if it's just more time with god and my girlfriends. and i am so humbled that god used me to help seth after i was so selfish. thanks, god.

selfishness doesn't help anyone

ok so i really screwed up. i got selfish and now i have to undo some stuff i never should have done. because of it all, i may have lost a friend, and i'm pretty sure i've hurt him.

don't coast. don't avoid the hard conversations. don't assume everything is fine and you can keep doing what you're doing and you'll just get away with it. if you have any kind of a conscience, you won't. and if the word 'defraud' is floating around in your head, probably you're doing something you shouldn't be, and you should stop right away, before you do real damage to someone's heart.

god, i'm sorry. i was selfish again, and have probably hurt a really cool guy by being that way. please give me the strength to say what i need to say, to be mature about it, and give him the strength to hear it and realize that this just isn't meant to be.

more later, after i set things right.