i think better friendships will equal better marriages

what if all of us single people just hunkered down and committed to our friends and family and roommates? what if we took the focus off of ourselves and put it on each other? would we still feel as lonely and isolated and unstable as we currently often do? would we rush into bad dating relationships so quickly or stay in them as long as we do? i think probably not.

i brought this up with my friend evan the other day and he was right there with me; he agreed that our selfishness as single people is causing us to miss out on so many good things that god wants for us. basically, we're saying to god, i want the intimacy and connection and partnership that come with a spouse! and in return he's saying, i know that, and i want that for you too, but right now i'm providing with all of these other people for intimacy and connection and partnership, and you're ignoring them!

evan and i talked about what we thought might change if each of us had a significant other. he said he thought he'd feel more satisfied (amongst other things), and i said i envisioned myself feeling more stable and connected and anchored. we talked about achieving those feelings now, and we agreed that there's no good reason (save our own stubbornness) why we can't move that direction in our current single state.

i think that in order to get there, i've got to start putting other people first on a regular basis. for example; if my friends are going to watch movies and hang out friday night, and i really don't want to watch movies, well, maybe i need to suck it up and go watch movies just to spend some time with them. most of the time, i'd go look for something else to do with some other group of friends. and sometimes that's ok. but if i keep choosing the activity over the people, i never really commit to anyone. i never say you're important enough to me that i'll do something that i don't really like all that much just to spend time with you.

maybe the intimacy we all desperately long for is right in front of our faces. we just have to work a little harder to find it. die to ourselves a little. be a little more vulnerable with a few of our friends. really let them in, and really show them that we want to know them.

i think those things (sacrifice, service, vulnerability) are at the heart of a good marriage. why can't we start learning them now? good relationships are good relationships. a healthy community is a healthy community, no matter if it's singles or couples or a mix of both.

god made treasure out of my trash!

wow. so i really thought i had screwed up my friendship with seth beyond recognition. but god took my selfishness, convicted me, and enabled me to step up, sort things out, and maybe even help a friend, even though i had to hurt him first.

let me backtrack a little. after the incident last weekend where seth and i slept on the futon after my party, things got a little... undefined. he was much more flirty with me, and i was enjoying it, so i was flirty back. all the while i kept telling myself, we're just friends! it's ok!

but it wasn't ok. it's never ok to not guard your heart or someone else's. the next week, while at work, we were emailing each other frequently throughout the day. then seth asked me if i wanted to go to a hockey game with him on saturday night. i said, sure. i love hockey! we went to the game with several other people, and afterward ended up at my place to chill and watch monty python dvds.

as we sat on the couch laughing, i realized he was inching closer to me. even though i knew better, i let him. and then somehow we were curled up together on the couch, and he was stroking my arm. um. yeah. and i let him. and then he started talking about how great this was. and i was like, um yeah, it is. and i was stuck. i had agreed; he thought we were on the same page. i completely knew we weren't, but i couldn't bring myself to say it. i just stayed there, curled up with him, letting him hold me and stroke my hair and tell me how this was so cool.

the next day, we had church and then brunch with some friends. afterwards, seth invited me over to watch a moto GP race later. i said sure, i'll come over around six.

so i went home, prayed, and called my good friend evan. we talked a while, and in true evan-fashion he gave me the truth i needed; be honest with seth, and do it ASAP. preferably in person. no hiding behind the phone. i also talked to my roommate, who gave me pretty much the same advice. and both of them made me feel a lot better by reminding me that seth is a big boy, and even though i might hurt his feelings, i wouldn't wreck his life or anything.

armed with encouragement, truth, and determination, i went over to seth's house sunday evening to watch the race. we ate dinner, watched the race, and then i turned to face him on the couch. it was really tough to get the words out, but i did. of course i started to cry, but i think that was good.

i told seth that this just wasn't working. that the change from friends to more than friends was not good. i told him that there was just something missing for me. i like you, i said. you are solid. you love jesus, and you like hockey and racing. i have prayed for a guy who loves jesus and likes hockey and racing! but you are not that guy. i can't engage in this 100% because i can feel that you are not that guy, and we are not supposed to be more than friends. and i'm pretty sure more time won't change that.

and wouldn't you know it... even though he was sad and and frustrated, (and honestly so was i), he saw it. we talked more about how things had progressed between us, and he admitted that yeah, he probably would have pursued me harder if were really sure he was into me. we were both pretty emotional, and kind of holding each other sideways on the couch after a while. eventually he looked at me and said, yeah, if this were the real deal, i'd be wanting to do a lot more than just hold you like this right now. it took me a minute to figure out what he meant.... oh! yeah, like if we really liked each other, we'd want to kiss. but neither of us wants that.

we talked for a long time after that, and it was really good. he opened up and shared a lot with me, and i felt like listening to him and just being there for him enabled me to kind of make up for hurting him, in a way. kind of. maybe.

since leaving his place last night, i've felt so much better. more whole. more ready for what's next, even if it's just more time with god and my girlfriends. and i am so humbled that god used me to help seth after i was so selfish. thanks, god.

when you coast you pay the consquences

do you ever catch yourself coasting? like, coasting through a certain area of your life, knowing that you should be working harder, or changing something (e.g. your behavior), or maybe applying yourself a little more?

i've been coasting along for awhile in the area of girl friendships. i know i've been coasting, and for a while i was almost thinking that it was ok, and that maybe this was just what my life was going to look like for a while and there would be no real consequences.

but, i have to admit that while i've been coasting, i've also been feeling the holy spirit speaking very softly to me. it's been a faint impression of the question 'is this really ok?' it sort of floats in and out of my head. when i start to look at some of my actions over the past few months and at the same time consider both my feelings and my hopes for the future, i start to realize that it all doesn't add up to what i want it to be.

i have lots of guy friends. and i love them! they're great. but i don't want to marry any of them (i think i have pretty legitimate reasons, maybe i'll delve into them in another post). i grew up with an older brother and was a total tomboy for a long time, so i think it's just relatively easy for me to relate to men. it's a little more difficult for me to get into close friendships with girls. i can do it, it just takes more work. i've got some baggage with rejection/abandonment (my mom died when i was 19), plus, over the last few years several of my dearest girlfriends have gotten married and either moved away or had a baby or both.

all that to say i am tired. i am tired of establishing meaningful friendships with women and pouring into them only to have them disappear. it's taken a lot out of me. so i think in order to protect myself, i've coasted along with my guy friends because, well, they're easy. they just don't require the work that girl friendships do. plus you get that whole 'i'm appreciated' feeling. but as you probably know, less work equals less reward. i feel very sisterly toward these guys, and that's great, but there's sadness there, too. at least for me. none of my guy friends are 'mine.' i'll have to let them all go someday. i want them to meet and marry wonderful women. when that happens, i'll fade in importance. i know that and am ok with it, but it's still a little tough at times.

there's a level of comfort i can't get to with my guy friends. i miss that; the comfort that comes when you're really close to your roommate and you can stay up late talking in the hallway or just bum around running errands and doing random stuff and not worry that you're spending too much time together and therefore deterring some guy from pursuing you.

i want to have some good girlfriends again, and i will. especially now that the importance of it is sinking in. i'm realizing that it's important for me not to coast. i need to pursue friendships with women, actively seek them out and spend time with them. it's freaking hard, but i know that when i do, more healing will come (both for me and whoever i become friends with) and i feel less lonely.

plus, i want to be married some day. something tells me that when all of my friends are cracking jokes about how much time i spend with seth or evan or james, it doesn't put out this picture of what a great available single woman i am. and heck, it probably doesn't make them look available to other women, either. and i don't want that. for some reason i keep thinking of the word defraud, and i don't want to defraud anyone, nor do i want to be defrauded.

so ok, less time with my boyfriends (who i still love!) and more time developing good girlfriends. i'll stop coasting, god, because i know you have more for me than palling around with random guys for the rest of my life. and because i know that the rewards are so much greater when i step to your challenges, the things that i know are good and right and true.