a boyfriend i didn't know i had!

so apparently vball dude and i are dating, and i had no idea! will wonders never cease!?

saturday night i got a call from an old friend. i let it go to voicemail, as it was late, i had just gotten back from a pool party, and i was ready for bed. but then my friend, trevor, texted me. call me! it's urgent-ish!!! urgent-ish? umm, ok.... i let out a nice sigh and went out on the deck to call him back so i wouldn't wake my roommate.

the first words out of his mouth when he answered the phone were so i hear you have a hot boyfriend!!! umm... i do? i replied. yeah! some guy from the trip! trevor tossed out a couple of names that were close to vball dude's. uh, do you mean vball dude? yeah! he shouted. vball dude! i hear you guys got together on that trip you took!

at this point i just started laughing. i told him that no, we weren't dating, at least not to my knowledge. aww, bummer he said. no biggy i said. but where did you hear this!? you weren't on the trip, and you don't even go to our church! turns out his coworker was on the trip, and she heard the rumor from another girl who'd also been on the trip.

the whole thing made me laugh. i've never had rumors spread about me! i have to admit, i kind of like it :) of course, i probably like it because vball dude is tall, good-looking, a solid leader, and oh yeah i kind of have an on again, off again crush on him. but seriously... where on earth did this come from!? it wasn't like we spent tons of time together on the trip. he talked to and spent time with a lot of girls while we were down there. (that's another topic for another time...) i really can't think of anything that happened that would have made anyone think we were dating.

oh well. like i said, i like it. i feel popular... like people think i'm dating a celebrity or something! vball dude is prett well known, especially now that he's been interviewed onstage about the trip. (i know, i know... kind of lame. hey, i'll take what i can get, ok?!)

dating: work or wait?

i'm still thinking on this. why? maybe because i've tried both tactics, and so far neither one has yielded a spouse. the working thing, however, has yielded my trying new things (volleyball), meeting new people, and several mediocre dates. well, and that whole 'learning about yourself' thing. that was pretty important.

maybe working at meeting someone and trusting god are not mutually exclusive. maybe i can do both. work at meeting a guy while trusting god he'll introduce me to someone cool? woah. groundbreaking, eh? not really, i know. living with the tension, as bev so wisely pointed out to me in her comment on the previous post.

i'm also thinking it would be better if i didn't look at situations as so black and white. no, dating lots of different guys didn't immediately lead to me meeting a husband, and yes, that's kind of frustrating. but i learned about myself, learned about men, and i now have some more random stories to tell. same thing with not dating; i just have less stories from that time. neither one was all bad or all good.

it'd probably be a good thing if i pushed myself to try some different activities in an attempt to meet some new prospects. even if i don't meet anyone, other good almost always comes from trying new activities/service projects/etc. i have to admit i feel kind of lame when i think, oh, i'm trying random activity x so i can meet some guys, and i'm not sure why. it feels kind of fake or something. i think that's my own crap to get over, probably, though.

more work? less work? i have no idea

i am comforted by the thought that god can do whatever he wants to do no matter what i do, because a lot of the time, i just don't know what to do.

on one hand, i want to wait on god. i want to be patient enough to let him do his thing without me messing anything up. i want my future husband to notice me because of who i am; my character, kindness, quirkyness, even my physical beauty. i don't want to feel like i have to scheme and plot and throw myself in front of him in order to get his attention.

on the other hand, i know guys aren't perfect. i know they can be insecure and that girls can be intimidating. i also know that most of them appreciate a sign from a girl who is open and interested. plus i don't want to miss out on something because i am sitting on my butt waiting for some dude to drop out of the sky. plus i don't want to put unrealistic (or maybe a better word is ungodly) expectations on a guy or on a future relationship.

i'm having trouble figuring out how much work or focus on dating is too much, or not enough, or just right. i used to think a relationship would just happen; it'd be a natural thing. i'd be doing my thing and some great godly guy would be doing his thing and our paths would cross somehow. there'd be some kind of mutual interest and then something would develop. but now i'm a little confused. i still want it to happen that way.... it's just not. i've been doing my thing for quite some time and it hasn't worked yet.

then i hear things that make me think i need to work at this more. don't get me wrong, i've done some work. i've taken multiple shots at internet dating, i've gone on a lot of dates with a lot of random guys, and i feel like i'm really open and outgoing. i meet new people relatively often. a while back evan emailed me and said he'd heard james dobson on the radio saying that if he really wanted to be married, he'd be working hard at it. he'd be going to new places and hanging with new people if he didn't see any options in sight. as in, if there's no fish in your little pond, go find a new pond. evan said that dobson was saying he would relocate to find love, move to another city, find new clubs or organizations, join a new church, reach out to new people.

woah. that's a lot of work. and i struggle with that. i really do want to be married. should i completely change my life and social habits if i'm not meeting anyone worth dating? should i focus on it more? or should i just let go, and instead focus on loving and serving god? it does seem like there are a lot of people who meet someone great when they least expect it; when they let go of searching and just live for a while.

ok. i'm going to marinate on this some more. you do the same.

waiting is hard and i'm not good at it

um, so i didn't last very long with the waiting. but it's not my fault!!
ok, so it's totally my fault. but i do put some of the blame on elisabeth elliott.

here's the deal. so today, i had a long IM conversation with a guy friend about volleyball dude (henceforth known as vb dude). i asked my friend if i should take one more shot at trying to send the message that i am both interested and available, or just wait and pray. we talked for awhile, and we both finally agreed that it would be totally ok for me to email the girl i know in his small group and ask her if she wouldn't mind inviting him to a christmas party we're having this weekend. so that's what i did.

but i really struggled with this. i read so many elisabeth elliott books in my formative years that i live in fear of pursuing a guy or being manipulative. i also spent my high school and very early college years being rather forward with a few of the guys i dated. and i don't like that. i don't like chasing boys, at all. i did it then out of desperation. and i'm not desperate anymore.

now that i'm an adult and i've read books like how to get a date worth keeping, and heard all kinds of great stories about how certain awesome christian couples got together, i don't know what to think (or do for that matter).

after sending the email and talking to a few friends (guy and girl), i feel like what i did was ok. all of my friends agreed that guys are often clueless and need help. they also agreed that it's no big deal. men appreciate knowing if a girl is open/receptive/interested or not. i never found out if this girl talked to vb dude after i mentioned that i met him and thought he was cool. so this was just a follow up.

of course, now i really have to be done. like, for serious! no more. i feel like i really have to let go of this and leave it up to god and this dude. so now i am waiting and praying. and trusting that the results, no matter what, are within his will.

waiting...

...is hard!!! that dude i met while playing volleyball several weeks ago has yet to reappear, and it's really annoying me. he's come up in conversation a few times with friends, and i've met a few more people who know him, but that's it. at work recently a girl came up to me and said, hey, so i hear you met volleyball guy! yes, i replied, i did... he's really cool. and that made me think, hmm.... ok, he mentioned me to his friend. that's a good sign, right? sure. i'll take what i can get. :-)

it's really kind of surreal. i feel like like we live in separate parallel universes. we know the same people, do similar things, attend the same church, but our paths only crossed one random time, and never again since.

i don't want to over-think this. he's just one guy, and i talked to him one time. but i don't meet many quality guys who really spark my interest, so when i do, i want to make sure i act accordingly. i put the word out with a girl i know who's in his small group. she knows that i met him and was interested. and that's really all i can do. i have to just wait and see.

but the waiting is so hard! holy crap. i really believe that as women we're supposed to be pursued. so i have made my interest known, tried to make myself available, and now i just have to wait and see. and that is just frustrating. to sit and trust god that his perfect will will happen without me messing around with things.

but i can DO this. i know i can. so i'm shutting up about this dude. i'm not asking anymore friends about him, i'm not going to whine to anyone else about how frustrating it is that i met him one time and haven't seen him since. if he really is quality and really is someone i should get to know, he and god will work that out. in the meantime, i'll just keep praying.......

god made treasure out of my trash!

wow. so i really thought i had screwed up my friendship with seth beyond recognition. but god took my selfishness, convicted me, and enabled me to step up, sort things out, and maybe even help a friend, even though i had to hurt him first.

let me backtrack a little. after the incident last weekend where seth and i slept on the futon after my party, things got a little... undefined. he was much more flirty with me, and i was enjoying it, so i was flirty back. all the while i kept telling myself, we're just friends! it's ok!

but it wasn't ok. it's never ok to not guard your heart or someone else's. the next week, while at work, we were emailing each other frequently throughout the day. then seth asked me if i wanted to go to a hockey game with him on saturday night. i said, sure. i love hockey! we went to the game with several other people, and afterward ended up at my place to chill and watch monty python dvds.

as we sat on the couch laughing, i realized he was inching closer to me. even though i knew better, i let him. and then somehow we were curled up together on the couch, and he was stroking my arm. um. yeah. and i let him. and then he started talking about how great this was. and i was like, um yeah, it is. and i was stuck. i had agreed; he thought we were on the same page. i completely knew we weren't, but i couldn't bring myself to say it. i just stayed there, curled up with him, letting him hold me and stroke my hair and tell me how this was so cool.

the next day, we had church and then brunch with some friends. afterwards, seth invited me over to watch a moto GP race later. i said sure, i'll come over around six.

so i went home, prayed, and called my good friend evan. we talked a while, and in true evan-fashion he gave me the truth i needed; be honest with seth, and do it ASAP. preferably in person. no hiding behind the phone. i also talked to my roommate, who gave me pretty much the same advice. and both of them made me feel a lot better by reminding me that seth is a big boy, and even though i might hurt his feelings, i wouldn't wreck his life or anything.

armed with encouragement, truth, and determination, i went over to seth's house sunday evening to watch the race. we ate dinner, watched the race, and then i turned to face him on the couch. it was really tough to get the words out, but i did. of course i started to cry, but i think that was good.

i told seth that this just wasn't working. that the change from friends to more than friends was not good. i told him that there was just something missing for me. i like you, i said. you are solid. you love jesus, and you like hockey and racing. i have prayed for a guy who loves jesus and likes hockey and racing! but you are not that guy. i can't engage in this 100% because i can feel that you are not that guy, and we are not supposed to be more than friends. and i'm pretty sure more time won't change that.

and wouldn't you know it... even though he was sad and and frustrated, (and honestly so was i), he saw it. we talked more about how things had progressed between us, and he admitted that yeah, he probably would have pursued me harder if were really sure he was into me. we were both pretty emotional, and kind of holding each other sideways on the couch after a while. eventually he looked at me and said, yeah, if this were the real deal, i'd be wanting to do a lot more than just hold you like this right now. it took me a minute to figure out what he meant.... oh! yeah, like if we really liked each other, we'd want to kiss. but neither of us wants that.

we talked for a long time after that, and it was really good. he opened up and shared a lot with me, and i felt like listening to him and just being there for him enabled me to kind of make up for hurting him, in a way. kind of. maybe.

since leaving his place last night, i've felt so much better. more whole. more ready for what's next, even if it's just more time with god and my girlfriends. and i am so humbled that god used me to help seth after i was so selfish. thanks, god.

the 'gift' of singleness?

wow! so i had no idea this was such a hot topic. yes, i've read all the books; debbie maken's, a bunch by elisabeth elliott, dr. cloud, etc. i've had a lot of internal struggle too. but i had no idea how hotly the (online) christian single community would debate the 'gift' of singleness vs. the 'marriage mandate.'

personally, i see some of both sides. i agree that marriage is god's design for most of us. and i agree that a lot of us are kidding ourselves when we expect service, friends, careers, etc to fill our desires for a husband/wife.

but i see a dangerous slope, which i'm sure others have discussed. as a single person, it's really easy for me to be so focused on my situation that i lose site of my god and the gifts he's given me. is singleness a gift he's given me? well, yes, for right now it certainly is. i very much want to be married (so much so... i'm sure future posts will go into more detail about the tears i've cried and the stupid things i've done out of that wanting). but, right now, i'm single. and it is obvious to me that this is where god wants me. am i happy about it? not always, but i want to be.

am i open to dates? yes (to some extent, but that's another post). am i constantly trying to grow to become the kind of mate i hope to have someday? yes! (dear god, i have read so many books, tried so many things! ha.) BUT, i am also asking god why he has me here. why have i been single for so long? why do i have this feeling in my heart that i'm in this unique place of prolonged singleness for a reason? to quote a recent sermon i heard, maybe 'my misery is my ministry.' we'll see. again, perhaps more on that later.

all of that to say that it's a combination. yes, we live in a fallen world where men and women are failing each other all of the time. and yes, satan is attacking through secular culture and other assorted ways. yes, i mourn the fact that i am 28, still a virgin, and my body is starting to age. some things just suck! but, i can't give up. i have to hold on to hope. i have to believe that he has a plan. that:

'Though the fig tree does not bud
and there are no grapes on the vines,
though the olive crop fails
and the fields produce no food,
though there are no sheep in the pen
and no cattle in the stalls,

yet I will rejoice in the LORD,
I will be joyful in God my Savior."

(Habakkuk 3:17-18)

so that's what i think. care to comment?