to keep with the theme...

you can always die a little more, right?

so i put dating in the coffin awhile back and died to it. but as most of you know, dying to yourself and your desires isn’t a one-time thing, it’s a process. a continual process (that’s probably redundant, i know). i am obviously very much still in process.

the latest step of the process has been me giving over another dating-related area of my life/heart to god. for lack of a better word, we’ll call it timing.

i love and trust god. i know his ways and plans and rules are best, for him, for me, and for everyone else. giving over dating gave me a wonderful feeling of peace that transcends worry or any temporary fix i might have come up with myself (funny how the peace of god can do that, huh?)

but until this past weekend, i hadn’t really believed with all my heart and mind and soul that god’s timing for me and marriage was really perfect. i was still holding onto feelings of hurt and bitterness and anger and frustration. i still felt like my singleness was for no good reason. almost like i was serving some singleness sentence, and i didn’t know why.

but god used several events to set me straight. and he did it in such a wonderful way. a very old and very dear friend spoke some encouraging and truthful words to me that got me thinking. we were talking, and i was kind of complaining and hinting at the fact that i felt so far behind all of our friends, life-wise. no marriage, no kids, not even a steady boyfriend. after listening to me for a while, she said, you know, sc, you’ve grown so much in the last four or five years, and so much of that has even been in the last year. the man you might have chosen to be your husband a year or two or three ago would have been very different than the man you would choose now. and that is so awesome! and remember; you still have so many good things to look forward to! i’ve already met the guy, gotten engaged, gotten married, and had my first kid. and it was all wonderful. and you still have all of that to look forward to!

with those words, i started to see my situation in a new light. the next morning, the sermon at church picked up where my friend’s words left off. the pastor was talking about pride and how worry and anxiety can create it. he read from 1 peter 5, and talked about how we’re supposed to give our anxiety and worry to god and replace them in our minds/hearts with god himself. and honestly i’m pretty sure i’ve heard that before, but this time it clicked. put the first things first. put god first and he’ll take care of everything else. trust him with the things you’re most afraid to give up or most worried about, focus on being close to him, and rejoice in the transcending peace he gives. yes, virginia, it is that easy. at least in theory...

after the sermon the pastor initiated some guided prayer. usually these things don’t work so well for me; i can't concentrate or focus with all the people around. but as soon as i bowed my head, i knew what i needed to pray about and give over to god; timing. i gave god all of my anger and hurt and bitterness. i asked for his forgiveness for me holding onto that for so long, and for me believing deep down that i somehow have been getting the short end of the stick, that somehow i know better and think i should have been married by now. i get it god, i told him. you’ve been working in me, even when it didn’t feel like it. i am different now, and i am glad to be different. i trust you; i trust that you have a plan. i believe that all things work for your good in this area of my life.

and then it gets a little weird. i’m not sure about this next part, but i’m going to write about it anyway. my friend’s words from the night before came into my head. you still have all those wonderful things ahead of you: meeting the guy, getting engaged, getting married, having kids… and felt like god was telling me to just relax. i felt him say, you’ll have those things. i want to give them to you. you’ll have a boyfriend, a marriage, a family. i want to give you those things; they are good things, and you want them, and i want you to have them. so just relax and trust me!

it's such a rare thing for me to hear god promise me specific things. but once i started to really give him control of this area of my life, he met me. i took some steps, and he met me. it's given me such peace. whether i get married a year from now or 10 years from now, i know it will happen, and i know that the time until it happens won't be a waste.

waiting, obeying, trusting

recently at church the sermons have been christmas/advent related, as most sermons are this time of year. one in particular talked about how waiting can be really difficult, and then segued into how during times of waiting, god often asks us to obey him even though we don't fully understand why or what or how.

i'm well acquainted with waiting. i've been waiting for marriage for quite some time now. and i'm getting a lot better about the whole 'obey now, ask questions later' part. for the first time, i want to not only obey god, i want to obey him gladly. cheerfully, even. with full faith and hope that obeying him now and making hard decisions is in both of our best interests. with full faith and hope that the best really is yet to come.

it seems like it's a lot easier to obey god and be hopeful when, oh, say for example, i think there's a possibility on the horizon with someone like vb dude. now that he's out of the picture, it's a little more difficult. i'm doing ok, (much much better than i would have done a year ago, that's for sure), but i still have to fend off the doubts and the bad thoughts that creep up. and i have to fight hard to keep god's promises in my head.

it's really easy to slip back into believing that the past determines the future; i've been single forever, no relationship ever works out, why would anything change? even as i typed that sentence, and now as i reread it, it really scares me. it's a powerful lie used to disarm me, i think. but that's not who i am. god has made me new, he works in me more and more every day, and he determines my future. i have firm faith that my father in heaven who gives all good gifts has good gifts for me. gifts beyond my wildest dreams.

waiting is hard and i'm not good at it

um, so i didn't last very long with the waiting. but it's not my fault!!
ok, so it's totally my fault. but i do put some of the blame on elisabeth elliott.

here's the deal. so today, i had a long IM conversation with a guy friend about volleyball dude (henceforth known as vb dude). i asked my friend if i should take one more shot at trying to send the message that i am both interested and available, or just wait and pray. we talked for awhile, and we both finally agreed that it would be totally ok for me to email the girl i know in his small group and ask her if she wouldn't mind inviting him to a christmas party we're having this weekend. so that's what i did.

but i really struggled with this. i read so many elisabeth elliott books in my formative years that i live in fear of pursuing a guy or being manipulative. i also spent my high school and very early college years being rather forward with a few of the guys i dated. and i don't like that. i don't like chasing boys, at all. i did it then out of desperation. and i'm not desperate anymore.

now that i'm an adult and i've read books like how to get a date worth keeping, and heard all kinds of great stories about how certain awesome christian couples got together, i don't know what to think (or do for that matter).

after sending the email and talking to a few friends (guy and girl), i feel like what i did was ok. all of my friends agreed that guys are often clueless and need help. they also agreed that it's no big deal. men appreciate knowing if a girl is open/receptive/interested or not. i never found out if this girl talked to vb dude after i mentioned that i met him and thought he was cool. so this was just a follow up.

of course, now i really have to be done. like, for serious! no more. i feel like i really have to let go of this and leave it up to god and this dude. so now i am waiting and praying. and trusting that the results, no matter what, are within his will.

waiting...

...is hard!!! that dude i met while playing volleyball several weeks ago has yet to reappear, and it's really annoying me. he's come up in conversation a few times with friends, and i've met a few more people who know him, but that's it. at work recently a girl came up to me and said, hey, so i hear you met volleyball guy! yes, i replied, i did... he's really cool. and that made me think, hmm.... ok, he mentioned me to his friend. that's a good sign, right? sure. i'll take what i can get. :-)

it's really kind of surreal. i feel like like we live in separate parallel universes. we know the same people, do similar things, attend the same church, but our paths only crossed one random time, and never again since.

i don't want to over-think this. he's just one guy, and i talked to him one time. but i don't meet many quality guys who really spark my interest, so when i do, i want to make sure i act accordingly. i put the word out with a girl i know who's in his small group. she knows that i met him and was interested. and that's really all i can do. i have to just wait and see.

but the waiting is so hard! holy crap. i really believe that as women we're supposed to be pursued. so i have made my interest known, tried to make myself available, and now i just have to wait and see. and that is just frustrating. to sit and trust god that his perfect will will happen without me messing around with things.

but i can DO this. i know i can. so i'm shutting up about this dude. i'm not asking anymore friends about him, i'm not going to whine to anyone else about how frustrating it is that i met him one time and haven't seen him since. if he really is quality and really is someone i should get to know, he and god will work that out. in the meantime, i'll just keep praying.......