Saturday, October 13, 2007

when you coast you pay the consquences

do you ever catch yourself coasting? like, coasting through a certain area of your life, knowing that you should be working harder, or changing something (e.g. your behavior), or maybe applying yourself a little more?

i've been coasting along for awhile in the area of girl friendships. i know i've been coasting, and for a while i was almost thinking that it was ok, and that maybe this was just what my life was going to look like for a while and there would be no real consequences.

but, i have to admit that while i've been coasting, i've also been feeling the holy spirit speaking very softly to me. it's been a faint impression of the question 'is this really ok?' it sort of floats in and out of my head. when i start to look at some of my actions over the past few months and at the same time consider both my feelings and my hopes for the future, i start to realize that it all doesn't add up to what i want it to be.

i have lots of guy friends. and i love them! they're great. but i don't want to marry any of them (i think i have pretty legitimate reasons, maybe i'll delve into them in another post). i grew up with an older brother and was a total tomboy for a long time, so i think it's just relatively easy for me to relate to men. it's a little more difficult for me to get into close friendships with girls. i can do it, it just takes more work. i've got some baggage with rejection/abandonment (my mom died when i was 19), plus, over the last few years several of my dearest girlfriends have gotten married and either moved away or had a baby or both.

all that to say i am tired. i am tired of establishing meaningful friendships with women and pouring into them only to have them disappear. it's taken a lot out of me. so i think in order to protect myself, i've coasted along with my guy friends because, well, they're easy. they just don't require the work that girl friendships do. plus you get that whole 'i'm appreciated' feeling. but as you probably know, less work equals less reward. i feel very sisterly toward these guys, and that's great, but there's sadness there, too. at least for me. none of my guy friends are 'mine.' i'll have to let them all go someday. i want them to meet and marry wonderful women. when that happens, i'll fade in importance. i know that and am ok with it, but it's still a little tough at times.

there's a level of comfort i can't get to with my guy friends. i miss that; the comfort that comes when you're really close to your roommate and you can stay up late talking in the hallway or just bum around running errands and doing random stuff and not worry that you're spending too much time together and therefore deterring some guy from pursuing you.

i want to have some good girlfriends again, and i will. especially now that the importance of it is sinking in. i'm realizing that it's important for me not to coast. i need to pursue friendships with women, actively seek them out and spend time with them. it's freaking hard, but i know that when i do, more healing will come (both for me and whoever i become friends with) and i feel less lonely.

plus, i want to be married some day. something tells me that when all of my friends are cracking jokes about how much time i spend with seth or evan or james, it doesn't put out this picture of what a great available single woman i am. and heck, it probably doesn't make them look available to other women, either. and i don't want that. for some reason i keep thinking of the word defraud, and i don't want to defraud anyone, nor do i want to be defrauded.

so ok, less time with my boyfriends (who i still love!) and more time developing good girlfriends. i'll stop coasting, god, because i know you have more for me than palling around with random guys for the rest of my life. and because i know that the rewards are so much greater when i step to your challenges, the things that i know are good and right and true.


-Bev said...

So I just read all of your blogs at once and thought I would leave one giant comment. First, someone recently said to me "it is good and right that you are here." For whatever reason that has stuck with me and I thought I would pass it along. Whatever the end result is of this journey... it is good and right that you are here. You are honestly seeking him and he will not let you get lost in this. Second, I have been struggling with the whole friendships thing as well. My closest friend in this city is James and while it may not always look great to everyone else, our friendship has been the biggest comfort and even area of growth for me. At the same time I have been overwhelmed with the need for good solid girl relationships as well. There is something that is so lasting and different about being able to bond with a girl who is in a similar place with similar struggles. All this to say, while it is a LOT of work to get close to girls, it is so worth it and you are def one i want to put work in to.
oh and i love that my name on your blog is bev:)

single/certain said...

thanks 'bev'!!!
and yeah, i really like that 'it is good and right that you are here' thing. i definitely agree with that, adn probably need to remember it more often.

i think because this whole 'single for a long time' thing is so undefined, things like our friendships with james and evan are these weird new things that we make up as we go. and yeah, they are total blessings.

i am so touched and excited that you think i am worth putting work into... and i feel the same about you. you rock.....

Anonymous said...

Why are you no longer friends with your girlfriends who are married or had kids? Just b/c they are married or might have other commitments, I'm sure it doesn't mean you gals can't be friends.

And where are your girl friends that have "disappeared"? (Or are these the same set of girls?) I have had lots of friendships--guys and girls alike. I've found in all situations that it takes two to make the friendship, and two to break the friendship. Just like it's takes two to tango. :) Reach out to those married gals, or those friends who pulled the disappearing act, and I think you realize that you may have some girl friendships right in front of your face, ripe for the picking.

single/certain said...

yeah, it's kind of just circumstances. 2 of my closest friends moved to different states, pretty far away. a third had a lot happen in a year, and so just can't put as much in to the friendship anymore. you're right though, it's a 2 way thing, and i tend to slack and sulk instead of picking up the phone.