Tuesday, December 04, 2007

more work? less work? i have no idea

i am comforted by the thought that god can do whatever he wants to do no matter what i do, because a lot of the time, i just don't know what to do.

on one hand, i want to wait on god. i want to be patient enough to let him do his thing without me messing anything up. i want my future husband to notice me because of who i am; my character, kindness, quirkyness, even my physical beauty. i don't want to feel like i have to scheme and plot and throw myself in front of him in order to get his attention.

on the other hand, i know guys aren't perfect. i know they can be insecure and that girls can be intimidating. i also know that most of them appreciate a sign from a girl who is open and interested. plus i don't want to miss out on something because i am sitting on my butt waiting for some dude to drop out of the sky. plus i don't want to put unrealistic (or maybe a better word is ungodly) expectations on a guy or on a future relationship.

i'm having trouble figuring out how much work or focus on dating is too much, or not enough, or just right. i used to think a relationship would just happen; it'd be a natural thing. i'd be doing my thing and some great godly guy would be doing his thing and our paths would cross somehow. there'd be some kind of mutual interest and then something would develop. but now i'm a little confused. i still want it to happen that way.... it's just not. i've been doing my thing for quite some time and it hasn't worked yet.

then i hear things that make me think i need to work at this more. don't get me wrong, i've done some work. i've taken multiple shots at internet dating, i've gone on a lot of dates with a lot of random guys, and i feel like i'm really open and outgoing. i meet new people relatively often. a while back evan emailed me and said he'd heard james dobson on the radio saying that if he really wanted to be married, he'd be working hard at it. he'd be going to new places and hanging with new people if he didn't see any options in sight. as in, if there's no fish in your little pond, go find a new pond. evan said that dobson was saying he would relocate to find love, move to another city, find new clubs or organizations, join a new church, reach out to new people.

woah. that's a lot of work. and i struggle with that. i really do want to be married. should i completely change my life and social habits if i'm not meeting anyone worth dating? should i focus on it more? or should i just let go, and instead focus on loving and serving god? it does seem like there are a lot of people who meet someone great when they least expect it; when they let go of searching and just live for a while.

ok. i'm going to marinate on this some more. you do the same.


Anonymous said...

Like anything else in life, I think if something seems to be ramping up, you should go with it and put extra effort or attention. In the meantime, keep balance.

You should not feel guilty about putting some effort towards a possible relationship, if something comes on the horizon.

Takes two to tango.

Anonymous said...

Interesting comment about tango - but it did not come from me, probably the only tango dancer who reads your blog. My son (closer to your age) comments that he enjoys spending time with a variety of women (the opposite of the so-called "biblical dating" paradidm put forth by many) because it gives him experience with dealing with and relating to women. I am sure the opposite is true for women relating to men.
-- singlechristianman (who can't get his blogger account to work properly with comment attribution.

European Rock Star said...

Great idea for a blog. I'm looking forward to reading it in its entirety.

I'm pretty sure I know who you are, but it's cooler to leave it as a mystery.

-european rock star

Gina said...

I waited nearly ten years for God to just bring someone into my life. And He didn't. So I started putting a little more work into finding someone. And my take on it is this: All the things we do to meet new people or begin new relationships are just tools. God's still in control of my love life, even though I'm looking on Christian dating sites or going new places to look for possibilities. He's sovereign and can still choose to say "no" to any guy that I meet. So I've stopped stressing about whether I should be putting effort into meeting someone...God's in control either way.

single/certain said...

anon2: i totally thought that first comment was from you! oh well.

e.r.s.... we'll leave things mysterious.... but your nickname tells me you are correct :-)

gina.... thanks for reading! and yeah, so far most of the advice i'm getting is backing up what you say. thanks for commenting!

Angel said...

I think Gina has the right idea. Put as much work into it as you feel inspired to do and God will take care of the rest.

Thanks for stopping by my blog. I appreciate the kind comments.

Amir Larijani said...

This is where I think Debbie Maken--for all my issues with her--has some traction. Her "enlisting agent" idea is not a bad one, even if the details are somewhat nebulous.

Personally, I am aware of the problems with the "dating game". It has yielded no positive results for me, and it isn't because I haven't tried.

At any rate, I feel your pain. Of course, if you lived in my locale, I'd be trying to rob a cradle. ;)

bev said...

So I haven't posted in a while but now it is time. The thought that kept striking me while reading is this...There is no formula!!!! Oh how I wish there were. It would be so much easier if someone could provide and 5-7 step process on how to find what you want and make it work. The reality is that there is no right answer. Biblical or not, women have been aggressive and found relationships... or completely submissive and passive, still finding relationships. Trust is the key. Keep growing, keep trying to prepare yourself to be a better woman in that future relationship. I think you are still waiting for that magical missing piece to fall in place. The piece you know is missing yet you just aren't sure what it looks like or where it goes. Looking at you, I see an amazing woman so deserving a quality man. Keep going in the direction you are, be aware and then sit in trust. The tension is never fun, but a definite mark of your spiritual maturity and growth.

single/certain said...

bev, i am so glad you posted! you are the best. you know what phrase kept coming up into my head last night as i tried to fall asleep? 'delicious tension.' i'm not so sure about the delicious part; maybe that adjective came into my head cause i was kind of hungry. but i think maybe god wants me to enjoy the tension, just like you and i and rob bell have all talked about. live in it. love it. embrace it.

single/certain said...

thanks for the comments, amir :-) and yeah, the agency thing is good. i've enlisted a friend of mine's parents, but they interact less with guys my age than i do.