circumstances change, god's promises don't

when i first started this blog, i would write down snippets of post ideas on post-it notes and stick them in my journal. i came across one this morning that says here, in my singleness, god will appear to me. i am not leaving until i can really see him. underneath that i had written obedience and then underneath that, phil 1:6. woah. i'm not leaving?

philippians 1:6 is a great verse. but i kept reading in philippians, and i came across 1:19-20.

i am continuing to rejoice. i know that what's happened and continues to happen will turn out for my deliverance, my character building, and my being the image of jesus for someone else. the last part of verse 20, with just a simple phrase change, sort of sums it up, for me. below is the passage, with my phrase change in italics....

Yes, and I will continue to rejoice, 19 for I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. 20 I eagerly expect and hope that I will in no way be ashamed, but will have sufficient courage so that now as always Christ will be exalted in my body, whether in singleness or in marriage.

if i can't see or experience christ right now, with my circumstances as they are, what makes me think i will be able to experience him more or better with different circumstances? god controls circumstances, not the other way around.

i saw rob bell speak last night. wow. as he reminded me, god is already on my side. it's finished. he's for me. no matter what circumstances now say, thousands of years of history and the stories of those years as told in the bible prove that god is on my side. i have sufficient courage. i will exalt you, christ, no matter what. i want to exalt you. i can honestly say that i would rather stay here and exalt you and understand you and feel my heart wanting to be about what you are about. i would rather have all of that right now than drop it to meet someone and move toward being married.

woah. that is big for me. really big for me.

holidays, reunions and fabulousness

so happy post thanksgiving. i had family in town and was busy with them for most of the break, so i was slacking on the posting. the break was a lot of fun. and i have to say that for the first time in a really long time, i didn't really feel any pangs of loneliness over the holiday. even when my dad, his girlfriend, my brother and his wife and i went out to dinner. even when i sat by myself in the back of my brother and his wife's car on the way home from black friday shopping. i felt pretty comfortable and content the whole time. it was great!

believe it or not, i even felt comfortable when i went to... my ten year high school reunion! yup. i showed up alone, sparkled and shone for about 4 hours, and left alone. and it was great.

i was kind of a nerd in high school. too tall, too skinny, and too insecure. i know most of us have that last one in common. i'm a pretty humble person, most of the time, but i have to say... i looked fabulous at my reunion. how do i know this? first of all, i felt fabulous. and second of all, people told me i looked fabulous. not just, hey you look good! but i mean, like, wow, sc! you look fabulous! i mean, like really, really good! even the people who used to be popular back in the day were saying it.

i actually had a really great time. i walked around chatting with people i haven't seen in years, feeling fabulous the whole time. even when people asked me if i was married. nope! i'd say, and then i'd laugh or look mischievous.

i am so thankful to be in this place where i am secure and confident. and i'm not even dating anyone! i've struggled with self confidence since i was in middle school. i'm not 100% sure what all has contributed to me feeling so good recently. i think some of it's just me deciding i'm sick of feeling insecure.

if you don't feel fabulous at least 30 to 50% of the time, stop and think about why. and then do something about it. seriously. god wants you to feel fabulous. so do i! oh and so does your future spouse!

a happy, hope-filled holiday season?

strolling through my local target tonight, i had my first big christmas retail experience of the season. trees, lights, ornaments, christmas dishses, christmas towels... you name it, they had it. and it's not even thanksgiving yet. i even almost bought a christmas gift, but i didn't have cell service in the store so i couldn't call my friend to ask if her mom wants a certain home decor item for christmas.

as i meandered through the christmas ornament aisle, i noticed a young couple looking at ornament packages. they seemed to be trying to decide what color scheme to go with. that seems like it would be fun, i thought, smiling. picking out your first christmas ornaments and decorations together. sure, i could buy a tree and decorate it myself, or do it with my roommate, but i don't think either of us will be around much during the holidays. and besides, as most of you would probably agree, it's just not the same.

the cool thing about seeing this couple was what happened inside me... i was really happy for them! and my happy thoughts for them were followed by happy thoughts for me; someday i'll do that. not this year, probably not next year, but someday. and it feels good to feel happy. to be able to be happy for someone else and happy about the hope that i have.

google/giggle

i'm trying not to do too much of either, but it's freaking hard. i had one conversation with this guy, yet i am really having to work hard to keep him out of my thoughts. i want to talk about him and be giggly with some of my girlfriends. i want to google him at work all the time. ridiculous!

but... i've done ok so far. steady doses of reality (i don't even know him!) and prayer are helping. that and the fact that i've walked down the fantasy path before, and the after-effects weren't pretty.

i'm trying to guard my heart and my mind. it's hard!

quality, not quantity

sometimes i get down because i feel like i know all of the quality single (& tall) guys in my city. is that a ridiculous way to feel? oh sure. i totally admit that. but sometimes it feels that way. i've lived in this city more or less my entire life, and i have an ever-evolving group of single friends ranging from 22 to about 42. if some great new guy appeared, i like to think i'd hear about him pretty quickly. or at least see him at church. (i go to a gigantic mega church that's a seeker-friendly/emerging-church type place; it also seems to be the place to go if you're single)

so imagine my surprise when i show up for volleyball last week and start chatting with a rather attractive tall guy who seems to be pretty quality. oddly enough, i'd seen his name in a few of the local free papers for various charity and young professional events. he has kind of a weird last name and a double first name, so it stuck in my head. when i met him, i thought, ohhhh... you're that guy! hmm... from what i've seen, you're quality! cool!

and then imagine my surprise when i realize that this attractive, quality, tall, smart guy is flirting with me! woah!!! i almost didn't know what to do. but i think i managed to pull myself together enough to flirt back. we had great conversation for a while, but unfortunately, i left without him asking for my number. no biggy; i figure god will take care of that part. i'm not worried.

so hope is restored! there are, in fact, tall, quality, available men out there who i have not met yet. and even though i'd like to think i know all the available men at my mega-church, i don't. because this guy apparently goes there. i found out from a friend of a friend at church today that this guy both goes to my church and is in a small group. amazing. just when i think i have it all figured out, god pulls another trick out of his sleeve. thanks, god!

learning from my mistakes

i still feel a little guilty, but i have done what i need to do, and i really feel like i've learned this lesson. what exactly is it i've learned? well, when it comes to friends of the opposite sex:
• be open and honest. if you only like the guy as a friend, be sure he knows that.

• don't avoid hard or awkward conversations. i avoided talking about dating or what i was looking for in a guy around seth. i probably did this because on some level i knew he liked me as more than a friend and i enjoyed the attention and didn't want to change anything.

• make sure your actions follow your words. i know that as a christ follower, this should be a no-brainer. but in this context i really think it's extra important. if you're saying we're just friends, then act like it. don't spend all your free time with him. don't be overly flirty with him. don't do overly "coupley" things with him. not sure? then listen to the voices inside you (holy spirit, conscience) and the ones around you. with me and seth, i was definitely hearing voices and ignoring them. both the voice of the holy spirit inside me and the voices of friends who were telling me that he really liked me.

• guard your heart and his. sometimes people don't understand that they're not guarding their hearts, and you have to kind of help them out. i'm not exactly sure what that looks like, but i know i didn't do it with seth. i guess it means that if you have any inkling that your guy 'friend' might like you as more than a friend, be careful. don't take him or the friendship for granted.

i think it all boils down to really serving and loving the other person. putting him and his heart and his feelings first. the last few days i've been thinking about ways i can start practicing that with my friends and family. i've started to pray specifically that i could be less selfish.

want to add anything to the list? comment it!

hurting someone sucks

it just does. especially when you know you could have avoided it. of course, i would say that being hurt sucks more. as sad as i feel right now, i'm sure seth probably feel worse.

why do we always think we can take short cuts or be reckless or negligent, and nothing will come of it? i see so many things i shouldn't have done. we were just friends, but i never talked about dating or relationships around him. i avoided topics like that because i knew that they'd create distance. seth admitted last night that he avoided admitting he liked me because he knew that meant he'd lose me. so we both denied and avoided... until suddenly i found myself curled up on the couch with him.

i never want to think i am capable of being as selfish as i was with seth. but i am. such a scary reminder of all the crap that hides in a human heart. i've asked forgiveness from god and seth, and have received it from both. that feels good.

i am hoping and praying that this won't happen again. i'm also hoping and praying seth is able to heal and connect to others, and that at some point we'll be able to be friends again.