i'm baaaaaack...

hey all! sorry for the silence; i've been thinking about a LOT of things the last few months, and most of them i didn't feel comfortable writing about yet for a few reasons. the biggest reason is that i'm quitting my job. i've known that for a while (since mid september), but didn't want to tell too many people because i didn't think that'd be a good idea. most of the things i've wanted to write about have been related in some way to the gigantic life change i'm making. so i just haven't written anything. kinda lame, i know. :) but no worries; now is the time for all to be revealed.

so.... why am i quitting my job? well, there are TONS of reasons. i've known since the day i started as an associate designer at a interactive marketing agency (translation; doing web & graphic design at an ad agency that mostly does web stuff) that i didn't want to do it forever. but i could never figure out exactly what it was i'd rather be doing. so i stayed and made the most of it, which wasn't too difficult for a while.

now, five years later, after ups and downs and happy times and sad/angry/frustrating times, i've figured it out. or rather, i calmed down and listened to god and he showed me. starting in january, i'll be a full-time graduate student, pursuing a teaching license and masters degree so i can be an art teacher.

i'm so excited. scared, too, but the excitement beats the scared. i know, without a doubt, that this is the path i'm supposed to go down right now. and that is awesome, for so many reasons. i'll be sharing those reaons, too. i'm certain that this career change will affect so many areas of my life and my relationship with god, my friends, and my family.

a boyfriend i didn't know i had!

so apparently vball dude and i are dating, and i had no idea! will wonders never cease!?

saturday night i got a call from an old friend. i let it go to voicemail, as it was late, i had just gotten back from a pool party, and i was ready for bed. but then my friend, trevor, texted me. call me! it's urgent-ish!!! urgent-ish? umm, ok.... i let out a nice sigh and went out on the deck to call him back so i wouldn't wake my roommate.

the first words out of his mouth when he answered the phone were so i hear you have a hot boyfriend!!! umm... i do? i replied. yeah! some guy from the trip! trevor tossed out a couple of names that were close to vball dude's. uh, do you mean vball dude? yeah! he shouted. vball dude! i hear you guys got together on that trip you took!

at this point i just started laughing. i told him that no, we weren't dating, at least not to my knowledge. aww, bummer he said. no biggy i said. but where did you hear this!? you weren't on the trip, and you don't even go to our church! turns out his coworker was on the trip, and she heard the rumor from another girl who'd also been on the trip.

the whole thing made me laugh. i've never had rumors spread about me! i have to admit, i kind of like it :) of course, i probably like it because vball dude is tall, good-looking, a solid leader, and oh yeah i kind of have an on again, off again crush on him. but seriously... where on earth did this come from!? it wasn't like we spent tons of time together on the trip. he talked to and spent time with a lot of girls while we were down there. (that's another topic for another time...) i really can't think of anything that happened that would have made anyone think we were dating.

oh well. like i said, i like it. i feel popular... like people think i'm dating a celebrity or something! vball dude is prett well known, especially now that he's been interviewed onstage about the trip. (i know, i know... kind of lame. hey, i'll take what i can get, ok?!)

a completely shallow and gratuitous post

even though i've been busy recently, i found some time to catch a little of the olympics. and even if i hadn't seen anything, it's hard to escape the media frenzy around michael phelps. he's everywhere!

and that's my excuse... he's everywhere! that's why i can't stop looking. yup, that's my excuse. i stare cause he's all over the place, not because i have never. seen. such. an. amazing. body. in. my. entire. life. he's long and lean and sinewy and WOW. and those shoulders!

i know the common opinion is that he's not all that good-looking, but i actually think he's pretty cute. he's no male model, but he's cute. and the rest of him is so hot... that more than makes up for any perceived lack of hotness in his face.

ok. shallow SC is signing off now. i'm sure i've offended or grossed out more than a few of you. sorry! normal SC will return next post. for all you other phelps-lovers out there:

for whom the bell tolls

the wedding bell, that is. so my dad told me yesterday that he asked his girlfriend to marry him. i'm so happy for him; the woman he's been dating for a while now is really nice, has a wonderful family, and so far seems to think the world of him. she also seems to be a strong catholic, which is nice, as my dad is too.

it wasn't until several hours after i got off the phone with my dad that some sadness started to kick in. it's all totally irrational, and i'm fine today, but... i was a little teary for a while. my dad's girlfriend will probably move in with him in the house i grew up in once they're married. i started to wonder... will my room still be my room? can i still go home whenever i want? can i still show up for dinner whenever i want? i'm sure things will be fine, but this has been a lot to think about.

my brother is married. many of my close friends are married. (some even have a kid or two). and now my dad will be, too. it makes me feel even less anchored... like so many people around me are anchored in some way, and i'm not. still living in my apartment, still single, and as of lately, thinking a lot about a career change.

but, i'm cool... i'm ok. i know what god has in store for me, sooner or later. and i have him. it's hard, and a little lonely, but exciting too. it's exciting to know that god's working in me right now, and that so many awesome things are still ahead of me.

self control, staring, and vball dude.

i just got back from an amazing week spent building houses with my 300 people from my church and staff from habitat for humanity. it was an awesome trip, and i'm home now with a lot to think and pray about, and a pretty big thing to put in motion. god really showed up for me down in new orleans, and i am so thankful. there might be more on that in the future.

i also came home with a reminder that giving god control of my dating/relating life is still a daily struggle. and i still want someone to want me. even though i'm not really sure i want this particular guy.

vball dude (about him) (some follow up here and here) was on the trip. he was also on my bus. and on my work site. and basically just around me almost all the time. and i spent a good chunk of mental and spiritual energy wondering if i like him, and whether or not that matters, because he's not chasing. such a waste on my part.

i'm not going to get into all of it, but i'll share a thing or two. guys, if you're not into a girl, and you have no intention of pursuing her, don't stare at her. a couple times through the trip i thought i felt vball dude's eyes on me. i thought i was being dumb, so i put it out of my head, but one of my guy friends, evan, brought it up one night when we were all out dancing and having a good time. what's up with you and vballl dude? he asked. you guys were talking a lot tonight, and he's been staring at you a lot. ok, good, so i'm not crazy, i replied. i thought i caught him staring a few times. but, for as much as he stares, he's still not biting. at that point, it was toward the end of the trip, and without chasing him, i'd done what i could to just kind of communicate openness. attempts at conversation, a compliment here and there, a smile, whatever. but nothing in return. no questions, no real back and forth developing.

as much as i struggled through the trip, i'm proud of myself. there were a lot of times i wanted to initiate more conversation, get closer to him, etc. but i didn't. i held off. i told myself, i will not chase. i will not manipulate. i will be pursued. if not by him, then i will wait for someone else.

it can be frustrating, though, to feel that inconsistency coming from someone you think is kinda cool. my friend andy watched vball dude a little through the trip, and what he said made me feel better. he's definitely not engaging, he said one night. he's definitely holding himself back, as if he's been hurt or is taking a break or something. that actually made me feel good; maybe he's really solid, and he's interested, but can't pursue right now, for whatever reason. i can't say i saw him chase anyone else; he was just his usual friendly, slightly flirty self.

the funny thing, too, is that i'm still not even sure i like him. i've observed some things i don't like. and he's not giving me any solid signs he's interested. just the staring a few other random things. i also know i tend to over-analyze. he hasn't been a christian too terribly long; maybe the staring is just him staring at an attractive girl. maybe i'm reading too much into that and every other behaviour. i'm willing to admit i do that sometimes.

the good thing is the trip is over, and i don't have to see much more of him. maybe a trip post-mortem with the leadership team, and then the trip celebration in september, and that should be it. that makes it easier; if he's not around, i'll stop wondering and move on. which is what i should have done from the get-go.

too much to think tonight

You will never find anyone
To come along and take you by surprise
Because you’ve had too much to think tonight.

The Futureheads, Think Tonight

some sage advice from a silly song. i love it. of course, i also love the driving beat and punkish guitar, not to mention the hig-pitched 'ha ha ha ha's.'

i want to be taken by surprise! i want some great dude to show up when i least expect it. so obviously, i have to stop expecting it. i have to turn off the over-analyzing and the what-if fantasies that often play in my head before i go somewhere. it's hard when my head (and heart) have been over-analyzing for like 15 years. ridiculous, i know.

die another day

so dying to things i love is hard. the good kind of hard, yeah, but hard.

there are a couple of guys part of me really wants to pursue. it's little stupid stuff, but as soon as i do it, i feel a little kick of remorse. oops, i shouldn't have done that, i think. i texted vball dude the other day. it's not a huge deal, because at this point we're kind of friends, but still... i feel some weirdness there, maybe because i'm not sure how i feel about him. i don't think i like him, but is it because i'm pretty sure he doesn't like me, or is it because i don't really like him, i just want him to like me? or is it because i might like him, but i don't want to get any closer because i'm not getting a return vibe and i don't want to deal with rejection?

who knows. but honestly, it doesn't matter! i gave up manipulating, plotting, freaking out, over-analyzing; basically trying to get myself a date. and so again, i tell myself and i tell god, not my job. i told god he could have all of this, and i meant it.

so i continue to go to him in prayer over these things. i confess when i feel like i'm starting to take the reins again, and i lay control issues back down in front of him, and it's good.

to keep with the theme...

you can always die a little more, right?

so i put dating in the coffin awhile back and died to it. but as most of you know, dying to yourself and your desires isn’t a one-time thing, it’s a process. a continual process (that’s probably redundant, i know). i am obviously very much still in process.

the latest step of the process has been me giving over another dating-related area of my life/heart to god. for lack of a better word, we’ll call it timing.

i love and trust god. i know his ways and plans and rules are best, for him, for me, and for everyone else. giving over dating gave me a wonderful feeling of peace that transcends worry or any temporary fix i might have come up with myself (funny how the peace of god can do that, huh?)

but until this past weekend, i hadn’t really believed with all my heart and mind and soul that god’s timing for me and marriage was really perfect. i was still holding onto feelings of hurt and bitterness and anger and frustration. i still felt like my singleness was for no good reason. almost like i was serving some singleness sentence, and i didn’t know why.

but god used several events to set me straight. and he did it in such a wonderful way. a very old and very dear friend spoke some encouraging and truthful words to me that got me thinking. we were talking, and i was kind of complaining and hinting at the fact that i felt so far behind all of our friends, life-wise. no marriage, no kids, not even a steady boyfriend. after listening to me for a while, she said, you know, sc, you’ve grown so much in the last four or five years, and so much of that has even been in the last year. the man you might have chosen to be your husband a year or two or three ago would have been very different than the man you would choose now. and that is so awesome! and remember; you still have so many good things to look forward to! i’ve already met the guy, gotten engaged, gotten married, and had my first kid. and it was all wonderful. and you still have all of that to look forward to!

with those words, i started to see my situation in a new light. the next morning, the sermon at church picked up where my friend’s words left off. the pastor was talking about pride and how worry and anxiety can create it. he read from 1 peter 5, and talked about how we’re supposed to give our anxiety and worry to god and replace them in our minds/hearts with god himself. and honestly i’m pretty sure i’ve heard that before, but this time it clicked. put the first things first. put god first and he’ll take care of everything else. trust him with the things you’re most afraid to give up or most worried about, focus on being close to him, and rejoice in the transcending peace he gives. yes, virginia, it is that easy. at least in theory...

after the sermon the pastor initiated some guided prayer. usually these things don’t work so well for me; i can't concentrate or focus with all the people around. but as soon as i bowed my head, i knew what i needed to pray about and give over to god; timing. i gave god all of my anger and hurt and bitterness. i asked for his forgiveness for me holding onto that for so long, and for me believing deep down that i somehow have been getting the short end of the stick, that somehow i know better and think i should have been married by now. i get it god, i told him. you’ve been working in me, even when it didn’t feel like it. i am different now, and i am glad to be different. i trust you; i trust that you have a plan. i believe that all things work for your good in this area of my life.

and then it gets a little weird. i’m not sure about this next part, but i’m going to write about it anyway. my friend’s words from the night before came into my head. you still have all those wonderful things ahead of you: meeting the guy, getting engaged, getting married, having kids… and felt like god was telling me to just relax. i felt him say, you’ll have those things. i want to give them to you. you’ll have a boyfriend, a marriage, a family. i want to give you those things; they are good things, and you want them, and i want you to have them. so just relax and trust me!

it's such a rare thing for me to hear god promise me specific things. but once i started to really give him control of this area of my life, he met me. i took some steps, and he met me. it's given me such peace. whether i get married a year from now or 10 years from now, i know it will happen, and i know that the time until it happens won't be a waste.

inspiration

i hope that some day i can love this well.
"How can I stay in love with a man who hasn't spoken to me in a year and a half? A man who can't plan a special date for us, can't tell me anything without me asking first, can't challenge me, earn money for us, lead us in devotions or call me at work to see how my day is going. I dont' know how. I also don't know how God still loves me, someone who has nothing to offer Him. But both have happened and have made my life infinitely better."

from prayforian.com

what's your dream?

so our company had an offsite recently. that's where all 200 of us go somewhere cool, play bonding games, and brainstorm ideas to make our company better. it sounds cheesy, but it's actually pretty cool. they're usually fun and light-hearted, and they always end with an open bar (take from that what you will. for the record, i had one drink and then left).

during one session, we took turns sharing a couple of random things about ourselves with each other in groups of 6 or 8. one of the questions we took turns answering was 'name a dream you have.' as people went around the table sharing various things, i sat there trying to think of something appropriate to say.

i work in advertising. i'm surrounded by intense, driven professionals who dream of traveling the world, opening their own small businesses, landing big-name accounts, and changing the world. people shared some typical things, and a few non-typical things. when my turn came, i made up some lame answer about traveling the world doing humanitarian type work. um.... right. i mean, yeah, it would be cool to do that, but, i have to say it's not exactly something i lay awake at night thinking about.

but i couldn't bring myself to say what i really wanted to say. i really wanted to say that my dream is to be married. to be a wife. kids, yeah, sure. but first, marriage. but i didn't say that. i thought it would sound cheesey and get me a lot of strange looks. and i didn't think anyone else would say anything even close. imagine my surprise when a guy in my group, an account executive, says, my dream is to have a family. i want to get married and have a couple of kids. i love kids, and i really want some of my own some day.

i was shocked. in a good way, of course. and disappointed with myself. why couldn't i share with my coworkers my dream of being married? i mean, if this guy could do it, why coudn't i?

i've never been a person to care too much about what people think of my hopes and dreams. but i guess the fact that i couldn't own up to my real dream of being married clues me in that i'm not as real and transparent as i maybe like to think i am. i'll have to think about that some.

since i died to dating...

so what's been different?

outwardly, not much. at least i don't think so. but inwardly, things are starting to change. it's weird; i don't know that i would call dating or my desire for marriage an idol, per se. i mean, maybe i should, but it doesn't seem to really fit that category.

basically, i stopped trying. i know that sounds bad, but it feels good; as if that's what god has wanted me to do for a while; give control to him. especially mental control. and i have to admit, it's been really freeing.

i feel like this sounds weird, so here's an example. a week or so after i decided to let go of this stuff, i was doing some planning and thinking about my upcoming church/humanitarian trip to new orleans. randomly, i thought, hmm... i should talk to my coworker dan and find out if his good-looking single friend christopher is thinking about going on the trip. i should try and encourage him to go. but as soon as that thought entered my head, i was like, wait, what? NO! not my job! not what i need to be worrying about. and it felt really good to recognize that, and tell that thought to take off! (eh!)

that seems to be the root of it. turning off my radar, turning off the voice that tells me to always be on the lookout and always try to make the most of any/every interaction. i don't want to be 'on' all the time. i just want to be myself. i want to be more worried about other things; helping people, serving, loving. not when and where and how i'll meet some great guy. it'll happen. i am friendly and outgoing and confident and attractive.

and i think good things are coming out of this. like my pastor said; dying to the things we want enables us to love better. that's ultimately what i want; to love better. to love anyone and everyone better. more. with the love of christ; the self-sacrificing, self-denying love of christ.

the other reason i haven't had much to say

back in april, there was a sermon at church that basically was about dying to self. our pastor, brian, started out by lugging a big treasure chest up on stage and talking about how we all have treasure we lug around with us, and how our treasure keeps us from loving others.

he pulled various items out of the treasure chest and described how they were things that he had had to die to. for example, one thing was a log cabin. he said he'd always wanted a little cabin off in the woods somewhere, to go do 'man things in the woods.' (ha.) but, instead of saving money for a down payment and a mortgage on a cabin for him, he and his family were putting their money toward other things, like charitable giving and supporting people and organizations doing kingdom work. he still wanted the cabin, but had died to it in order to do other things. in order to love other people.

he went through a bunch of things, and at the end of each description, he'd toss each thing (toy log cabin, for example) into a big pine coffin on the stage. of course at the end of the service, there was time to pray and ask god what it was that we needed to put in the coffin.

it wasn't a big voice, or an intense feeling, or anything like that. but i knew. i knew i had to put my desire for a husband into the coffin. i knew i had to give up complete control and put it in there and die to it and close the lid and not look back. and so i did.

i died to my intense longing to find a husband. i put it in a coffin and told god he could have all of it. and i walked out of church feeling pretty good. it wasn't any kind of big deal; no tears or intensity or anything, like i said.... it was just this feeling like, yup, ok. i'm tired of this, you can have it.

so what's different about me now? and why'd i have to put a perfectly normal and healthy desire to death? sit tight. i'll get to that. just not right now.

where have i been? nowhere, really.

so it's been like 3 months since i last posted. um, yeah. so i just felt like i had nothing to say for a while there. i kind of wanted to take a break from all of this singleness talk for a while. i've kept up with other people's blogs, and have been reading the boundless line and commenting there. i just didn't have anything to say that i really thought was meaningful.

so what's happened in my life? not much. i mean, i didn't stop posting because i started dating some guy or anything else cool or dramatic like that. here are some of the more (or less, depending on who you are, i guess) interesting updates:
• still haven't seen or heard anything from seth. don't think i will. it's sad, and i miss him sometimes, but i know it's all good, and it's probably better that we don't run into each other. or maybe it's just easier.
• remember vball dude? and that trip i'm helping plan? the planning committee for the trip meets like every other week. i see him about that often, and am in email contact with him pretty regularly. and i have to say i've pretty much lost all interest in him. more on that later
• my roommate is going to switzerland for two months this summer. she leaves in 2 weeks. that'll be interesting
• my ex-boyfriend got married a month or two ago. (hi ex-boyfriend, if you're reading, and new wife of ex-boyfriend; congratulations! ) i'm not weirded out or pining away or anything... it was just a little odd. i think i always thought i'd get married before him. i don't know why i thought that, but i did. pride, maybe. perhaps more on that later, too.

that's all i can think of right now. hopefully i'll get back into the swing of writing things. i feel like i've learned a lot and grown a lot in the last few months. ps thanks to all those (single xtian man et. al) who noticed me not writing and encouraged me to come back or asked what was up. :)

not related to anything!

this song is amazing. the joy it puts inside me is indescribable.
go to 7 digital and by it and all the remixes of it, especially the bimbo jones remix. the only way i can tie this to relationships or anything like that is that i would play this song at my wedding reception when my wedding party and me and my husband enter the reception hall.

but what i really really want is...

all the 'good' stuff i've been doing has been overwhelming me lately. don't get me wrong; i'm involved in awesome stuff. but when the awesome stuff is piling up higher than i can see, it doesn't feel so awesome any more. it feels like chains stretching and pulling me in every direction.

so i've been feeling stressed out, over-committed and lonely lately. i feel like i've been giving so much of myself away and yet not feeling any better about anything. luckily i've been steeped in truth enough to know that you can't keep pouring water out of a can with out filling it up. i need a fill up. i'm just not sure where to get it. but that's another post for maybe another time.

in the midst of all the down feelings, i threw myself a little singleness pity party. it left me thinking hard about a kind of dilemma....

the dilemma is as follows; i can't think of anything i want more than to be married. i can't think of any job i want or any place i want to go or any thing i'd like to have instead of marriage. ok, fine. right now, getting to marriage seems to be completely out of my control. i also have what i'll call a feeling, or maybe an impression, that i'm not supposed to be chasing marriage right now. i'm not supposed to be biding my time putting my profile on singles sites and combing the lists of eligible bachelors. i'm supposed to be living my life and loving god and others. (just go with me on that last one for a minute.)

so the big problem is that everything else i do feels like something to pass the time; every volunteer project i take on, every dream i have about buying that building down the street or buying a house or just spending another year in my large dirt cheap apartment. it all just feels like second place. like, ok, since i can't have what i really want, what else can i do that will make me kind of happy for a while and keep me from focusing too much on being single?

the only solution i can come up with is that i need to pray to ask god to make me want him and want what he has for me more than what i want right now (marriage). can i just tell you how much i really don't like that? i want what i want, god! give it to me!!!!

it's kind of overwhelming. the whole 'what do i do with my life' question. i mean, yea, sure, i'm doing the little small things.... being more generous with my time and money, etc, etc. but i need a vision. i need to be moving toward something. i need to feel like i have a tangible end goal.

ok. i'm rambling. and whining.

i admit it...

i descended into the madness of the marriage mandate debate. i feel kind of bad about it, but what's done is done.

what did i do? i attempted to put the verbal smackdown on debbie maken. i admit it. my motives were not pure or wholesome. i was shocked and angry, and i reacted with sarcasm. this woman is a somewhat well-known christian writer, and yet in many places around the internet you can find her making callous and downright meant comments. below are some of my favorites, so you can see what i mean. i'm sure amir can dig up more :-)

from comments on a boundless article:
"I have nothing to clarify or add about page 185 of the book. You got a 45 year old bachelor, go figure. Either a late bloomer, either was too picky, either consistently choosing poor quality women to date, either no effort, . . . at some point people need to take responsibility for where they are due to decisions/inactions they have made all along the way. The presumption of innocence that Anna did not indulge the 45 year old Christian male in is understandable, as well as her refusal to reward."

from comments on her own blog:
"So, farmer Tom, spare me the condescension of most women being feminist, men-disrespecting, corporate ladder climbing, career lovers, somehow leaving hapless, well-intentioned men in a dusty haze of confusion. Get off your bottom, be a "man," so that a woman will actually be attracted to you, and quit making excuses."

(note: farmer tom is married with kids)

maken has some good points in her book. but as several people have noted previously, they've all been eclipsed by her judgmental and often downright mean attitude.

i'm going to leave off the debate on this now and return to simply living my life and sharing my struggles and triumphs as a single woman. things should hopefully be quieting down in my life over the next few weeks, so hopefully i'll have more time to post again.

the balancing act

like i said in my previous post, i've been really busy lately. for the most part, it's a good busy. i'm doing a lot more service-type stuff. i'm serving with creative team, a group at my church that meets weekly to build and paint stuff for the kids' programs. i'm also helping out with a one-day city-wide service project and of course, the new orleans trip.

and it's good. it's really good; i feel like i'm growing and stretching into a kinder, more selfless person. i feel like i'm even trying to love and serve my friends more.

but.... (and you knew there'd be a but!) none of this great awesome stuff completely replaces that hope that someday soon i'll meet someone worth going on at least a few dates with. i'd be lying to you (and you probably wouldn't believe me anyway) if i told you otherwise.

i'm having a lot of fun. and i feel good about growing and maturing, and most importantly, connecting with god more. but of course, it's still there. you know what i'm talking about. the desire. the looking. the wondering. the scanning the crowd at church. i know it's both impossible and wrong to turn it off all the way, and i'm glad that it seems to have quieted down a little. i seem to be more able to focus on god and his work than i have been in a long time.

but..... all that being said, personal growth and marriage are not mutually exclusive things. discovering how to draw nearer to god doesn't have to happen in a state of singleness. it's just that way with me, i guess.

ok. focusing on the awesomeness, not the absence. i know you love me and have a plan, god.

hey

so i've been wanting to post. i swear. i've been wanting to share about the singleness-related things that have been happening, or write about serving on this planning committee with vball dude. but, well, i just don't have much to say. plus i haven't the time to write about anything.

my life is full of stuff right now. good stuff! stuff that keeps me too busy to think much about being single or the marriage mandate vs. the gift of singleness. instead i am thinking about other things. sometimes it's small practical things like t-shirt price quotes for the shirts we'll need for the trip to new orleans. other times it's bigger things, but it's bigger things that i don't have my head wrapped around enough to write about.

no matter what i'm thinking about, though, i'm pretty happy right now. has my desire for a husband (or at least a boyfriend first) gone away? nope. but it isn't so big right now. i have other things to think about. things i can be a part of right now. change in people's lives, all over the world. my friends, people in my city, people in new orleans, and people in places like india and south africa, where my church has partnerships. god is using me and the things he's given me in all of those places.

plus, i have dutch pop! go to itunes and check out Hej Matematik!!! du og jeg is a good song to start with.

random things about me

ok, so i got tagged by amir over at singlemind.net. even though i try really hard to keep this blog focused on singleness and related triumphs and struggles, i'll digress a little just this once and post ten random facts about myself.

1. i'm ridiculously tall and skinny (at least so far in my life. people keep telling me that will change, but at 28 it hasn't changed much). i'm 6'1"

2. i've had jaw surgery twice and have seven screws in my jaw

3. i love hockey. it's my favorite sport to watch, and i played some in high school.

4. i love god. i love knowing that no matter what the future holds, if i'm seeking him, then i'm constantly being made more like Him. so even though in 10 years i may not have what i want right now, i'll still be more like Him than i am right now.

5. i really enjoy the emerging church movement and how it's stretching my faith.

6. i really enjoy reading, learning and talking about relationships and relational growth. likewise i like listening to and encouraging people in their relational journeys.

7. i love good food and good wine, and i love them even more when good friends and good conversation are thrown in.

8. i lived in rome, italy for a year. i was interning with campus crusade for christ. i loved being in rome. i think i could throw a dart at europe, go where the dart landed, and enjoy myself.

9. music! electronica, 80s, europop, techno, alternative, some rap & hip hop. i love good tunes.

10. last but not least, i once was madly in love with and thought i would marry a guy named zsolt. yeah, really.

gaining knowledge and hope from married people

a couple of weeks ago i resumed my place on the creative team at my church (i'd stopped going for awhile, due to some scheduling crazyness). we meet once a week, eat together, and do all kinds of cool creative stuff around the building. most of it centers around the kids' area; we build sets that relate to whatever the kids are learning about, paint on the walls, paint the sets, etc. i love it because i'm around all kinds of different people and i get to get my hands dirty with paint and sometimes even a tool or two.

last night i had several conversations with some of my teammates that made me realize how great it is to be around people who are farther down the 'path of life' than i am. one guy on my team, who's a bit older, is getting married in june. or, as he said when i asked him when his wedding is, 'it's 6/7/8, and i can't wait!' (how cute is that!?) i also asked him how he'd met his fiancé, and that was a cute story, too. nothing crazy, just fun to hear.

he talked about the fact that he's kind of shy, and never really talked to women much (which i found a little hard to believe, as he's a cool guy, but i went with it). one night after a church event, he found himself standing next to his future fiancé as he and some friends looked at pictures from a social event on a computer. she said something along the lines of 'that looks like it was fun!' he replied, 'it was! you should've been there!' she said 'how do you know i wasn't?' his response: 'because i would've talked to you if you were there!" and the rest, as people usually say, was history. they talked for an hour after that, and now they're engaged.

i just loved it because it was so simple and cute. and, as he kept telling me, he doesn't usually talk to women. he said he just felt like god totally stepped in and kind of urged him to initiate with this woman. i love hearing stories like that. nothing crazy or weird or über-dramatic, just god bringing two people together.

i also talked a lot with our team leader, an amazing woman who's been with her husband for something like 15 years. they're still very much in love, and it very much shows. even after 4 kids!!! (maybe 5? i can't remember) they both love god so much, and have grown together in a really beautiful way. i'm also so impressed by the way she speaks about him. she never has anything but good things to say about him. how attracted to him she still is, what a good father he is, what a great family he has, etc, etc.

there's something about being around people who have solid marriages... it just gives me so much hope. i walk away thinking, wow, that is soooo cool! that is what i want! i will do the work to get it, god, i promise! and i love hearing stories of how people get together. it's like i'm soaking up the coolness and the hope of the story and filing it away in my brain (and heart!) good stuff.

just an update/smooth sailing...

so i haven't had much to say lately. the single life has been less of a struggle. now and then i'll come home from a night out with friends and feel some loneliness, or notice a bad behavior pattern creeping up and try to nip it. but no major revelations or drama (can i get some wood to knock on?)

mostly i've been spending a lot of time consoling friends. the end of 2007/the beginning of 2008 has brought a lot of my friends back to being single again. i find myself doing a lot of listening and comforting. maybe this is one of the reasons i'm still single. i'm not bragging, but people seem to think i might know a thing or two. or maybe i'm just a good listener? oh, the irony of the indefinitely single 28 year old being the go-to girl for relationship/breakup advice. ha.

i was supposed to go to a planning meeting last week for the building trip i'm going on to new orleans this summer, but i didn't make it because of crappy weather. i was bummed; vball dude is in charge of the whole thing and i would've gotten to see/interact with him. there'll be more meetings. and the whole trip, of course, in august... plenty of time to get to know him some more.

unfortunately, i've gotten busy with all kinds of random stuff. a weekly volunteering thing at church, an extracurricular work activity, a website design for a friend.... i've let all of that keep me from the whole group prayer thing. lame, i know! but i think it will come back around if it needs to. and in the meantime, i'm praying more, and that's always good.

i think better friendships will equal better marriages

what if all of us single people just hunkered down and committed to our friends and family and roommates? what if we took the focus off of ourselves and put it on each other? would we still feel as lonely and isolated and unstable as we currently often do? would we rush into bad dating relationships so quickly or stay in them as long as we do? i think probably not.

i brought this up with my friend evan the other day and he was right there with me; he agreed that our selfishness as single people is causing us to miss out on so many good things that god wants for us. basically, we're saying to god, i want the intimacy and connection and partnership that come with a spouse! and in return he's saying, i know that, and i want that for you too, but right now i'm providing with all of these other people for intimacy and connection and partnership, and you're ignoring them!

evan and i talked about what we thought might change if each of us had a significant other. he said he thought he'd feel more satisfied (amongst other things), and i said i envisioned myself feeling more stable and connected and anchored. we talked about achieving those feelings now, and we agreed that there's no good reason (save our own stubbornness) why we can't move that direction in our current single state.

i think that in order to get there, i've got to start putting other people first on a regular basis. for example; if my friends are going to watch movies and hang out friday night, and i really don't want to watch movies, well, maybe i need to suck it up and go watch movies just to spend some time with them. most of the time, i'd go look for something else to do with some other group of friends. and sometimes that's ok. but if i keep choosing the activity over the people, i never really commit to anyone. i never say you're important enough to me that i'll do something that i don't really like all that much just to spend time with you.

maybe the intimacy we all desperately long for is right in front of our faces. we just have to work a little harder to find it. die to ourselves a little. be a little more vulnerable with a few of our friends. really let them in, and really show them that we want to know them.

i think those things (sacrifice, service, vulnerability) are at the heart of a good marriage. why can't we start learning them now? good relationships are good relationships. a healthy community is a healthy community, no matter if it's singles or couples or a mix of both.

every singleton's favorite holiday

what's a blog about singleness, dating, and relationships without a post about every single person's favorite holiday!? here's mine...

i think i have a unique perspective on this special day. i have been single for every valentines day in my entire life, except one. kinda strange. for the last 3 years, i've done something to mark the day. last year i threw a gigantic singles party at my apartment. i invited every single person i knew and told them to invite their friends. and they did. there were so many people in my apartment, it was ridiculous. i mean we're talking like 100 people. i had meet 'n' greet games, an awesome party soundtrack, champagne punch, and heart shaped name tags. to this day i am still known as 'that girl that threw that giant awesome valentines party.' a few lucky people even got dates (not me; i was too busy playing hostess).

the year before last was the one year of my life i was in a relationship at valentines day. as i recall, i went over to the bf's house and we hung out. he made dinner, i think. i might have helped or something. he wasn't working at the time. it was a nice evening. i think things were still ok in our relationship at that point. the whole thing went downhill not long after that. i'm not bitter, i'm just telling it how it is.

three years ago, my first roommate and i threw a giant 'black hearts' valentines day party. like the singles party i threw last year, this one was huge. people my roommate and i didn't even know showed up. the next day at church, two ridiculously hot guys came up to us and said sc! lisa! that was an awesome party last night! great job! we looked at each other, and i know we were both thinking the same thing... yes! we are awesome.

this year, i really don't have any plans yet. bev and i have tossed around a few ideas, but nothing concrete yet. i have to say; i am totally cool with whatever happens or doesn't happen. it'd be nice if we had some fun young professionals thing to go to, or had planned a ladies' night in at someone's house. but we didn't. we may end up at some hip bar, drinking pink martinis or a nice cab sauv. who knows. whatev. i don't feel the need to rebelliously flaunt my single status in the face of 'singles awareness day,' as my friend dave likes to call it. i used to, but not anymore.

so, happy valentines day/singles awareness day. i hope your comfortable enough with who and where you are in life to enjoy the day or at least have some fun with it. do you have any cool plans? if so, share 'em below.....

no more bad boys (probably can't say the same for bad decisions)

we all know the stereotype of the bad boy. i admit, i've fallen for a few. i've never seriously dated one, but i've 'hung around' a few, and um, may have made a bad decision or two concerning a rally-attending socialist venezuelan and also an underachiever rich-kid with bad words tattooed on his knuckles.

i am definitely making better decisions now, though! heck, the last guy i made a bad decision with was a really good guy! baby steps, right? right.....

so i saw vball dude at a church function last night. he was in line next to me for communion. we chatted some, and that was that. i hung around afterward hoping to talk to him some more, as i actually had something to tell him, but he was deep in conversation with someone else. i emailed him today, and when he emailed me back he mentioned the humanitarian trip through our church thathe was helping to plan, and added that if i wanted to help out, to just let him know. and before i really knew what i was doing, i hit reply and said, yup, i'd love to help out.

and with the click of my mouse and the stroke of a few keys, i committed to a trip to new orleans in August to build houses.

now, in my defense, i was thinking about going on some kind of trip like that this year. a few years ago i went really far away (africa), and i'm not ready to shell out for that again right now. but new orleans is much more do-able. and i was thinking that with some of my experiences, i could help with leadership stuff if they need it. but before that email, i still wasn't sure if i was committing or not. but i think that now i am committed.

but, you know what? vball dude is a good guy. a really good guy. even though at this point i don't think he's being anything more than nice to me, i'm ok with me doing a few silly (but hopefully subtle) things to hang around him a little more. for the first time in a while. i've found a good, solid guy, and i'm intrigued. i'm intrigued by his goodness! that doesn't happen much. hopefully we'll become friends and i can see what he's really all about, and if he's as good as he seems.

meeting random guys

last week i went to a large wine-tasting event on thursday night and out to a bar for some karaoke on saturday night. at both places, there were available, good-looking guys. thursday night was kind of awkward. i don't know why. maybe because my focus was off. i was totally in scope mode. it took me until now to figure it out, but i think scope mode is the problem. saturday night when a tall hot guy walked into the bar, i immediately went into scope mode; trying to catch his eye, trying to make sure i was smiling if came by or looked over, trying to figure out how to position myself near him, etc. it was a lot of work and it stressed me out.

now, i'm not saying that there's anything wrong with a little bit of strategy. i think that meeting people is an art, and that practice makes perfect. but i think the problem comes when the focus changes from me being out with my friends and having fun and meeting people to me figuring out what i can do to meet someone who's caught my eye. when the latter happens, i need to just tell myself to relax.

i don't turn into some desperate wierdo or anything. it's more of an internal shift. it stresses me out. i stop having as much fun. the funny thing is, saturday night, once i turned my focus back to my friends and singing and having a good time, i ended up standing at the bar next to the hot guy, and i even had a conversation with him. i was relaxed and we had a nice chat. it felt really good. a nice reminder that yes, i can talk to pretty much anyone. even good-looking guys at bars. i might have chatted with him more, but i'd seen him outside smoking earlier, so that kind of killed some of my interest. that, and i was leaving.

i think i'm starting to get this whole thing. if i'm confident, i'm more attractive, and i feel better. and if i'm relaxed, it's easier to talk to guys and i don't appear desperate. on top of that, if i take a few risks by talking to some random guys, it gets easier! ha, who would've guessed.

life on pause?

atypical christian woman posted a great comment on my entry beginning to end the prolonged singleness blame game. in it she wondered if i had asked myself, What about being single is keeping me from living the life I want?

i've thought about that question before, and i've always been satisfied with my answer; being single isn't keeping me from anything i want except marriage. but for some reason i stopped and thought about the question, and my answer, a little more when i read atc's comment.

being single has always felt sort of transient to me. like things could change or shift at any moment. that's not my reality, it's more of a mindset. the truth is i've worked at the same place for four years and lived in my current apartment for three. it's been a pretty stable life. but still... i feel unanchored. maybe part of that's because i feel like i have to get new friends every so often?

the other part is definitely this thing in my head that says this is all just temporary; going out with random groups of friends, living in this apartment where i can only do so much (no painting, not too much stuff on the walls, etc)... like i shouldn't latch on too much because the people will change and this isn't what it's really all about, anyway. and heck, my last two roommates moved out to get married. i just assumed i'd be next, or soon, or not too far down the line. but i guess the truth is this is what it's about. this is my life. it hasn't changed and it probably won't unless i change it. if i want to feel more anchored and less transient, then i need to buy a house and pursue some of my married friends who've moved out to the suburbs and had kids. i need to go after some of the things i want, i guess.

i've subconsciously thought that soon enough marriage would come along and anchor me. i'd get a house and some nice furniture and i'd finally be allowed to do what i want to where i live. we'd have two incomes so we could travel or get grad degrees or put money into the house or whatever.

so now i have choices to make. what do i want to do? what would make me feel more anchored? or, i guess more importantly, what does god have for me? what risks can i start to take to be more in line with him and feel like i'm living and loving my life right now, not waiting for it get better?

i've started on this path recently with some little steps, and it's been good. but i admit, i'm kind of afraid to commit. like the house thing... if i buy a house, or the building down the street that i really like, then i'm committed. it's just me. sure my dad can help me out and i can have roommates, but it's in my name and it's my responsibility. i would go from the most expensive thing i own being my stereo to having to pay a mortgage and build into a house. woah. not that i can't do it, it's just that doing it by myself doesn't have the same appeal as doing it with a husband. of course, living in this apartment for the next 5 (or who knows how long) years isn't very appealing either. and sure, i know, i could buy a condo or something. but i think i'd rather have a house or an old building.

starting to think of others

thanks to everyone who commented on the last two posts... some great points and more importantly some great questions. there is so much future content in those comments, you don't even know what you've started.... :-)

i'm still trying to figure out the prayer group thing. i probably just need to step out and invite some people, but i'm unsure about a lot of things. who to invite and how often are the biggest things. and like novagirl, i'm still trying to figure out why some would be more open to this than others. and shooey, you are right... there are a million followers of a million different schools of thought. but i don't think this is about that. i really think that pursuing this would be a way of pursuing a healthy and holy arm of the christian community. it would be about meeting together to encourage each other and just talk to god. we'd lift each other and others up in prayer.

lately i have been trying to pray for others on my own more. my first instinct is always to journal about myself; what's happened to me and what i'm thinking and feeling. i've been trying to at least pray/write some about others' hopes and desires and situations. i think that's a good step.

beginning to end the prolonged singleness blame game?

novagirl commented on my last post that she, like me, is stumped when it comes to what to do to work out some of this prolonged singleness stuff: "But what I would like to see is more energy going into prayer and seeking God's guidance on what to do rather than attacking those we disagree with."

her sentiments echo some things that have been bouncing around in my head lately. one of those bouncy things in my head is corporate prayer. i admit, i suck at it. i mean, i can pray out loud, i can initiate praying out loud with my small group, or my family or anyone else. and a few times i've thought, hey i should call up some people or send out an email and get everyone together to pray for/about stuff. i just never actually do it. it's been on my mind more and more lately, especially after reading this post about women praying and this post about praying in general (and listening to the linked message) on carolyn mcculley's blog.

i'm pretty sure that prayer is always a good thing, and i'm even more sure that corporate prayer is music to god's ears. and i think that in this situation prayer would work wonders because it would take the focus off of me (or whoever was praying).

most of us singles are ready to admit we can be pretty selfish. but on top of that i think a lot of us carry around this weird self-focus. when it comes to dating and trying to move towards marriage, we crank up the self focus. i hear it in myself and from a lot of my friends. we ask ourselves what we're doing wrong. we read different dating books. we try different dating websites. we date for awhile, then stop then climb back up and date some more.

i have read almost every dating book i could get my hands on. i've been on match and eharmony a combined total of four or five times. i've gone to therapy, i've gone on several dates that i knew i didn't want to go on just because i felt like i should 'be open' and 'give it a chance' because, well, 'you never know!' now, after the reading and the internet dating and the real dating and the talking to random guys through myspace and facebook and the wondering what i've done wrong and how i can do it better, i'm just tired of thinking about and looking into myself. i'm not done growing and changing and learning, i'm just done fixing myself in regards to the dating realm.

the thought of praying for other single women, or praying for single men just sounds so appealing and helpful and just awesome. i don't know why, but it makes me feel good to think that i could really help other people this way! there is so much good that could come out of it! good for the men and women i (and others) would pray for, good for us as we prayed and shared together, good for us because prayer generally draws us closer to god, and other good that i'm sure i'm not going to think of.

and i don't think that we all have to sit around and pray for our future spouses. i admit, that weirds me out sometimes. i feel like just praying for single men and women in my church or who i hang out with, or praying that more single men would come back to church, that churches would become places they want to be, etc, etc. just lifting all of those desires we have up to Him....

what would happen if we all started doing that? if we could round up a few people? if this time, instead of just thinking (and now writing) about it, i actually step out and do it?

the prolonged singleness blame game

(warning: RANT! i've been reading several other blogs and sites lately, and there seems to be a common thread: blaming the church and/or the opposite sex for prolonged singleness amongst christians. it's pissing me off. all of this blame and name calling and whining isn't helping anyone. prayer, compassion, and action to change will help, not virtual whining.)

being single for an extended period of time can be really tough. it can cause you to question a lot of things (your sanity, your values, your spirituality, your past, your friends, your future, etc, etc...). plus it often feels like there's a lack of compassion for prolonged singleness in most christian circles. many married people just don't seem to understand how lonely and repetitive it can be. and most non-christians (and even some christians) don't get the whole 'waiting' (or attempting to wait) thing.

but does it really help to blame? does it really help to go on and on about how prolonged singleness is the church's fault because they only minister to women, or how all women only want over-effeminate submissive men, or how christian men only want petite submissive women, or how women will date loser-y non-christian men instead of solid christian guys, or how men should leave the church because it's ruining them?

what happened to love? what happened to giving people the benefit of the doubt? what happened to making a difference? what happened to listening to people's stories so you can understand their hurts and see why they sometimes make stupid decisions? should we not be praying for our single brothers and sisters? should we not be seeking out ways to minister to them so that they can grow stronger and become more christ-like, and some day be wonderful husbands and wives?

maybe i'm wrong. maybe i should leave my church in disgust. there aren't enough godly single men there, so obviously it's a terrible place with ungodly motives and selfish people. obviously they aren't trying to reach men, and they have their eyes closed to current state of christianity in our country.

i think we all get it. i think all of us single people who would dearly love to be married sometime soon agree that this world is fallen and messy and mistakes have been made, even by people with good intentions. can we stop whining and blaming and start praying and changing? yes, women are dumb sometimes! we often make bad decisions and date non-christian losers! it's true! we're weak in that area. our dumb decisions usually stem from hurts and wounds and insecurities. and yes, men aren't exactly running to church these days. but what can we DO about it? surely more than rant and rave and blame each other? more than walk away from church and dating altogether?

ok. end rant.

work or wait: living in the tension

remember my work or wait struggle? i still think about it. i'm pretty sure i'm in the right place by just chilling out and trying to continually do new things and meet new people. just because i'm not on 2 or 3 internet dating sites or going out with every possible guy i meet, doesn't mean i'll be single forever. and that doesn't mean i'm not listening to and being challenged by god and other people.

i think my struggle represents something that a lot of us deal with. recently i was talking to my single friend david about relationships. he's been in several, but none of them have worked out (ie lead to marriage) and he's frustrated. after listening to him for a while, i said i thought maybe he needed to turn the dating part of his life over to god. he said he thought he already had, and i sensed that the unspoken thought was 'i have, and he's not delivering!' he went on to say that he was confused about what he was supposed to do and what god was supposed to do. and yeah, i agree; that's often really hard to figure out.

it's also really hard, as rob bell said when i saw him speak, to 'live with the tension'. most of us want to know the answer. we want to know what to do, how to make things right. but it seems like with god (and people and relationships) the point is to live with the tension. for example; i have to figure out how to continually give god control of my dating life, yet be able to step up and do what needs to be done. i guess an example might be the hockey guy. i'm pretty sure a date with him would be a waste of time for both of us. if he called or texted me, it might be easier for me to just go out with him. but i'm pretty sure god's quietly asking me not to do that. so i listen to him and then i act. and i try to enjoy the tension that there are things i can't do on my own and things i have to do on my own, all while living under the direction of god.

i've been reading how people grow by drs henry cloud and john townsend. it's a fantastic book, and i recommend it to anyone interested in how the bible and personal growth (all forms of it) are connected. even if you're just interested how you can grow more or help others grow more, check it out. it can be a bit dry sometimes, but it's worth it.

this morning, i came across this passage which summed up the idea of loving (or at least living in) the tension. in the passage, dr. cloud talks about explaining to a guy in a training session the idea of giving control of things to god while still making choices and setting goals and working.

We cannot do the things we need to do on our own. We are unable to make choices on our own. We have to face our inability and depend on God. We have to depend on others. We have to reach out and be empowered. I emphasized we could not do it on our ow. There is no 'self-help.'

I thought we were on the same page, but then he showed me we were not by saying: "Oh, I see. We can't do it so we just depend on the Holy Spirit to do it. We give it all to him."

"No," I said. "We don't just give it all to him. We can't do it, and we don't just give it all to him. We must 'work out our salvation,' but we also have to be asking him to help us to do all of it. It is both not one or the other."

Humans tend to be unable to hold opposite ideas in dynamic tension. But this is a tension we will always need to hold: God has a part and we have a part. Beware of dichotomizing between your tasks and God's.

living in the tension. difficult, but i'm starting to think it's worth it. of course, it's also a lot easier if you know god's character and completely trust him, even when circumstances make you not want to trust him. but i think that's another topic for another post.

not dating just to date

i haven't texted hockey guy for several days now, and he hasn't texted me, either. so far so good. hopefully he gets the message.

i'm not saying it'd be totally awful to go out with him, but i think i'm just at the point where going out with a guy who doesn't exhibit love for christ is a waste of time for me and a waste of money (and time) for him. i mean, hockey dude seemed like a nice guy, but after talking to him for most of the game, and mentioning the church i go to regularly and the one i went to portland to check out, i could tell we weren't on the same page. i've done the missionary dating thing before; i'm not a fan, and i don't want to do it again.

i think i'm in a place where i don't need to date just to date anymore. i know myself really well. while i might not know exactly what i want, i trust that god knows what i need, and i definitely know what i don't want. my time of dating served me pretty well. at this point in my life i think i have better things to do with my time. if it's obvious after one interaction that a guy doesn't have a strong, growing relationship with christ then i don't need to go on a date with him. besides, generally once i know a guy doesn't have a solid faith, any attraction i have for him starts to fade.

misc stuff and about that date

this past weekend my friend bev and i took a trip to portland, oregon. we went because we're both big fans of don miller (author/speaker, known for blue like jazz and other books), rick mckinley, and the church rick started called imago dei. plus we both like wine a lot, and portland is not far from wine country.

we had a great time. i think we basically ate and drank as much of the city and the surrounding wine country as we could in three days. it was great. if you have the chance, get to portland. it's a cool town. and imago dei is a cool church.

the plane rides gave me a lot of time to think and journal and pray about a lot of things. i'm thinking some of those things will turn into posts here.

i got home around eleven last night, worked a half day today, then went to the grocery store. and i still haven't texted or called the guy from the hockey game. as an anonymous commenter noted on the previous post, the fact that he's 6'9" doesn't erase the fact that he gave me his number instead of asking me for mine. nor does it erase the fact that he asked me out via text message. i know i may sound harsh, but come on. he's a big boy, he can take a risk or two. add to that the fact that i'm about 95% sure he doesn't love jesus, and well, i'm not all that interested.

so i'm hoping he doesn't text me anymore, but i'm guessing i won't be that lucky. i'll keep you posted.

girls night, hockey, getting asked out...

these are a few of my favorite things...

last night i went to a hockey game with 6 of my girlfriends. i figured it would be a good time, but i had no idea it would be AWESOME. seriously. first of all, everyone was super excited to go, and that always makes me excited. second of all, i had 6 ticket vouchers (thanks k!) i got for christmas.

it just kept getting better; we sat 2 rows up from the ice; it was dollar beer night; there were these hilarious 19 year-olds sitting in front of us who banged on the glass and shouted at the players and referees all night. all of the on-ice entertainment between periods involved college-age guys chugging beers and trying to hit the empty cans into the nets. quality! plus, instead of kiss-cam, they had chug-cam. guess who got on chug cam!? yup, me and my 6 girlfriends. i can now say that i made it onto the big screen at an ECHL hockey game.

the game was really good. our team won, i got to see my favorite player almost score a goal (almost is good; he's a defensemen), and there was a fight.

and i saved the best for last. there was another group of guys sitting a row down and to the right. halfway through the game, one of them sits on the end closest to me, and says hi. i smiled back, and before long we were chatting. he seemed nice, and he was pretty cute. and then, he stood up.

this guy was six foot nine. i kid you not. i asked him. i was like, woah, dude, you are ridiculous tall. we talked some more, and at the end of the night, he asks for a hug and gives me his phone number. i was a little annoyed he didn't ask me for mine, and i was little weirded out by the hug, but hey.... hold on... i just got picked up at a hockey game by a cute guy who's 6'9"!!!

i texted him after we left, so he'd have my number and i could put the ball in his court for him to call me. he texted me back almost immediately, and a few texts later, i got 'so are you going to let me take you to dinner next week.' asked out via text message... definitely not my preference, but i texted back 'yup.'

so... i have a date next week. finally, the girl writing about relationships and singleness and dating has an actual date to write about. i'll keep you posted....

i'd rather get out and meet some new people

i've thought a lot about the whole 'work or wait' dilemma lately. i think i've found a solution that i really like. and it fits in with my theme for 2008: the year of quality.

as i've said before, i'm so not about changing my life drastically so i can meet guys. i'm also not about internet dating. i've tried it several times before, and i just don't like it. plus it just makes me feel like a judgmental jerk, and like i'm wasting my money. i'll sign up, and then a week later i realize i'm paying like thirty bucks a month to close out or ignore a bunch of guys i think are really skeezy. i know it really works for a lot of people; i just can't do it.

one thing i want to be about is trying new things. this past summer i started playing volleyball with friends on sunday nights, and that lead to me playing in a fall league where i met volleyball dude. sure, nothing happened with him, but he was an added bonus to the whole volleyball experience. i learned something new, overcame some insecurities i had, had a great time, and i met a tall, good-looking, quality guy.

i haven't thought of any specific things yet, but i'm keeping my eyes and ears open. i might give the volleyball league another shot; i had a lot of fun with it and it kept me in shape. but i want to try other things too. that whole 'well-rounded' thing really appeals to me. and sometimes i can get really sedentary and just kind of roll with whoever is around and whatever is happening. that's not a bad thing, but it's what i've been doing for several years now, so i know how it works out.

personal growth is always a good thing. and if god brings some great guy my way in the midst of it, i definitely won't complain.

don't ignore that funny feeling

it's funny how sometimes even though you know a situation you're in probably isn't good for you (or anyone else involved), you stay in it because it feels good and because there's no 'hard evidence' that it's really all that bad. you just have that feeling that something is kind of weird.

i had that 'this isn't quite right' feeling the last few times i hung out with seth. heck, i'd had it on and off the whole time we were friends. i think it got a little more intense at the end because we were talking more and hanging out more. it felt like we were too close. when we'd hang out with our group of friends, i had this weird feeling of being too attached to him. like he wasn't connecting to the others because he didn't need to—he had me. i felt drawn to him because i knew he wanted to be near me, but i also felt the unhealthiness of it. i just didn't do anything about it until it was too late.

and so this is just a reminder to listen to that little voice in your head or your heart. if you even feel a little bit of weirdness or unhealthiness, do something about it. talk to someone, change your behavior, something. just because you can't see the consequences, or you don't think there'll be any, doesn't mean they won't show up. walk the narrow path; it ends up being much much easier.

happy new year—again!

yup. you heard me right. my 2008 didn't quite get off to the start i wanted. after figuring some stuff out (the hard way) and making some decisions, i've decided i'm hitting the reset button again.

the reason i'm hitting the reset button is the same reason i haven't posted in a while. the week after new year's, i was thinking that my life had been relatively drama-free for while. there were breakups and craziness going on all around me, but i was doing really well. so well that i was starting to worry i wouldn't have anything to write about on here. (ha!)

then, it happened. my selfishness reared it's ugly head, drama followed. and guess who i hurt, again? yup. seth.

it takes two, i know. but i also know that i'm older, have more relational experience than him, and my heart wasn't involved the way his was. i should have been helping him guard his heart, but i wasn't.

seth became single again shortly before new year's (the girl he'd gone a few dates with said she wasn't feeling it, and he admitted he wasn't either). we fell back into our usual pattern of texting, talking on the phone and hanging out. one night we went out with a bunch of our friends, drank more than we should have (remember that bit about not conforming to the patterns of this world? yeah, this is why), and, well.... we ended up making out on my couch. and i ended up breaking his heart. again. we talked after it happened, and i thought we both understood that it was a mistake. but just like last time, i got a phone call a few days later... turns out we weren't on the same page.

apparently neither one of us learned our lessons the first time. as a friend of mine said, seth needed to learn to stop throwing himself in front of the bus. and i needed to learn to stop driving it by his house all the time.

now seth and i aren't talking. after the second 'breakup' we decided that this time it'd be best if we took a break. neither one of us had been doing a very good job of guarding his heart when we were together. i told him i didn't want to hear from him for at least a month or two. (last time he called me the next week, saying he was 'ok.')

the making out part was bad enough. i felt pretty guilty about that. but breaking my friend's heart again because i was selfish and careless? that hit me like a ton of bricks.

it's amazing what crap can happen when i choose things that are outside of god's plans. when i think i can do things my way, and it won't matter. i'm convinced now more than i ever was before that i really want to yield to god in this area of my life, 110%. i think i was yielding the relational area of my life to Him maybe 85%. the 15% i was hanging onto has really wrecked some things in my life (eg my friendship with seth). it turns out that yes, getting needs met in unhealthy ways really is pretty bad and there really are consequences.

so, happy new year, again. for real this time.

satisfactorily single on new year's eve

single venus and i were at the same new year's eve party. it makes me laugh that two people can be at the same party and have completely different experiences.

i've been struggling through some kind of sinus thing since sunday, so i've had this random annoying headache that comes and goes and seems to be indifferent to any of the medicine i've taken. the headache showed up monday afternoon, a few hours before the party. on top of that, i'm just kind of partied out. normally i'm party girl; i love a big gathering, fun music, etc. but i wasn't really in the mood for any of that monday night. since i was supplying both the party punch and the tunes, i packed up and headed out with my roommate and seth.

it really was a nice party. single venus noted that she "spent the whole night surrounded by beautiful people - laughing, flirting, eating, and taking wild pictures." i have to agree that a lot of our friends are pretty good looking. i guess i just forget that sometimes because i know all of them relatively well. and with the guys, i know them all well enough to know that i'm not interested.

i wasn't much in the mood for partying or making small talk with a zillion people. i chatted with people i hadn't seen in a while, made the rounds once or twice, then found a wall to hold up with the help of seth and my roommate, both of whom are introverts. it was nice to just chill with them.

and wouldn't you know it, i was in the right place at the right time to help someone who really needed some encouragement. if the headache and my lack of interest in the party were all just to put me where i needed to be to help a friend, they were worth it.

a girl at the party had come with her boyfriend; i know them both, though i know him better than her. rick and michelle have been on again/off again for a while now. but even when they're on, he doesn't treat her like a girlfriend. at some point during the party, she must have decided that she'd had enough of him (flirting with others, drinking, etc), because i saw her sitting out in the cold on the front porch waiting for a cab.

i didn't know what exactly had happened, but i knew enough to know that she probably felt really alone (the party was his friends, not hers) and really upset. so i went outside and sat down next to her. she kept telling me she was fine, and i kept saying, i know, but i'll just sit here with you for a while. and finally i just said look, i know it's none of my business, but, you are beautiful and smart and really fun and you deserve to be with someone who treats you well. rick's not a bad guy, but he doesn't treat you how you deserve to be treated. you could do better. you deserve better.

she just melted. she started to cry and told me about how he'd broken up with her 3 times but she kept taking him back because she was lonely. how she felt so dumb because she knew she didn't love him or even want to be with him, but it was just so hard. we sat outside for a while, just kind of holding each other (me comforting her and trying to keep us both warm). i told her she wasn't dumb, and that i had definitely been there before. we heard everyone count down inside, and toasted each other, kind of smiling at the random situation. eventually i convinced her to come back inside and hang out for a while until i could collect seth and my roommate, and then we'd leave and take her home.

it felt really good to spend new year's eve helping someone out instead of trying to kill time by drinking more punch and holding up walls and flirting with guys i already know i don't want to date.

it also felt really good to be single. single and drama free. i wasn't worried about who would (or wouldn't) be at the party, or who i might miss out on talking to if i sat outside to talk to michelle. i wasn't worried about leaving the party early. i was available and useful and that felt really good.

happy 2008

hooray! i love the beginning of a new year. why? it's like a giant reset button. even though nothing really dramatic has happened, i like the idea that i'm starting over. i have the whole year ahead of me, and i am refreshed and brand new. there are twelve moths of possibilities stretching ahead of me!

last year one of my new year's resolutions was 'date someone.' ha. i purposely left it kind of vague. the idea behind the resolution was to get out and meet someone worth spending more than one evening with. looking back now, it kind of happened. i spent time with a guy friend who wanted to 'get to know me better' back in the spring. i think i knew before it started that it wouldn't work out, but he was so completely different from people i'd dated in the past that i had to be sure there wasn't any chemistry. besides, whether or not we actually dated is still up for debate. he was kinda wishy-washy about it; we always went dutch or just 'hung out.' looking back i'm kinda surprised i put up with it, but like i said, he was really different, and actually really quality, so i guess it wasn't a big deal.

this year, i have no relationship-related resolutions (say that three times fast). i'm done with those. they just feel so fake. do i hope i date someone? yes, very much. but it's not in my hands. it's completely up to god. i don't mean that in a fatalistic way. i just mean that instead of focusing on what i can do to meet someone and move toward marriage, i'm focusing on god. he has the power, and i am tired of floundering around and freaking out. i guess you could say my goal for this year is to relax—to rest in him and trust that he's taking care of the situation.

even just writing that, i feel more free. free to try new things, or spend time with my married friends and my friends who have kids. free to hope and believe that he'll bring me the best, no matter where i am or how i feel.

do you have any relationship related goals or resolutions for 2008?